Food Jews Love To Eat: Ashkenazi Edition (Article)

Food Jews Love To Eat: Ashkenazi Edition: There is one thing that connects all Jews. Food.



The Way Ashkenazim Love Food (my article for the lovers of Jewish European cuisine- click link above)



Anything called pastrami, Schmaltz, brisket, anything from a deli, Shabbat food eaten all week. Potato in any form. Potato knish, potato perogies, potato kugel, mashed potatoes, French fries...We took potatoes and tried every form of cooking and baking with them, and it all worked. Only potatoes. That is the full menu of Jewish vegetarian cuisine. Anything with potatoes is Jewish vegetarian food. That is all the uniqueness we have to offer non-meat eaters; potato side dishes and matzah ball soup. Everything else is meat, lox or celery in effervescent form.

Rosh Hashanah Resolutions

Rosh Hashanah Resolutions: God, please help me to stop eating chocolate.



Shan Tova Lachem

You should all be blessed with a year of laughter...



To help along, as the machzor doesn't include this...here are ROSH HASHANA RESOLUTIONS YOU WILL MAKE IN SHUL:

I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long.

I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter.

I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays.

I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now.

If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.

I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one.

I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur.



New Year' means it's time for resolutions (not vows, as those aren't allowed)...Not eating chocolate is a necessary resolution all must make. What else can you resolute? My article attached is here to help you with more resolutions that you can make while sitting in shul (click the link above)



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Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah (my article)

Click Here for Link to article- Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Based on my extensive research attending Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, I bring you the essentials of what you have to do to run a successful Bar Mitzvah party. It is not a weekend. It is the Bar Mitzvah party month. So be prepared…

Regarding the speech – Mom get ready to write it.

Trip to Israel

Today, you must take the kid to Israel to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah. In addition to the party, this ensures that the parents must go broke. This is mandatory.

If you live in Israel, you have to take your boy to the Kotel, to pay for another breakfast for 80 people. This includes the random guy at the Kotel who you got in a fight with over who the Torah holding table belongs to.

Picture Montage

You obviously need a slideshow of your child but more importantly, to show everybody in your community all the vacations you went on, so that your friends understand why you can’t afford to pay full tuition for Jewish Day School.

The slideshow must include all pictures from the child’s life in no specific order. Let Windows do the organizational work. The montage must then be played to some kind of soft rock song from the 1980s. “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics must be in the mix. And then you are must play “Happy” to truly work the emotions of the people who are not watching and don’t care about that vacation with Bubbie.

After a half hour of family, throw in pictures of each of the 300 guests, including your child’s friends so that they can get excited for a minute. If you must, go into the shul archives for community pictures.

Friends Must Do a Presentation

It is important that these kids are extremely disorganized. That is an integral part of the presentation. Make sure that kids from their class sing a song that rhymes “cool” with “school.” Optimal lyrics are, “He is so cool, he does well in school.” This is a big crowd pleaser.

Bat Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it.

Bar Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it. The tradition is to allow the young man to work on it. You are supposed to remind him every day and he is supposed to say that he is working on it, while he is on the PlayStation. A week before the Bar Mitzvah, act surprised and get extremely angry and force him to write the speech that you end up writing.

Tell the Child to Read Louder

Do this in front of everybody. Do not work on this at home. Wait till he is at the party and standing in front of 300 people, including every teacher he has ever had. This way he can also feel like he is being judged for his reading skills.

Speeches

Not everyone is sleeping yet so at this point, speeches must be given by everybody. The parents, grandparents, cousins, and anybody else who is not entertaining.

Topic of the speech that you give as the parent should have something to do with child growing up, who they are named after and how hard the birth was.

Invite your friends

The Bar Mitzvah is really for the parents. A successful Bar Mitzvah is when the boy asks why he is there and why there are only four of his friends present. The questions from the Bar Mitzvah boy should be: “Why am I wearing a suit if this is a party for me?” “Who is this guy? My friends are not balding.”

Give Everybody an Honor

Nobody should feel left out. Each of the 300 guests is important. If that takes calling an extra 40 people to the Torah over Shabbat, then so be it. And each guest called to the Torah reserves the right to say an extra private blessing in front of the whole congregation, mentioning each member of his family for five minutes. If they forget a family member’s name, give them another minute.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

Some people do not deserve to get called to the Torah. Have a candle lighting ceremony so that people you do not believe are important also have a chance to have an honor of lighting a candle.

Be creative and dedicate the candles with meaningful words like, “This candle. The candle of summer is going to be lit by...” That will be meaningful to Cousin Jeremy. The more vague the candle, the more poetic the ceremony.

DJ

Need a DJ. No bands. Kids don’t want bands nowadays. Just a guy with a computer. No records. No instruments. A guy who brought a playlist that he found on YouTube. That is the talent. Be ready to spend $2,000 on this guy’s ability to download.

Jewish Dancing Time

Must be done in a circle. A requisite fifteen minutes of Jewish dancing, with at least one hora. This is done before the DJ presses the hip hop button on his computer and all the kids start making everybody uncomfortable with their new dances.

Make a Party Bag

The hundred and twenty dollars you are putting down on the meal for each person is not enough. The kids need the bags. In the bag should be a piece of chocolate and jellybeans, just in case the eight-thousand-dollar dessert table does not satisfy the needs of the young ones.

Have A Camera Man

This way people will smile for a minute. Without the camera man, nobody will be smiling. Remember, you sat them at the table with the people they don’t like.

People at the party should not want to be there. This is why you have the speeches and the slideshow. To make it less enjoyable, you can also turn off the air-conditioning.

Huge Party

Party must be expensive and huge. Those are the only true rules.

Pick a Theme

You have a choice to run the same party that everybody else in his class ran, with the kippahs, DJ, speeches, slideshow, candle lighting ceremony, or you can be unique and have a basketball theme. Remember nothing says welcome to the observance of mitzvot like a cardboard cutout of Lebron James.

Mazal tov!

Passover Food You Need to Buy (as seen in Jewlarious)

Passover Food You Need to Buy (click for link): Buy lots of eggs. Because other than brisket, everything should taste like scrambled eggs.

Passover Food You Need to Buy

by David Kilimnick

Making Pesach, like everything Jewish, is about the food. You will have to get new dishes, pots and don’t forget – bedding - for the people who are coming to stay with you for Pesach because they love you and don’t want to make Pesach for you in their home. Don’t let them down. Break out the Pesach delicacies the traditional way, with good food. Here’s what you will need for your Pesach kitchen:

Raw Ingredients

Anything you have in your cabinet. Buy it again. It is Passover.

Different Kosher for Pesach Mixes

You need matzah balls and other items that are not matzah, such as cake. Your goal is to try to make everything that you make during the year, without the necessary ingredients. That is where Manischewitz and Rokeach come in.

There is nothing like a cake without flour. Literally, nothing like a cake without flour. There is also nothing like pizza without dough. That is what makes Pesach so special. You get to enjoy the awesome food that nobody would ever make during the rest of the year.

Pesach Noodles

Make Pesach feel like any other day during the year, yet special. Cook up the non-Chametz noodles and you’ll have a great dish of noodles that join together into one. It will taste just like farina.

Eggs

Everything on Pesach, other than brisket, should taste like scrambled eggs. Throw in enough eggs and you will love it. Matzah Brei with enough eggs doesn’t even taste like matzah. And yet, it is Pesach in your mouth.

30 Boxes of Matzah

You always want to make sure that you have a good ten to twenty boxes left over, after Pesach.

Pesach is the perfect chance for the Matzah Cleanse Diet, where you put on twelve pounds. Thank you, matzah.

Brisket

It’s a Jewish holiday.

Try Going Gluten Free

This is your chance, and nobody will hate you for it. Please be advised: you will lose no weight (see: Matzah Cleanse Diet above).

Butter & Salt

You need salt on the butter for the matzah to taste decent. That is the recipe.

Temp Tee Cream Cheese

That is tradition right here. It still amazes me that we don’t use this during the year. It took Philadelphia years to figure out that in order to spread cream cheese it is necessary to whip it. Even if it were kosher for Passover I would advise you not to buy the old-style Philadelphia block. You would be left with matzah crumbs. And a gerbil looking thing of matzah on the knife, with the cream cheese you can’t get off. That old-style Philadelphia stuff even rips bread. I am still trying to figure out what it can be used for, other than breaking plastic knives.

Grape Juice

There is only so much sugary wine one person can handle, am I right? One cup, maybe two cups, you can be strong. But by the fourth cup – let’s just say you better have some grape juice on standby.

Coke

Now is the time to get it. Non-Jewish people also like coke with sugar.

Jello, Coffee Cake…

Check what they are eating in the senior citizens home. That is what you get on Passover. Borscht, schav and herring all work. When it comes to Pesach, they knew what they were doing in Eastern Europe.

Older people are always ready for Pesach. They are devout. That is why gefilte fish becomes a staple when you age. It is kosher for Pesach.

The older you get, the more you try to avoid hard stuff. Cleaning for Pesach can be a very tedious task. Therefore, they make sure that their cuisine is always kosher for Pesach.

Dr. Brown’s

This is the drink company you must buy from.

Do not purchase regular drinks. Make sure your Pesach drink is something that no child has heard of, or is willing to taste. Cel-Ray is perfect. If it sounds like a vegetable, the kids will stay away from it, along with the matzah and all the other Pesach food.

Kosher Symbol for Passover

Buy it. If you are living outside of Israel and New York City, buy anything with a kosher for Passover symbol as soon as you can because it will be gone. Three months in advance, that is the time to pick it up. The Jews get to that stuff real quick. Especially because all Pesach food has a fifteen-year expiration on it. Right now might be too late for this year, but you can definitely find stuff for Pesach 2020.

Anything with a Kosher symbol for Pesach is what you buy. It makes no difference. Don’t take chances. When you are starving and can’t find a kosher for Pesach bag of chips, at least you have the sardines.

Happy Kosher for Passover to all of you – especially the ones who have family coming who aren’t chipping in for the food!

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand- My Message to Rabbis to use easier English or Hebrew (as seen on Aish's Jewlarious)

click here for Jewlarious link- Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

by David Kilimnick

Another Sermon I did Not Understand: The conspiracy of words used by Rabbis

I’ve always had trouble understanding the Rabbi’s sermon in shul. Not because of the Hebrew. Because of the English words translated from Hebrew. My whole life, I learned about Noah and the flood – a “mabool” in Hebrew. But recently I heard a Rabbi talking about a “deluge.” What is that? My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language but I was stuck.

‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

Why do Rabbis translate Hebrew words into English that are harder to understand than the Hebrew itself? This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton…

Here are some of my memoires of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis.

A Childhood of Confusion

It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve being sent to the quorum? I wasn’t sure what it was, but I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then the Rabbi threatened to pull out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ The class was shocked by my protest, wondering why a student who loved his Jewishness didn’t want to join in the prayers.

Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I knew what Tefillin were. They are the straps and box that go on the arm and above the forehead. In front of the whole class, the rabbi started going off on a rant about wrapping expensive boxes called ‘phylacteries.’ I had to ask why anybody would spend over $500 on a Bar Mitzvah gift that was so small. Finally one of the brighter kids in the class figured out the Rabbi was talking about Tefillin. It was at that point that I requested from my Rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good.

Sermons I Didn’t Understand

The title of the Rabbi’s sermon was, ‘Exegesis from the book of Leviticus in the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I fell asleep right away. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying.

It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to God, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. Why couldn’t he focus on the topic at hand? Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have mentioned Ecclesiastes. So off topic.

I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English.

I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that the only way that I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes was if I was a botanist.

Lost in the Service

Until the Musaf service on Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when the rabbi started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into a silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players.

Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. I had no idea why a random guy was coming over to me, so somebody explained to me that he is the sexton. I was bewildered. The congregation began to get frustrated, as they were all waiting to return the Torah the ark. I wasn’t about to pull open the curtain, just because a random guy told me to do something. What kind of a congregation has random people making decisions for them?! If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark!

The rabbi then went on with his imprecations, which he called his exegesis. This lead to added confusion for me, as he hurled out more English about the countenance and the firmament.

All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. Even though I was confused the whole time.

My Message to American Rabbis

If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use modern English words. Let’s move away from the Shakespearian English. English the congregants can identify. Not Macbeth English that only my English Lit professor can’t recognize.

Rabbis, you have rabbinical conventions. Address the issues of our people. Don’t sit around creating words and then calling them English. And you’ve created some interesting words: quorum, ecclesiastics, sexton, beadle, legumes, firmament. I understand it is fun for you to create a language, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew.

I am sorry. Maybe If I had read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I was born in Britain, or maybe if I grew up in the 1500s.

I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been an inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge.

Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton.

'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live ('The Honest Rabbi' Ep1)

Click here for Link to 'Candies are Jewish Education' Radio Show

'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live
'The Honest Rabbi' Ep1
Radio show discussing Jewish traditions and issues in the greater world
Today's episode we deal with the importance of candy in Jewish tradition and the raising of decent out of shape good Jewish souls, and Paskesz...Parents are killing Chinuch (Jewish Education), not letting their children eat candy, even when these millenials allow their children to make their own decisions about everything else.

***To share more laughter and perspective from Jerusalem, like my page David Kilimnick comedian דוד קילימניק הסטנדאפיסט
David would love to share more laughs with you at Jerusalem's Off The Wall Comedy Basement - מרתף הצחוק every Thursday in English, and Wednesday in Hebrew. David may also be hired for private events, tour groups, simchas and poetry readings.
www.davidkilimnick.com

#lovejewish #jewishtradition #jewishhumor

Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night (as seen on Jewlarious)

Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night: Eating cheese blintzes, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

by David Kilimnick

by David Kilimnick

The two main traditions of the holiday of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Leil Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.

The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

It’s no easy feat so allow me share some of the methods that I have used over the years to stay awake on Shavuot:

-EAT A LONG MEAL

Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours before morning services. You could spend all of that time learning Torah, but I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class.

Eating and enjoyment on the holiday is also a Mitzvah so I suggest a marathon meal that continues until as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For leftover food that may be a bit stale, I was chewing up to 80 times.

-STUFF BLINTZES

Don’t just eat. Eat food that is stuffed into other food, otherwise known as blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken and brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus.

-SHOW UP 20 MINUTES LATE TO CLASS

A Torah class is going to happen with or without you. So do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late.

If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes.

That trick got me fired. So do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 GPA my sophomore year in college.

-WALK

Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that will ensure you will not sweat. Therefore, it is not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday.

-DRINK COFFEE

I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It is more fun.

Ritalin seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that some local children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community.

Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form.

-BRING YOUR CHILDREN

They keep you up when you are trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon…If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you are about to fall asleep, they will make sure you don’t. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.

Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.

-BOARD GAMES

Play Jewish oriented games and it is like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: ‘Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer?’ ‘Run for Shabbos.’ ‘Settlers of Judea & Samaria.’

-HAVE A FRIEND SMACK YOU

If you go to the Torah class, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. It’s just the truth. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit him back but he’s actually doing you a huge favor because he is saving you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.

-TALK TO PEOPLE

Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring, I would have fallen asleep.

We have to receive the Torah together. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the class, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday.

-MEET A POTENTIAL SPOUSE

If you are single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to go to Shul and not learn.

If you see the women going to a class, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Do not ask any questions. Even sleep deprived people realize levels of dumb.


-DO NOT LEARN TORAH

If you learn, you will definitely fall asleep.

Purim Carnival Booth Ideas- Memories as seen on Jewlarious

Purim Carnival Booth Ideas: Here are the best Purim carnival booth ideas I remember from my childhood.

by David Kilimnick

The Purim carnival, mastered by JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is central to a family’s Purim celebration. My fondest memories of Purim as a child are from these carnivals – those magical places that were like amusement parks except with no electricity and staffed by members of my shul.

If you want to run a Purim carnival this year, you will need booths. Here are some of the best booth ideas that I remember from my childhood:

THROWING STUFF BOOTHS

-The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth

This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8^th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Make Haman’s Face Wet Booth.’ Nobody wants a wet face. That, along with the grogger, shows anger at Haman.

I am happy that they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. Some of the tiny children even brought chairs, so they could reach the bullseye with their hands.

-Sock Throw

Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child.

This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water. Not very creative, but kids do like seeing others get hurt. People can get carried away with the idea of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks or canes near your Haman. My JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a man took his cane and started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week.

-Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe

Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is a great way to make Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle.

HEAD SPORTS

Anything where the hands are not used is fun and challenging, except for soccer.

-The Apple Bob Booth

You take a huge big bucket of water and place apples in it. This ancient tradition, also known as the first ever recreational activity, keeps children occupied for days. Nobody has ever been able to bite into an apple placed in water, without something pushing on the other side. Adults can maneuver the apple against the side of the bucket while standing. The only way for a kid to get the apple in the mouth is to fall in. The cold water is shocking to the nervous system, and thus fun for parents to watch.

Being that Purim is for the kids, if you want to make it easier for them, you can make a Plum Bob Booth. Do not use dried plums; as much as you are looking to get rid of your Tu BShvat leftovers. Instead, you should place the plums in the Mishloach Manot (the gifts we give to each other on Purim), along with all of the other stuff you don’t like; such as poppy seed Hamentash that you bought by accident.

-The Egg on a Spoon Race

This is not about speed. This is about balancing an egg on a spoon, in your mouth, and that takes skill. The sack race is also much fun and almost impossible, but you can use your hands and there is no throwing, and it is thus not a carnival game.

For more challenging no hand events, you can have an egg on a spoon long jump. You can also try the egg on the spoon dive. Even though hands are involved, the egg on a spoon poll vault is a crowd-pleaser. The egg on a spoon sack race is a great way to make it impossible for anybody to finish.

-Find the Beans

The idea of this booth is to find jelly beans that are mixed in with flour. You can call this the ‘Cleaning for Pesach’ game, as this is the closest your children will come to helping you clean anything that might become leaven.

Like in the Apple Bob, there is no using of the hands. The key to all of these games is to build the child’s immune system. By running his face in flour, and picking out jelly beans that have been licked by the previous children, your kid will be ready to go back to the Apple Bob and overcome the lice from the other child’s hair, who fell into the bucket.

RANDOM OTHER BOOTH IDEAS

There are many more ideas you can use to bring home the fun, before the children enter the prize booth.

-Miniature Golf with a Cup

One of the biggest challenges with miniature golf for Purim carnivals are the obstacles. So get rid of the windmills, get rid of the angled corners, get rid of the holes, and you have a fun game.

-Haunted House

Take a regular home and add people yelling at the participants. My cousin’s house works for this. Everybody gets kind of frightened when they shout at their kids. You can call this ‘Haman’s House.’ Haman is what my cousin’s kids call their dad.

-Face Painting with Face Paint

Make sure to purchase the paint that says ‘face paint.’ At the local carnival, they used oil paint. That was not good. Oil paint does no come off in the Apple Bob bucket.

-Haman Sock Puppet Booth

Growing up we had a Haman’s Sock Puppet booth. The director of the JCC pulled out a bag of his old socks. He said the holes were Haman’s mouth. Haman did not smell good, nor did he use fabric softener.

These are just a few of the amazing booths we had, growing up. Be creative. Happy Purim!

Shul Culture for Beginners (my article as seen on Jewlarious)

Click here to see my article on Jewlarious Shul Culture for Beginners: Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur. Here are my tips on the other stuff.

Shul Culture for Beginners

Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur. Here are my tips on the other stuff.

by David Kilimnick

Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur (prayer book). Like the Kiddush for example! What’s a newcomer to this strange social gathering to do? Last time, I gave you my tips on how to fit in during services, but this time we’ll focus on the other stuff like what to wear and how to get good positioning at the Kiddush.

-Leave a Nice Pair of Shoes in Shul

How do women walk to shul in high-heels? I used to wonder that. Until I found out that they don’t. They leave them in shul or carry the high-heels with them in a bag. High-heels are much more comfortable when you carry them. If you leave them at shul, do not worry about somebody stealing your high-heels. They will not be able to run away in them.

-Have a Pair of Walking Shoes HandyThis is what the rest of the world knows as sneakers. Religious people call them walking shoes. They could be running shoes, hi tops, cleats or sneakers. We know them as walking shoes.

-Wear a Coat that is UniqueThe coatroom is packed. Everybody wears a coat to shul when it is cold outside. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked home in a coat similar to mine which is not mine. People become coat stupid when they enter the shul coatroom and their brain tells them, ‘That coat has lapels. My coat had lapels. That coat is mine…no idea how it turned from khaki to green during the prayer services.’ I am left walking home with a khaki jacket and no lapels.
I suggest the “Members Only” jackets. People stopped wearing those in the 1980s. Even though they had lapels, people that wore them will not admit it.

-Make Sure You Bring Tissues for YourselfThis will help when the guy next to you sneezes on you.

-Take a Strong Stance and Do not move from your Spot at the Post Service Snacks, known as KiddushDo not worry about other people getting food. God takes care of those who take care of themselves. God provides for all, but there is only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way. They will not be scooping any cholent for you. I repeat, do not be afraid to hurt them. As it can get physical, you might want to put on your walking shoes for Kiddush.

-Bring Wicker Basket CoversThey are not just good for keeping bread clean, they also cover a woman’s head during services. Seeing the breadbasket covers makes everybody hungry for Kiddush.

-Bring Your Own Kippah & TalisYou do not want to find yourself pulling out a head covering from the Yarmulke bucket. That is an immediate giveaway that you are the non-religious relative of the Bar Mitzvah boy who parked a block away. You also don’t want to wrap yourself in a public Talis. The public Talises only come in scarf form. If you are French and you wrap your scarf for style, then I understand.
The Yarmulke bucket is a lost-n-found of Kippas that were found 45 years ago. Based on my studies of Yarmulke buckets and some of the psychedelic looking Kippas, it is apparent that people used their Yarmulkes as safety reflectors when walking home at night. There were less street lights back in the 70s. I am not sure if they were Conversos, hiding their religious artifacts, but they used all of their Judaica for multiple purposes. They also used their Talises when it was cold, in the winter.

-When the Rabbi is Talking, Go to SleepThis is a very important Jewish tradition practiced by all members of the shul board. This is why it is customary for many congregants to wear suit jackets. They double as a blanket while the rabbi is speaking. It is also more comfortable to wear your walking shoes during this part of the service. A Talis bag, if thick enough, can also be used as a pillow.
If you can’t fall asleep, reading while the rabbi is talking is another acceptable way to show the rabbi that you do not respect him.

-Say You Will Give MoneyIf they offer you an envelope with the shul’s address on it, take it. They are useful. If you cross off the shul’s address, you can use the envelope to send a letter to somebody you care about.
I cannot tell you how many people in my father’s synagogue still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. I can’t figure out why they are flipping the numbers with the donation dollar signs on the appeal cards during Yom Kippur. It is as if they are saying, ‘If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would give.’

-Do Not Be Taken Aback by the Thermometer on the Outside of the ShulThe synagogue is not sick. The community is trying to raise money.

-Do Not Feel Bad About What the Rabbi SaysIf you are awake for the sermon, the rabbi is going to try to make you feel guilty about something. Forget about it and do not help out with the weekday services. If the rabbi tells you that it is forbidden to speak gossip, keep on telling everybody about your annoying friend. This way, you will have something to say at Kiddush. Do not let the rabbi intrude on your quality of living. The guy sleeping in shul has been showing up for a good 40 years, and he hasn’t allowed for the rabbi to get to him either. He is relaxed, sitting in shul in his walking shoes. He also hasn’t paid his dues.

Shul Etiquette for Beginners (by Me, as seen on Jewlarious)

CLICK ON THIS LINK for Article on Jewlarious: Shul Etiquette for Beginners: My tips on how to fit in in shul.

Many people are scared to go to shul (synagogue). They say they feel out of place. But I say there’s no reason for that. All you need is a few tips to understand the services, look like you know what is going on, and most importantly, look penitent.

Take these to heart and soon you too will look like a regular congregant.

Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul seems to care.. All you need to do is harmonize and you’ll look like a pro.

-Sing Whatever You Know

U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. If you can’t harmonize, don’t worry – no one else can either.

-Close Your Eyes

There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at. And that is spiritual.

-Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody

“Yasher koyach” literally means you should be “strong and straight” and when you say it, it sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ But we do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.

In Sefardic Jewish tradition they say ‘Chazak uBaruch.’ Better yet, instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.

-Take Three Steps Back & Three Steps Forward when Starting and Ending the Silent Prayer

Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited and begin to dance. Do not put your right-hand in.

-Get Loud Every Once in A While

The volume of your prayer should have times when it gets higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important.

Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and you have penitence.

Please note: do not do this for the silent prayer. It is silent. Again, follow the other people; if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your summer holiday plans.

-Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat, ‘That is My Seat’

By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddush (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Tell them about your children.

-If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared

The gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, but mainly, due to fear.

-Bow as Much as You Can- There Is Never a Wrong Moment To Bow

Aside from closing your eyes, bowing is the most penitent you can get.

Bowing also helps with checking other people's prayer books. If you don't know the spot, you can get much closer to their books. They usually hold them at waste level, so get a decent bow going. Stretch beforehand. Work your bend in different directions as well. This is where the tradition of swaying while praying comes from. People started to hunch over, while moving from side to side, to try to find the correct page from their neighbor.

Note: Do not bow when greeting somebody with ‘Shabbat Shalom.’ They only do that at shuls in Japan.

-Watch Out for the Tallis

The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first.

When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. They are trying to hit you. This is why everybody bows during Aleinu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it wildly, already knowing that they hit you earlier, when putting it on.

-Be Ready to Open the Ark With the Torah

This is the easiest of the honors they give out at the congregation and the one you will probably get if you are a beginner. You don't have to prepare anything and you get just as much credit as the guy reading the Torah. Everybody will wish you a 'Yasher Koach.' Again, shake hands.

As there is always room for improvement, practice by opening and closing curtains in your home. You will want to get it down to one fluid motion.

-Kiss the Torah

As they are carrying the Torah around, kiss it. I suggest with the siddur or a tallis. You can go straight with the mouth, but this simultaneously increases your perceived religious commitment while decreasing your hygienic commitment.

-When somebody Messes up the Torah Reading, Get Extremely Angry at Them

Some people correct the Torah reader if he makes a mistake while reading. The really devout yell the correct word at the reader. I suggest you get up and start booing the reader. Throwing stuff at the reader will also teach him a lesson.

This is also a tradition you will see used at Bar Mitzvahs, to make the 13-year-olds feel extremely bad about not preparing enough, as they are thrown in front of 500 people for the first time. First we scream at the child for not being loud enough, then correct him, and then we hurl candies at him. And as that child never reads from the Torah again in public, after his Bar Mitzvah, you know he learned his lesson.

-Bring a List of Names with You to the Torah

Known as a Mish’beyrach, if you get called to the Torah, this is an opportunity to bring up names of everybody you want to be blessed. A list is great to have, as it saves the hassle of having to remember the people you care about.

The longer the list, the more important you must be. Why would anybody make a whole congregation wait 15 minutes for them to get through all of their friends, instead of just saying 'All of my friends'?

It is theoretically possible that you could end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate that kind of (very unique) service.

Next time, we shall deal with Kiddush, proper dress code and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.

Jews Always Start Diets ('How to Start a Diet' as seen on Jewlarious)

How to Start a Diet: “The diet starts now.” This is belted out by my uncle after wolfing down a half a brisket, quiche, pie, strawberry shortcake and stuffing.

Walking the streets of Jerusalem, all I ever hear people talk about is food. For example, during Chanukah every single person on the bus here in Israel said, ‘These sufganiot (donuts) are making me fat.’ This is all anybody talks about on Chanukah. The miracle of the Jews beating the Greeks or the oil lasting eight days, I heard nothing. All I heard was people saying how fat you can get from eating pastries. It is the same conversation I hear every holiday and even every Shabbat.
This phenomenon dates back to my childhood. I started to realize that I have never heard a Jewish person eat without qualifying it. I never went through a Pesach without hearing people say, ‘The matzah is killing me.’
I have never heard a Jewish person eat without qualifying it.
These statements of intended diets used to bother me. Why is it that every Jewish person I know has to start a diet on the holiday? Why not start it after the holiday? Why not diet the rest of the year, when people aren’t bringing out amazing food? Why not enjoy Shabbat? I have learned over the years that if you make simple statements over the course of eating, it looks as though you have self-control. These traditional Jewish statements I have come to understand help make you look good, while guiltlessly enjoying your food.

“The diet starts now”
This is said at the end of a meal. My uncle usually belts this out at the time the dishes are being cleared; after wolfing down a half a brisket, quiche, pie, strawberry shortcake (as his fruit), and stuffing.
I have never seen somebody make this strong of a declaration of conviction, yet forget it by the next meal.

“These sufganiot are killing me”
My friend who made this statement eats doughnuts every morning with his cup of coffee. But he had to blame Chanukah for his weight issues, as he was kvetching this to me over Bavarian cream. That use of the word ‘kvetch’ just made me feel more Jewish.
Say whatever you want and conclude it with ‘Killing me,’ and it is not you, but the object that is causing you to eat more. It reads, ‘…is killing me.’ You can use this throughout the course of the year. At an ice cream shop ‘The cookies & cream are killing me.’ Then you can keep on eating, and smoking.

“I sit at the table too Long”
I heard this statement from my brother-in-law at last year’s Super Bowl party, when he was dunking his chips in the guacamole, sitting on the recliner.
If you ask me, the Super Bowl is a Jewish holiday.

“I have a wedding coming up, I have to drop a few sizes”
Everybody I know has to drop a few sizes for a wedding. Why? Because they are always buying evening gowns that don’t fit. Here’s an idea: if you had clothes that fit, you wouldn’t have to lose weight. You would be able to enjoy your holidays.
There is always a wedding coming up. I have heard this one from people who go to a good three weddings a week. Don’t eat at the wedding. They should be making this statement at the weddings as well. ‘The smorgasbords are killing you.’
Next time, use the holidays to your advantage and after you enjoy them, go shopping for a new wardrobe.

“Can somebody pass the potato kugel? Now!”
This statement was made by a friend who thought that latkes were personalized potato kugels.
He was hungry and wanted to eat.

“This food is excellent”
This is generally said when somebody is enjoying the food. This qualifies for a statement of self-control because it places some of the blame on the chef. ‘If your food wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t be eating so much of it.’

“There are too many meals”
This is a legitimate point. We are supposed to eat a lot. Putting on weight is part of being a good Jew. That is how I judge devout people. Call me prejudiced, I eat a lot.

“I need to look good for the pictures”
My aunt usually makes this statement when the plate is full, with chicken in hand. No fork.
She must not remember that the pictures are taken at the end of the Bar Mitzvah weekend, after a full weekend of binge eating; negating the point of the diet she started three months ago, on the holiday.

“Take the pudding away from me…it is killing me”
This is said when the bowl of pudding has been finished. By making that statement, you are blaming the other person for your eating. If they wouldn’t have placed your bowl of pudding in front of you, you wouldn’t have eaten it.
Do you see how ‘It is killing me’ was tactfully placed? It strengthens the statement and adds believability.

“Are you going to eat that?”
A conversational statement proceeded by a long stare and followed with a, ‘Just wondering.’
The best way to use this announcement is with an accusative tone of, ‘You are eating too much.’ This is used by many to give the allusion that they are eating less. By focusing on the other person’s food, other people ask themselves why somebody who is eating so much would make such a statement. Caught up in the disbelief, they assume you are eating less.

“You are eating too much”
Just make the statement. It shows that you care about the other person enough to draw everybody’s attention to their eating habits. This also removes the focus from you, allowing you to take down more sufganiot, hamantashen and kugel.

"These Holidays are Killing Me"
You can make this statement anytime during the winter. Until just now, I have been complaining about my extra 5lbs, I put on last Sukkot.

The following statements and more will one day be found in my book, ‘David on Healthy Ways of Eating Foods Cooked in Chicken Fat’

High Holiday Seat Tips (as seen on Jewlarious)

High Holiday Seat Tips: Get the best bang for your buck out of your High Holiday seats in shul this year.

Contrary to popular belief, Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are not only about a New Year or atonement. The High Holidays are also about your seat. That’s right, where you are located in the shul.

It’s too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably.

Please do not complain about having to pay for seats. You are part of a community. That means you have to contribute. And that means you have to pull out some cash. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good value, right? So here are some of my tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holiday seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible

Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious.

You do not want to be the outcast, sitting in the free 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast. For comfortable seating at a much lower price point, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, some Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance.

Tiny Seats in Shul

The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you are a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.

As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space.

The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for the Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, most shuls have tried to recreate the feeling of transatlantic trip on a low cost air carrier.

The bad news is, that it is too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.

Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat

Yes, there are people who try to buy the cheap seats, up in the bleachers. But they are always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Perhaps they do not realize that you purchased the seat so you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement!

First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.

This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders

Shtenders - prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor.

These days, they started making the shtender just small enough, so the guy’s machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking my head throughout the service.

Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy behind me. I then took the guy'smachzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. Thanks to this experience I now feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.

He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred. I felt extremely penitent.

Share the Armrest

They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. He is leaning across the entire thing.

Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’

Know Your Hebrew Name

You do not want your chair saying Max the son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat.

Bring a Lawn Chair

This is a decent way to save money. The isles are never taken. If you are already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people already know to expect very little from you.

Plastic Chair Section

If you are sitting here, you probably also didn’t pay their dues. That is fine. There are advantages. If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. Let’s say you want to take a break, you are sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair, looking classy while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than 12 hours, take your seat back to your home and relax.

The guy in front of me last year set up the plastic section for his own needs. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he could. He had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. And he did not pay any dues. Talk about getting value! This guy has clearly started the New Year off right!