How I Loved Jewish Holidays as a Child: A Memoir - Published in Jewlarious

How I Loved Jewish Holidays as a Child: A Memoir: My love for Jewish holidays – as a third grader.

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We’ve gone too long without a major Jewish holiday.

I loved the holidays as a young boy and I still love them now. As a kid, holidays meant days off from school. And that was happiness. Now, holidays mean days off of work. And that is almost as meaningful.

So with Purim and Pesach seeming painfully too far away, I thought I would share some memories with you of my love of all holidays – from the third grade:

In third grade I felt so close to God. I prayed every day for no school.

I Loved the Food

First and most importantly: brisket meant two days with no school

My mom would often complain about the two day holidays that Jews keep when they are outside of Israel. I always found that confusing. I thought she delighted in cooking the required 15 meals, for the seven of us, and the guests. She would call it slaving. Even so, she looked nothing like the Jews leaving Egypt.

Of course, my mom would never let the guests know of her eternal slavery. When the guests would ask my mom how she made the food, she would always tell them, ‘It was easy.’ Perhaps if she would have told somebody, they might have saved her.

I Loved Praying

I felt so close to God when I was in third grade, that I prayed every day for no school. I even began praying for brisket. That prayer went, ‘May my mom not be a slave, so she can cook.’

I wished the holidays would last all year. I wouldn’t have to go to school and my mom would be able to make a hot lunch every day. This way she could get used to cooking all the time, and not feel like she was slaving.

If there was one thing that had me questioning omnipotence, it was bagged lunches. If my mom would have made me hot lunches every day, I would have had unquestioning belief.

In Israel, the Holy Land, Jews only keep one day of each holiday. When I think back to third grade, not getting two days off from school would have shaken my faith.

Half Day of School is Still Religious

I would also get excited for minor holidays

Even when we did have school, holidays meant more art projects and other activities that the teachers somehow got away with calling “religious.”

Purim was a day of beauty. We would have a half day of school and that was the Purim carnival. I even volunteered (and enjoyed) the throw the sponge at David’s face booth. I was committed to the community and for the sake of fewer classes, I would sacrifice my body.

Even fast days were great, as we would get half day off of school. I became a devout youth and started praying for more tragedy.

Chabad Loves Booths & I Love Chabad

The Chabad rabbis always had these great booths. We would get to skip class for their shofar making booth, where we made shofars we couldn’t use. They also had a grorger making booth, for Purim, where we made noise makers that were too heavy to pick up.

Every holiday had a booth. A booth meant 45 minutes on something we weren’t getting graded on.

I was a big fan of the booths, though the Chanukah Menorahmobile, with the lit candles, always looked dangerous/like a fire hazard.

Factories are Better than Booths

Then there was the Chabad Matzah Factory, or as I called it, dream day. A multiple booth set-up, including a field trip. A whole half a day off from school, to have us flatten dough for Passover. Strangely, we could not eat this matzah on Passover because it was chametz. That was part of the education, letting us know that no matter how well we kept the commandments, it was not good enough.

I was happy with the sweatshop Matzah work. Many people look at sweatshop work as though it is negative but I learned that if it is for education, child sweatshops are fine. For example, the school also had us selling chocolate bars at a 600% profit, for which we received a rubber basketball if we sold $500 worth. The Matzah work didn’t pay, but it did give us 5 hours off of school. Who could have ever thought that 18 minutes could last so long?

Poem from Third Grade by David Kilimnick

This is an actual poem that I wrote in third grade. This may sum it all up:

Oh Shabbat
How I love you
Pesach, Sukkot
You are the joy of every Jew
Shavuot, Yom Kippur
I love you too
I love every day
When we don’t have school

Mrs. Funsten gave me a bad grade on this because ‘school’ loosely rhymes with ‘Jew.’ I had a diction problem and never was able to pronounce the ‘l.’ I think that was wrong of her.

Sundays Don’t Last all Week

Would I have traded my religion for a whole week of Sundays? Perhaps, but you have to live in reality. I never witnessed anybody who had a whole week of television. Heaven did not exist on earth.

Educational television gave me hope for a better world. ‘321 Contact’ was that little piece of heaven brought into school. Those genius 8-year-old detectives were as close to redeemers I have ever witnessed. I love you Bloodhound Gang. I have no idea how you made it to Ms. Funsten’s class, but thank you. You taught me that gangs are good.

Finished School - Still Religious?

Once school stopped, I came to a realization: I had no more reason to be Jewish. I could have as many vacation days as I wanted. Then I got a job. I was once again a believer. I got to take days off of work because of my religion…Then they started making me come in on Sundays, because of the holidays I took off. But at least I still got to eat Mom’s brisket.

How To Make Next Chanukah Better (as published in Jewlarious)

http://www.aish.com/j/fs/How-To-Make-Your-Next-Chanukah-Better.html
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How To Make Your Next Chanukah Better

Eat oily food and enjoy the extra pounds. Heaviness shows religious commitment.

by David Kilimnick

Chanukah may be over but we’re still in the holiday spirit. So I thought I would post some advice as to how to make your Chanukah more meaningful. Consider it my Chanukah gift to you. You’re welcome.

Get a Dreidel Circle Going

Holidays are all about the children and education. So why not teach them how to gamble. Tradition has it that our children were gambling back in the days, to ward off the Greeks from thinking we were learning Torah. Connecting with tradition, I have witnessed many Jewish day school children to this day, who also skip class and play cards in the bathroom.

Gambling according to many rabbinic authorities is forbidden, unless you are playing dreidel…or in Vegas for the diamonds convention. You want to make sure that the children connect with this part of Chanukah. I was taught with chocolate, Hershey's Kisses to be exact. But gambling with money is really best for the child’s spiritual development.

Sing Nice Religious Chanukah Songs

Maoz Tzur is great. But I am a big fan of the English songs. But if we’re going to be real here, songs like 'Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah…Light the Menorah,' are misinforming generations of Jews. The line, 'We light one for each night,' is very misleading. You light six on the sixth night. Seven, including the shamis. You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit candle(the commemoration of somebody's death), and Yahrzheit candles should only be used as shot glasses, according to tradition. So really, the song should go, ‘We light one on the first night, plus the shamis we lit…4 on the fourth night, plus the shamis we lit…8 on the eighth night plus the shamis…you get the idea.

Give Gelt. People Like Money.

Our tradition knew that people don’t like thought, years ago. Bring your family and friends into the day and let them know that the thought does not count at all. Give gelt.

And I’m not talking chocolate coins, but now that we’re on the topic, those chocolates are a rip off. They are too small for any real Jew to enjoy. If you are still hungry, then you have not fulfilled any religious holiday duty. Binge eating is part of the tradition, and no child has enough gelt or people that love them, to binge on chocolate coins.

The fact that gelt is Yiddish does give the tradition of giving money greater religious significance. However, the size of a Hershey’s Giant Chocolate Bar makes it more religious than chocolate gelt. For this reason, give the children the gift that keeps them wanting to be Jewish. Money.

Light a Decent Sized Chanukiah

Do not try to compete with Chabad. Chabad has the biggest Chanukiot in the world. One year, I made one that was ten feet tall. The next year, Chabad had one 10 stories tall. The rabbi was hanging from scaffolding. Face it, you can’t compete with that.

Eat Oil

As we know, there was oil left in the Temple, enough for one day’s lighting, which lasted for eight days. Oil is used in food. Be a good Jew and eat it oily food.

Olive oil is too expensive. Many use canola oil. I suggest using fat from flanken (short ribs). That is the kind of oil that stays in the stomach for 8 days.

If you have the ability to drink oil, that is the best way to take it down. That is traditional commitment. Being that most people need a carbohydrate in there, be a good Jew and use oil on as much as you can. You can put oil on most anything. Traditionally, we are into latkes and sufganiyot but you should be eating oil with everything. Do not be afraid to add it to your cornflakes.

Eat and Feel More Religious

Enjoy the extra pounds. Heaviness shows religious commitment.

There is a tradition that you can’t put on weight on holidays. But do not worry. To my surprise, Sukkot last year, I put on 15 pounds. Chanukah, I put on 18. After years of first hand research, I have discovered that this tradition only works when you do not eat.