Festive Must Stop Being a Jewish Word

People love using the word ‘Festive.’ These people in Jerusalem and all over the Jewish map have started using it to describe everything religious. You might as well tell them that this Pesach is going to be Easter. And you will be hiding eggs. Maybe making it more Jewish with chocolate covered eggs. The non-frum Jews are adding ‘festive’ to everything, and it has to stop. ‘It is going to be a festive feast.’ Confetti is now shooting out of my brisket on Friday nights. They festivate to lure the easily lured people who are willing to put on a yarmulke for a free dinner. A ‘Festive Prayer Service.’ I don’t even know if a Christian is that unJewish to put those three words together. You might as well put in the word ‘Lord.’ We do not do ‘Festive Prayer Services to the Lord.’ We daven to H’ (pray to Gd you heretic who needs me to translate into Hebrew). We don’t join in festivities, even if it is a festival. You don’t festivate. We enjoy. We do enjoyful prayer. We do not do a 2 hour service with a speech in the middle. We do not sing. We only sing when there is a rebbe sitting at a table, in front of us, eating. That is known as a Tish, and I have never seen somebody handed a piece of potato kugel out of rebbe’s hand call that ‘festive.’

Fast Day Education & the 10th of Tevet

Fast Day Advice from Rabbi David 

Connecting to Fast Days & The 10^th Of Tevet

The 10^th Of Tevet?

The 10^th of Tevet is upon us, and I for one had no idea what it was about till somebody told me it was a good idea to know about my tradition, and the reasons why I afflict myself. I educated my friend, and told him that suffering itself is religious.

It is important to connect with the sad days, as Jews. Too much happiness leads to expectations. With Chanukah gone, I do not want my nephews and nieces expecting anymore gifts. Ever. That is why I like to constantly remind them of the Temple's destruction.

From what I understand, on the 10^th of Tevet, Nevuchadnezar laid siege of Jerusalem, which led to the destruction of the First Temple and the exile to Babylonia. Why does nobody spell Nebuchadnezzar correctly? Was that his real English name? Was his Babylonian name different? Where is Babylonia and why would they name the Talmud after a place that doesn't exist? These are all important questions. But let us focus on our Nevuchadnezar within. I want you to think about that for a minute. What is your Nevuchadnezar?

According to the rabbis, the First Temple was destroyed because of the three cardinal sins of incest, idolatry and murder. It is important to commemorate and connect with the cardinal sins.

It is because of the fact that we still sin, that the Temple has not been rebuilt. Use the day to connect with your sins, thinking about idolatry, murder, and how you violated Shabbat. You and your sins of slanderous speech, and going out and partying late at night and not tithing, are the reasons why Jews are still in exile. Connect with your iniquitous self.

Maybe you haven't sinned enough recently. Think about those who have, and look down on them. That will definitely help you feel more religious.

Hatred Can Be Wrong

With this in mind, we cannot forget the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple. The rabbis tell us that there was a lot of baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason.

Hate for the correct reasons. There are a lot of reasons to hate people which are baseful. People cutting you off inline at the supermarket. People that don't use their blinkers when turning. People that stay in the middle of an intersection without turning. People at synagogue that do not share the armrest. Anybody who chews gum. They will leave it somewhere that is not the garbage. People on the plane that touch the seat in front of them. People who run marathons and ask me to donate money. They should not be running a marathon unless they can afford it. There is a problem if you do not have enough money to run. People who ask how you are and walk away before you answer. People that beep too much. People that give long-winded answers when you do not care. People who sneeze into midair. People who say 'Bless you' to people who sneeze into midair.

These people should be hated. The Temple was not destroyed for hating these people. There are many other reasons for baseful hatred, and we should connect with them on this fast day, where we think of baseless hatred. And let us not forget to be more in touch with the cardinal sins.

OTHER REASONS FOR 10^th of TEVET

According to Wikipedia, we commemorate other calamities too, which took place on the Eight and Ninth of Tevet. I am not fasting for three days. Not eating for 9 hours is enough for me.

Other reasons:

On the eight of Tevet, the Bible was ordered to be translated into Greek, known as the Septuagint. We know how big of a failure that was. Nobody even uses that translation nowadays.

I don't even understand the word Septuagint. I even think I pronounce it wrong. It is almost as complicated as pronouncing Nevuchanezar, and spelling it. Ahaseurus is complicated enough. Hebrew is easier to understand than this stuff. And you wonder why nobody speaks Greek nowadays. Is it Greek to you? I believe it is. It is Greek to me.

Translations of the Bible have lead to many people thinking they are knowledgeable and that is very annoying and a cause of much hatred. I cannot decide if that is baseful or baseless. Sometimes it is necessary.

On the ninth of Tevet, the Shulchan Aruch makes it clear that something happened, but we don't know what it was. That was the reason.

I think I am going to leave that to the rabbis to explain.

The fact that we did not have a specific tragedy to commemorate gave us no traditional reason to complain and many Jewish people started bringing up arthritis, diabetes, heart complications. It was the worst day on the Jewish Calendar for all family related. The rabbis had to come up with something, before more illness was created.

Some say Ezra died on this day, but you probably don't live in Israel, so Ezra did not mean much to you. If you learn the Prophets, you will understand this one. Give it a good three years.

Tisha BAv: Customs of The Nine Days

This is the day to be sad, along with every other day on the Jewish calendar. The Beit Hamikdash (Great Temple- you heathen who still uses the word temple) was destroyed, and as such, smiling is not something you should ever do. You should be the one giving a nasty look to the Am HaAretz who smiles.

Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron= Asur (forbidden, you heathen Am HaAretz who thinks smiling is not the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple). Those are the only two days you do not mourn as a frum Jew, because the not frum Jews mourn on that day. All sad stuff happened on Tisha BAv, so we put them all into one day- and then mourn the rest of the year, except for Yom HaShoah and Yom HaZikaron (days of remembrance you heretic who does whatever the Israeli government says- Oy!). 

There are the 3 weeks leading up to Tisha BAv and the Omer count (days of heightened sense of mourning), where you are not supposed to shave or date due to lack of self-hygiene. This should not be a big deal, as you already have a beard. We do enough mourning.  We should not mourn on Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron as well.

Modern frum do Yom HaShoah and Yom HaZikaron. It isn’t wrong to remember people who passed away or were killed for living a virtuous life. However, do not let other people know you care; do not practice the days of remembrance BFarhesia (in public- you Chanuka lighting lover of Zion who says Hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut). 

Service of H' (Gd- you apikores who doesn't know how to spell) should not involve emotion. The only time tears are allowed is when you are saying Slichot, the hymns said around the time of Rosh Hashana, as you sit there for an hour saying words you do not understand. That is pain.

The goal is to stay away from any happiness. There are different ways to show this. The most important aspect of not happiness is to show anger. You can do the table smack to show that it is Rosh Chodesh (The beginning of the month), so that people know you are not happy to add an extra paragraph to the Amidah (silent prayer we say standing up- you apikores who doesn't even know when to bow, using your transliterated Artscroll directions). You can eat herring all the time; that will make you angry, if you do not have crackers (herring is fish you apikores who doesn't know Yiddish). You can even spend the day watching your children. There are other techniques and ways for the expressing anger correctly. You can see this by watching parents.

If you can sport a blank depressed look, that is the best. If you are very spaced out, that also looks like you are connecting with H.' This technique should also be employed at funerals and Shiva houses.

The heightened mourning at this time of year begins with three weeks before Tisha BAv. Thus it is known as the Three Weeks. Because it is three weeks. The main idea of the Three Weeks is to bring a heightened sense of uncomfortable. Let your beard grow. That is quite uncomfortable in August, in 100 degree Fahrenheit weather. 

There are many ways to add discomfort. You can stick the fringes of your four cornered garment in your ear (Four cornered garment is Tzitzis- you poncho wearing apikores who doesn't even know that the four cornered garment needs tzitzis, and it is six times faster to say 'Tzitzis'). You can also have a conversation with anybody who passionately cares about something. You can listen to a Chozer BTshuva talk about how much they like Torah, and their passionate story about how they became religious. This kind of pain can lead to the rebuilding of the Temple.

The 9 Days are the 9 days before Tisha BAv from the beginning of the month (Rosh Chodesh- you apikores who only cares about Rosh Hashana), which we then take mourning to the next level. During this time, many people don't swim. But as a frum Jew, you should not be swimming anyways. The bungalow you are joining has a pool so that people can sit on chaise lounge chairs. Chaise lounge chairs must be made of plastic.

Remember: No eating meat for the 9 Days. You can eat fish, as fish never brought anybody happiness. 

You could be Sefardi and only mourn for the week of Tisha BAv (that is if you do not care for being shunned as a Jew). And that is why no Sefardi who keeps Sefardic tradition is considered frum. The tradition of the Three Weeks has no basis in the Rambam and it seems to be a solely Ashkenazik tradition. That being the case, it is important to be as stringent as possible. If you want to fit in as a Sefardic Jew and want to be frum, you should become Ashkenazi. Thinking happiness and knowledge of your own tradition will earn you respect is a pipe-dream. So make a better life for yourself and keep the Three Weeks and 9 Days.

Sefardim have a tradition to only mourn the week of Tisha BAv. Even so, as Ashkenazim, it is our tradition to mourn more. It is what keeps us a step above the Sefardim (Edut Mizrach, you American educated geography buff). If you can mourn from Pesach till this time, that is even better. The more you mourn, the better off you are. Even if you are a Sefardi, you want to mourn more than the three days. If you eat meat on any other day than Shabbis, during this time, you can fall into heretic status. If also can’t jump into a pool, because you feel it is wrong to have to sit in the sun without getting wet when it is over 90 degrees outside, when there was no water to put out the fire in the Beit HAmikdash, you crawl stroke apikores who does exercise.

There are ways around eating meat, according to the Sefer HaToda'ah (Book of Our Heritage- you apikoreset who got an English book for your Bat Mitzvah):

A bris is one. As brises are in the morning, it will not look weird to have the only bris ever seen in your community with a meat buffet. It will show how frum you are, as people will see that you are committed to the Kiddush concept, even in the middle of the week. Any Seudat Mitzvah (meal for a mitzvah- you heathen who thinks that it is a mitzvah to eat a meal, and doesn't understand that only a seuda is a mitzvah- Oy!) can also work. This includes a Pidyon HaBen, Bar Mitzvah and a Siyum (finishing a Tractate of Gemara or the Mishnah- where you can say you accomplished something of Torah- you Am HaAretz who has never redeemed a child, because you don't understand the English word Tractate and think that volumes is a better way to explain an easy Hebrew word). 

Now how do you plan your Siyum? Show up to a Yeshiva for a few minutes where people learn and piggyback on that man's success. You can also find any kosher restaurant in the New York area. Making money off of food is frum. Thus, you can show up to any restaurant and they will have a guy saying how meaningful it was to finish the Tractate, so that his family would not have to go a week without meat. If need be, you can always learn Mesechet Makot (the Tractate of Lashes, you chain learning conformist, chain carrying heathen who recently got a bolt put in your nose).

You are asking- How is it mourning if you are eating meat? Go and listen to the person celebrating the Siyum talk for a few minutes and you will feel the suffering of our people. The greatest suffering since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash; the right given to the people who are not part of the Anshei Knesset HaGdola to give Torah speeches, as if they know what they are talking about. 

Another way to eat meat is if there is an important rabbi coming through your town who wants to eat meat. In the presence of an important rabbi, you can do whatever you would like. You can break any of the mitzvot during the Three Weeks, or Shabbat for that matter. As long as the rabbi is within view and staying at your house, you can break whatever laws you want and just point to the rabbi. The presence of a rabbi in your house gives you the necessary status to change your religion for a few days. It is almost as good as being a descendant of the Gaon of Vilna (Gr"a, you apikores who speaks in non-acronym form). You can use that presence in your home for a good 20 years. Anytime somebody gives you a weird look, just say, 'Rav Shlit"a was in my house.' As you say shlit"a and don't understand what it means, you will have already suppressed any question of why you cannot pronounce a 'chet.' They will know you are a good frum Jew.

And do not forget, no listening to music during this time period, as we do not want any sense of joy. Even if it is Carlebach or Avraham Fried, there are people who feel that enjoy Tehillim (psalms, you apikores who parties kumzits style, in the middle of davening). So don’t start a rave with your guitar strumming the Am chord.

Pesach: Some Questions I Had at My Family's Seder

Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?

Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?

Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing this simple song, known as the 'Mah Nitshtana'?
Charoset stains too?
Why is my 3 year old nephew still awake?
Why do we not answer any of the questions?

What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice?
Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes?
You burnt the neck?!

Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim on every other night?
Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise?
What is Kitniyot again?
Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?
Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?
Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?
Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah?
That just has to stop?!
Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt, or intermarriage?
Why did my aunt tell my niece that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?
Why are all of these random people at our meal?
They never invited us?
Why is my niece still yelling?
Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?
Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail?
Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?
Since when is food coloring considered blood?
How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!
Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Can't these people control their eating habits?
Is there any other cut of meat, other than brisket?
Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed?
Are there other activities for children to do on Chol Hamoed?
Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?
Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?
Why are my nephews still yelling?
Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?

Other Blessings- That are Not Connected to Food

There are many other blessings, even though you should not have time to do anything other than eating. You might have to say a blessing for traveling, but you should still be eating a lot on the trip.

You have to Bench Gomel, which is a blessing you make when you encounter any near death experience, or some kind of danger. In most Jewish homes this includes a ball being thrown in the living room. I have also heard parents yelling at kids for climbing, so climbing can also be included as danger, along with eating without chewing. We also know how much paper-cuts hurt.
Whenever there is a scary experience HaGomel should be said. If you are a hypochondriac or a European Jew, you should be saying this blessing daily.

There are blessings for good looking people, but the last time I said that one, she smacked me.
When you see ugly people, you say, 'Who makes different beings.' Very important that they hear it when you say this blessing, as to give them the opportunity to say 'Amen.'

And there are more, even for rainbows and lighting. Even thunder has a blessing. When my nephew farts, we do not say a blessing, but we do make him say 'Excuse me.'
There are a lot and it gets confusing. This is why it is best to stay away from blessings. You should just say 'Shehakol' for everything.

Blesss people, That is a good blessing route to take when you have no clue what the bracha is. An easy starter to use as you grow as a blesser. It looks good when you tell somebody, ‘You should have clarity.’ It is a hip blessing to give, and it leaves them confused. Confusion is an amazing way to bless. 'Your space should be holy,' 'May your loins be abundantly fertile.'
This blessing thing is big in the hippieish frum community. However, it works amazing in the Charedi communities as well. If you mumble something, that also works as a Yiddish blessing. Just remember to go hi on the last word.
Simchas, 'You should have simchas.'What kind of simchas? What are simchas? Point is, it sounds good.

Many people have asked: 'They should live and be well' is not a blessing, but a curse. It is only used when you hate somebody.

Blessing people is also a very useful way to not have to have a conversation with other annoying members of the community. Example: 'You and your kids should have simchas.' Saying that they should have parties is a blessing which trumps any decent conversation. Any talking after that is going to be a downer. If you really want to get rid of people, bless H.' How are you? 'Thank Gd.' It is a good way to get people away from you, as nobody wants to hear too much about Gd. They really are just trying to make their way to the herring. This also shows them that you would rather talk with H,' then them.
You have to know how to interact in shule. The Kiddush interaction is the key and conversations about people's children gets boring when you don't care, so get down the blessings. And do not try to sound all smooth by throwing in their child's name that you forgot. Get them to mention the name and then throw the name into a blessing. I have done this many times. I am not sure if they realize that I am saying the name right after they did it.

Duchening- This is where the Cohanim Bless you (priests, you un-blessed friend of Mark Cohen, who has no idea that he goes by his mother's maiden name, which is also Mark).
If you can Spock it, then separate the fingers and show them you are part of the fraternity. Even if you are not a Cohen, little kids are impressed by this. They are wowed by the separating of the fingers, until they realize they can do it themselves.
The real answer for which Blessing: Say Shehakol for everything.
If you can throw in some Yiddish, you are good to go. It is better than Hebrew. Even better than a shehakol, when blessing people.

Better than a blessing is knowing how to turn enjoyment into something religious.
If you can turn a Shabbat Meal into something not fun, you have top frum status. One way to do this is to interrupt the conversation people are enjoying, with a Dvar Torah.
Here is a technique I witnessed while I was eating some amazing food. Everything you eat- say, 'Lkavod Shabbis Kodesh' (to honor the Holy Shabbat you heretic who eats fresh food on Saturdays). As it is a mitzvah to delight in the Shabbat, this will definitely take away from the enjoyment of your potato kugel. Pronounce it potatah kigel, you apikores.

Timing the Amen is the key to sounding good.
Nothing worse than a misplaced 'Amen.' The whole shule will notice the ignorance. It is almost as bad as a Kiddush with no choolent. If your 'Amen' was misplaced, pretend like you were sleeping. That is how you get the 'Amen' to work for you. You will turn into a rabbi story, where you were so holy that you dreamed about praying.
The Mizrachim know a misplaced 'Amen,' but they are more forgiving. The Sefardic community loves a good 'Amen.' As long as you say it with passion, in a Sefardic community, a good 'Amen' is a blessing itself.

And again- When you are called to the Torah, Never use the Barchu card.