Monday, January 19, 2015

Other Blessings- That are Not Connected to Food

There are many other blessings, even though you should not have time to do anything other than eating. You might have to say a blessing for traveling, but you should still be eating a lot on the trip.

You have to Bench Gomel, which is a blessing you make when you encounter any near death experience, or some kind of danger. In most Jewish homes this includes a ball being thrown in the living room. I have also heard parents yelling at kids for climbing, so climbing can also be included as danger, along with eating without chewing. We also know how much paper-cuts hurt.
Whenever there is a scary experience HaGomel should be said. If you are a hypochondriac or a European Jew, you should be saying this blessing daily.

There are blessings for good looking people, but the last time I said that one, she smacked me.
When you see ugly people, you say, 'Who makes different beings.' Very important that they hear it when you say this blessing, as to give them the opportunity to say 'Amen.'

And there are more, even for rainbows and lighting. Even thunder has a blessing. When my nephew farts, we do not say a blessing, but we do make him say 'Excuse me.'
There are a lot and it gets confusing. This is why it is best to stay away from blessings. You should just say 'Shehakol' for everything.

Blesss people, That is a good blessing route to take when you have no clue what the bracha is. An easy starter to use as you grow as a blesser. It looks good when you tell somebody, ‘You should have clarity.’ It is a hip blessing to give, and it leaves them confused. Confusion is an amazing way to bless. 'Your space should be holy,' 'May your loins be abundantly fertile.'
This blessing thing is big in the hippieish frum community. However, it works amazing in the Charedi communities as well. If you mumble something, that also works as a Yiddish blessing. Just remember to go hi on the last word.
Simchas, 'You should have simchas.'What kind of simchas? What are simchas? Point is, it sounds good.

Many people have asked: 'They should live and be well' is not a blessing, but a curse. It is only used when you hate somebody.

Blessing people is also a very useful way to not have to have a conversation with other annoying members of the community. Example: 'You and your kids should have simchas.' Saying that they should have parties is a blessing which trumps any decent conversation. Any talking after that is going to be a downer. If you really want to get rid of people, bless H.' How are you? 'Thank Gd.' It is a good way to get people away from you, as nobody wants to hear too much about Gd. They really are just trying to make their way to the herring. This also shows them that you would rather talk with H,' then them.
You have to know how to interact in shule. The Kiddush interaction is the key and conversations about people's children gets boring when you don't care, so get down the blessings. And do not try to sound all smooth by throwing in their child's name that you forgot. Get them to mention the name and then throw the name into a blessing. I have done this many times. I am not sure if they realize that I am saying the name right after they did it.

Duchening- This is where the Cohanim Bless you (priests, you un-blessed friend of Mark Cohen, who has no idea that he goes by his mother's maiden name, which is also Mark).
If you can Spock it, then separate the fingers and show them you are part of the fraternity. Even if you are not a Cohen, little kids are impressed by this. They are wowed by the separating of the fingers, until they realize they can do it themselves.
The real answer for which Blessing: Say Shehakol for everything.
If you can throw in some Yiddish, you are good to go. It is better than Hebrew. Even better than a shehakol, when blessing people.

Better than a blessing is knowing how to turn enjoyment into something religious.
If you can turn a Shabbat Meal into something not fun, you have top frum status. One way to do this is to interrupt the conversation people are enjoying, with a Dvar Torah.
Here is a technique I witnessed while I was eating some amazing food. Everything you eat- say, 'Lkavod Shabbis Kodesh' (to honor the Holy Shabbat you heretic who eats fresh food on Saturdays). As it is a mitzvah to delight in the Shabbat, this will definitely take away from the enjoyment of your potato kugel. Pronounce it potatah kigel, you apikores.

Timing the Amen is the key to sounding good.
Nothing worse than a misplaced 'Amen.' The whole shule will notice the ignorance. It is almost as bad as a Kiddush with no choolent. If your 'Amen' was misplaced, pretend like you were sleeping. That is how you get the 'Amen' to work for you. You will turn into a rabbi story, where you were so holy that you dreamed about praying.
The Mizrachim know a misplaced 'Amen,' but they are more forgiving. The Sefardic community loves a good 'Amen.' As long as you say it with passion, in a Sefardic community, a good 'Amen' is a blessing itself.

And again- When you are called to the Torah, Never use the Barchu card.