High Holiday Seat Tips (as seen on Jewlarious)

High Holiday Seat Tips: Get the best bang for your buck out of your High Holiday seats in shul this year.

Contrary to popular belief, Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are not only about a New Year or atonement. The High Holidays are also about your seat. That’s right, where you are located in the shul.

It’s too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably.

Please do not complain about having to pay for seats. You are part of a community. That means you have to contribute. And that means you have to pull out some cash. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good value, right? So here are some of my tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holiday seats in shul.

Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible

Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious.

You do not want to be the outcast, sitting in the free 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast. For comfortable seating at a much lower price point, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, some Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance.

Tiny Seats in Shul

The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you are a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest.

As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space.

The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for the Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, most shuls have tried to recreate the feeling of transatlantic trip on a low cost air carrier.

The bad news is, that it is too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back.

Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat

Yes, there are people who try to buy the cheap seats, up in the bleachers. But they are always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Perhaps they do not realize that you purchased the seat so you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement!

First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it.

This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter.

Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders

Shtenders - prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor.

These days, they started making the shtender just small enough, so the guy’s machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking my head throughout the service.

Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy behind me. I then took the guy'smachzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. Thanks to this experience I now feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him.

He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred. I felt extremely penitent.

Share the Armrest

They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. He is leaning across the entire thing.

Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’

Know Your Hebrew Name

You do not want your chair saying Max the son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat.

Bring a Lawn Chair

This is a decent way to save money. The isles are never taken. If you are already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people already know to expect very little from you.

Plastic Chair Section

If you are sitting here, you probably also didn’t pay their dues. That is fine. There are advantages. If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. Let’s say you want to take a break, you are sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair, looking classy while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than 12 hours, take your seat back to your home and relax.

The guy in front of me last year set up the plastic section for his own needs. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he could. He had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. And he did not pay any dues. Talk about getting value! This guy has clearly started the New Year off right!

Jewish Olympic Summer Camp Sports (as published on Jewlarious)

Jewish Olympic Summer Camp Sports: Who remembers gaga?!

by David Kilimnick

Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today. It taught me what it means to be a good Jew. It also taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I am watching the summer Olympics, and I do not recall ever playing these sports at camp.

Gaga demonstrated to the sports staff that if our lives were at stake, we did run.

Here are a few of the special sports we played:

Newcomb

Newcomb was the most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It is like volleyball, but you can catch the ball. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking to the exact spot they were tossing it. Those were the real athletes. Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. From my understanding, when they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it.

They made sure that every young Jewish child felt like he or she was an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies.

Bottle Cap Hockey

Bottle Cap Hockey was the number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor, I must admit. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I.

Paper Football

Paper Football was another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table. After which, we would flick the paper football through a field goal, made out of pointer fingers, and lose our minds. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sport.

We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive; namely, Paper Football.

Floor Hockey

Floor hockey is the most serious of Jewish games, as we were not coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used bottle cap and our fingers. We played football with a paper towel. Athletic ability was secondary to the Jewish attribute of resourcefulness.

Dodgeball

The idea behind Dodgeball was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to humankind, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you do not have to play anymore.

Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough.

Gaga

Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear.

We were not an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we did run. Even the kids with asthma.

Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. The frightening level of competitiveness was the same reason the camp banned dodgeball and newcomb.

Torah Baseball

I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi at camp.

I was always convinced that Torah Baseball wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That was enough for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question. It’s a shame they do not have Torah Baseball or even a Torah-Bee in the Olympics

I loved all of these sports. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an all-star athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all four, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition.

But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and I promise you, there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of the table.

Fast Day Advice: Baseless Hatred (as published on Jewlarious)

Don’t be a Hater: The rabbis instructed us to eliminate baseless hatred. Here are some of my tips for even the most annoying of people.

By David Kilimnick

Contrary to my natural instincts, I am told that hatred is wrong. In fact, the three week period prior to the destruction of the Second Temple is upon us and the rabbis tell us that the Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. After all, you cannot hate people without a reason.

With that in mind, I would like to provide you with some ways to look at annoying people differently. We have to stop judging and start understanding.

Here are some ways to understand the irritating people – do it for the sake of the redemption of the Jewish people:

People who Cut in Front of you in Line

Think to yourself: they have something important to do. They have to get somewhere. Maybe they were there yesterday, and that was their spot beforehand.

Store with a ‘Going Out of Business Sale’ Sign up for Two Years

Think: This man has been struggling for over two years. Fighting through it all, while still giving people sales on all items. He is not lying.

Middle Eastern People Scooping from the Collective Humus Platter with Their Pita & Hand

They are just cleaning the platter for you.

A Server who is Not Smiling

They have too much business. Your coming back is detrimental to their reputation.

That Guy who Smells Bad on Bus

He’s claustrophobic. He needs his own seat, and he’s prepared.

People who Give You Unsolicited Advice

Maybe you did not know that ‘drinking coffee’ can help wake you up. Sometimes you are on a diet, and other people do not realize it. That is why they say, ‘You are overweight.’ Here is somebody who is coming along for you, the single person, letting you know, ‘It is not good to be lonely.’ Advice is always good.

The Falafel Guy with Unclean Hands

That is where the taste is coming from. You should be thanking him. Without his hands, you would not taste the curry.

The Person who Shows up to Gym with Unlaundered Clothes

The clothes are going to get dirty anyways. Not everybody comes from your country, where Tide is a good smell.

That Guy Who Puts his Leg on the Chair on Plane or Bus

Who is to say, that is your chair? Why is it in front of that guy, if it is yours? Perhaps, if their leg was not in the back of your chair, they would be less comfortable.

The Tall Person Sitting in Front of You at the Movie

Tall people should be allowed to watch movies too. You cannot ban them from the theater. It would be wrong to force them to sit in the back row. History shows us that some people would consider that discrimination. Taller people than you are a people too.

People Who Smoke in Public

They are giving you the chance to benefit from that wonderful cigarette smell, without having to bum a cigarette. Bumming cigarettes is annoying.

People Who Don’t Leave Messages and Expect You To Call Them Back

Everybody should assume they are important.

People Singing in Synagogue After the Prayer is Done

Everybody enjoys the lyrics ‘Nay Nay Nay.’ Our people have been singing that for centuries, even when nobody knew the prayers. ‘Nay Nay Nay’ are words of inspiration. The Beatles were inspired by those lyrics too. Without ‘Nay Nay Nay…’ ‘Hey Jude’ would have been a 2 minute song.

People Who Play Guitar Around the Camp Fire

The guitar is made out of wood. See the positive.

People Who Look at You and Do Not Say ‘Hello’

You think they are rude. But they are just engaging you in a lively staring competition.

Your Neighbors Above You in the Apartment Building

Your neighbors have to eat. You may want them to stop chewing because you can hear that, along with their walking. Even so, they might choke, and then their coughing will wake you up.

Your Neighbors who Leave their Garbage Outside their Front Door

Why should their house smell? That is quite selfish of you. Maybe they will take it down to the garbage at some point, if you don’t.

People Who Sit with Their Phone at Dinner

Your conversation as a family member is not interesting. Why should anybody have to sit down to dinner without their friends? For example, there might be an emergency in a teenager’s life. They might have a friend who just realized they are going to a movie. There might be a new game out. A guy might have said ‘Hi’ to a young girl. That is a life changer.

Children Who Leave Their Parents in Senior Citizens Home and Not Visiting

They already did their job. You are not going to get anything else out of them. Why should they have to have them around anymore?

Children Who Scream and Run Outside Your Door, While You Are Trying to Sleep

Running inside the home is excellent exercise. You brought these children into the world. That was your idea. Now you must allow them to use their legs and larynxes that Hashem gave them. More importantly, if you don’t allow them, one day, they might end up baselessly hating you and leave you in a senior citizens home.

Advice for the Kosher Traveler (as published on Jewlarious)

Advice for the Kosher Traveler: Summer is upon us and that means one thing: vacation. Here are some survival secrets for the kosher traveler.

by David Kilimnick

Summer is upon us and you know what that means: vacation. The world is your oyster. But what if you are a kosher keeping Jew and don’t, for example, eat oysters? How do you keep kosher on your trip?

Never fear. Here are some survival secrets that will help you enjoy your trip as a kosher traveler:

Love TV Dinners

TV Dinners were made for Jews. They are that special packaged dinner that is waiting for you in the harshest of circumstances, saying, ‘Even though you keep kosher, we still have something for you to eat.’

The dividers allow for clean distribution on your plate. Class is a four course dinner, served on one tray. Who else at the party, who else in the hotel, who else on the ship, has their own compartmentalized meal?! TV dinners are special.

Know Your Kosher Symbols

If you are not a ritual slaughterer, then this will be helpful.

Studying your kosher symbols may be hard, but there are ways to get around that. All Kosher symbols have some kind of border. Biblical shaped outlines are the most trustworthy. Tablets, Jewish Stars, Boxes. Do not trust acute shapes. Any angles sharper than 60° are not religious. Inside the border, there should be two to three letters. Four letters is definitely not a kosher symbol. Kosher keeping Jews keep their acronyms to three letters, or less. There will likely be a ‘K’ or an ‘O’ in the acronym. (For a handy dandy card with the major kosher symbols click here).

When Vacationing Always See the Main Tourist Attraction

The major tourist attraction in a particular city is the kosher restaurant.

As a kosher keeping Jew, you travel for one reason -- to find the city’s kosher sites. As your friend, I do not care to hear that you saw the castle. The question is, ‘Did you eat there?’ That is what the people back home want to hear about. ‘Should I waste my time going to Belgium? ‘Is the kosher food decent?’ Being able to relate that information is the sign of a great Jewish explorer. No one is going to ask if that castle was tasty.

I spent a day touring Brussels and I found Haagen-Dazs. It was gorgeous. The greatest vacation of my life. That was an adventure. I saw 32 flavors. Pistachio, praline, dulce de leche.

Find Chabad

No matter where you are in the world, Chabad is closer to New York than you. Stuck in Bangladesh? Chabad has a kosher meal. How do they get it? Don’t ask. That is the miracle of Chabad.

Thanks to Chabad, you can vacation in the wild without hunting, and still eat kosher food. Before Chabad came around, Jewish vacations were limited to Miami Beach.

And people ask why Chabad is in Thailand. Chutzpah.

Carry Plastic Dishware Everywhere

For centuries, the kosher traveler’s cuisine was restricted to finger foods and pita sandwiches. Now the kosher traveler can civilly eat anything a plastic knife can cut through. This includes boiled vegetables.

With your own plastic dishware, you can fit in at any dinner party, even with those who don’t keep kosher. If they do not understand kosher, make a few snide comments about their china and how filthy it is. People may not respect your religious practice, but they will respect your fear of germs.

Prepare and Work on Your Survival Skills

We are not hunter-gatherers, so make sure you have decent internet access on vacation. That could save your life. Stuck in the rainforests of Southeast Asia? Internet access can help you find a Chabad. Make sure you have a decent web browser and screen. How beautiful it is to view the tropical rainforests from your room, while eating a vacuum packed kosher meal.

You want to see a serious traveler? Locate a Jew in the eastern mountains of South America, who can find a kosher restaurant. That person can survive anywhere. You could stick them in the most desolate of places -- even in Canada -- and they will survive.

Fly as Much as You Can

Planes are a hub of kosher food, when traveling. Due to the lack of kosher symbols placed on food in Europe, I have started booking extra flights, just for the food. This also gives me a chance to see the whole country. I need breakfast, that is a flight to Madrid. Lunch? Heading to Rome. By the time dinner comes around, I am in Prague and I am not even hungry.

Need more incentive for flying? Kosher people get served first when traveling. It is the greatest luxury a kosher keeping Jew will ever have. Kind of like sitting in a very tiny seat in first-class, with people hitting you. This service may be the number one cause of anti-Semitism. But you know what? I am fine with that.

On a few airlines, though, I’ve noticed that vegetarians are starting to get served first. Now, I ask you, what did vegetarians ever have to go through as a people to deserve this honor? I just hope that something positive comes from this and the anti-Semites will come to hate vegetarians too.

Pack Food

If you are flying out of America, I understand you do not have much room. You are already smuggling a bunch of clothes and electronics. Nonetheless, for any vacation, the wise kosher traveler loads up on their nonperishables. For the kosher Jew, that means salami.

How often do customs really check your bags anyways? And if you are the reason for the new epidemic that kills all of the insects on your vacation, do you really care? At least you won’t feel bad about forgetting the repellent.

Frum or Not Frum? (as published on Jewlarious)

Frum or Not Frum?: Telltale signs someone is a religious Jew.

by David Kilimnick

According to comedian Lenny Bruce, there are some things that make somebody Jewish or not Jewish: going to a country club – not Jewish, going to a country club that bans Jews – Jewish. But here, we are going to discuss what makes somebody a religious Jew. In other words, a Frum Jew.

Jeans – not frum, slacks – frum

Playing sports – not frum, playing sports in pants – frum

Skiing – not frum, going to a football game – not frum, owning a football team – frum, going to a football game with a baseball hat – ask your rabbi

Eating – very frum, fasting – not frum, fasting and then eating all three meals right at nightfall – frum

Talking – frum, woman talking to man – not frum

Rochester NY – not frum, Brooklyn NY – frum

Pizza – frum, pasta – not frum, falafel – not frum, cholant – frum, herring – very frum, gefillte fish – frum, fast food – not frum, deep fried food – frum

Refrigerator with a light that works – not frum, huge fridge – not frum, three freezers in basement and one in the garage – frum

Crock-pot – relatively frum, hot-plate – frum

Computer – not frum, watching movies on a computer – frum

Car – not frum, minivan – frum

Sheitels/wigs – frum, toupee – not frum

Snood – frum, beret or bandanna – not frum

Trips – not frum, visiting family for simcha/celebration – frum

Fluorescent lights – not frum, candelabra – frum

Hat – not frum, black hat – frum

Shopping – not frum, going to the Dollar Store or any store that has a lot of items that sell for a dollar or less – frum

Tin pans – frum, copper not frum

Baseball hat – frum, visor – not frum, baseball hat when shopping – frum, baseball hat with a suit – you understand Galus – very frum

Vacation – not frum, spending the summer not at your house – frum

house – not frum, bungalows – frum

Motel – frum, hotel – not frum, hotel for Pesach – frum,

Voting – not frum, complaining about the president or prime minister – frum

Board games – not frum, board games on Shabbos – frum

Music – not frum, music to lyrics from King David – frum, singing a song with no lyrics – very frum

Goatee – not frum, beard – frum

Eating food that was just cooked – not frum, eating leftovers – frum

Hiking – not frum, hiking in long slacks and a white shirt – frum

Camping – not frum, tents – not frum, tent of meeting – not frum, “Mikdash”/not using the word Tabernacle – frum

Heavy-frum, aerobics – frum, working out – not frum, walking – frum, walking in a group – very frum, walking slowly on Shabbat afternoon with hands behind the back – frum

Eating – frum, organic – not frum, saying ‘The Diet Starts Now’ at the end of a meal – frum

Sweating – frum, sweating from exercise – not frum, saying ‘Let’s get exercise’ and then going for a walk – frum

Mordechai Ben David – frum, Chaim David – not frum, Simon & Garfunkel – frum

Plastic dishware – frum, dishes – not frum, 3 sets of fine china for 15 people – very frum

Salad – not frum, vegetables ground up and mixed with oil – frum, potato kugel – very frum,

Singing – frum, musical talent – not frum

Vegetables – not frum, vegetables in soup – frum

Borscht and Shav – frum, sorrel leaves – not frum

Diet – not frum, healthy living – not frum, you should have health – frum

Telling somebody to be healthy – not frum, telling somebody to have long life – frum,

Saving a life – not frum, pikuach nefesh/saying it in Hebrew – frum

Shabbat Shalom – not frum, Good Shabbos – maybe frum, Gut Shabbis – frum

Catskills – frum, Poconos – frum, Mountains – frum, Flordia – frum, LA – not frum,

Antwerp-  frum, Golders Green – frum, Tel Aviv – not frum,

Bnei Brak – frum, Toronto – frum, Montreal – not frum,

Kosher – not frum, Glatt kosher – frum

Marriage at 30 – not frum, marriage at 18 – frum

Bonfire – not frum, bonfire to commemorate death of rabbi – frum, collecting wood – not frum, using all inanimate objects that are not wood for bonfire – frum

If you have any questions, I plan on putting out the Frum Dictionary soon. Dictionaries? Not frum.