Tisha BAv: Customs of The Nine Days

This is the day to be sad, along with every other day on the Jewish calendar. The Beit Hamikdash (Great Temple- you heathen who still uses the word temple) was destroyed, and as such, smiling is not something you should ever do. You should be the one giving a nasty look to the Am HaAretz who smiles.

Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron= Asur (forbidden, you heathen Am HaAretz who thinks smiling is not the reason for the destruction of the Second Temple). Those are the only two days you do not mourn as a frum Jew, because the not frum Jews mourn on that day. All sad stuff happened on Tisha BAv, so we put them all into one day- and then mourn the rest of the year, except for Yom HaShoah and Yom HaZikaron (days of remembrance you heretic who does whatever the Israeli government says- Oy!). 

There are the 3 weeks leading up to Tisha BAv and the Omer count (days of heightened sense of mourning), where you are not supposed to shave or date due to lack of self-hygiene. This should not be a big deal, as you already have a beard. We do enough mourning.  We should not mourn on Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron as well.

Modern frum do Yom HaShoah and Yom HaZikaron. It isn’t wrong to remember people who passed away or were killed for living a virtuous life. However, do not let other people know you care; do not practice the days of remembrance BFarhesia (in public- you Chanuka lighting lover of Zion who says Hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut). 

Service of H' (Gd- you apikores who doesn't know how to spell) should not involve emotion. The only time tears are allowed is when you are saying Slichot, the hymns said around the time of Rosh Hashana, as you sit there for an hour saying words you do not understand. That is pain.

The goal is to stay away from any happiness. There are different ways to show this. The most important aspect of not happiness is to show anger. You can do the table smack to show that it is Rosh Chodesh (The beginning of the month), so that people know you are not happy to add an extra paragraph to the Amidah (silent prayer we say standing up- you apikores who doesn't even know when to bow, using your transliterated Artscroll directions). You can eat herring all the time; that will make you angry, if you do not have crackers (herring is fish you apikores who doesn't know Yiddish). You can even spend the day watching your children. There are other techniques and ways for the expressing anger correctly. You can see this by watching parents.

If you can sport a blank depressed look, that is the best. If you are very spaced out, that also looks like you are connecting with H.' This technique should also be employed at funerals and Shiva houses.

The heightened mourning at this time of year begins with three weeks before Tisha BAv. Thus it is known as the Three Weeks. Because it is three weeks. The main idea of the Three Weeks is to bring a heightened sense of uncomfortable. Let your beard grow. That is quite uncomfortable in August, in 100 degree Fahrenheit weather. 

There are many ways to add discomfort. You can stick the fringes of your four cornered garment in your ear (Four cornered garment is Tzitzis- you poncho wearing apikores who doesn't even know that the four cornered garment needs tzitzis, and it is six times faster to say 'Tzitzis'). You can also have a conversation with anybody who passionately cares about something. You can listen to a Chozer BTshuva talk about how much they like Torah, and their passionate story about how they became religious. This kind of pain can lead to the rebuilding of the Temple.

The 9 Days are the 9 days before Tisha BAv from the beginning of the month (Rosh Chodesh- you apikores who only cares about Rosh Hashana), which we then take mourning to the next level. During this time, many people don't swim. But as a frum Jew, you should not be swimming anyways. The bungalow you are joining has a pool so that people can sit on chaise lounge chairs. Chaise lounge chairs must be made of plastic.

Remember: No eating meat for the 9 Days. You can eat fish, as fish never brought anybody happiness. 

You could be Sefardi and only mourn for the week of Tisha BAv (that is if you do not care for being shunned as a Jew). And that is why no Sefardi who keeps Sefardic tradition is considered frum. The tradition of the Three Weeks has no basis in the Rambam and it seems to be a solely Ashkenazik tradition. That being the case, it is important to be as stringent as possible. If you want to fit in as a Sefardic Jew and want to be frum, you should become Ashkenazi. Thinking happiness and knowledge of your own tradition will earn you respect is a pipe-dream. So make a better life for yourself and keep the Three Weeks and 9 Days.

Sefardim have a tradition to only mourn the week of Tisha BAv. Even so, as Ashkenazim, it is our tradition to mourn more. It is what keeps us a step above the Sefardim (Edut Mizrach, you American educated geography buff). If you can mourn from Pesach till this time, that is even better. The more you mourn, the better off you are. Even if you are a Sefardi, you want to mourn more than the three days. If you eat meat on any other day than Shabbis, during this time, you can fall into heretic status. If also can’t jump into a pool, because you feel it is wrong to have to sit in the sun without getting wet when it is over 90 degrees outside, when there was no water to put out the fire in the Beit HAmikdash, you crawl stroke apikores who does exercise.

There are ways around eating meat, according to the Sefer HaToda'ah (Book of Our Heritage- you apikoreset who got an English book for your Bat Mitzvah):

A bris is one. As brises are in the morning, it will not look weird to have the only bris ever seen in your community with a meat buffet. It will show how frum you are, as people will see that you are committed to the Kiddush concept, even in the middle of the week. Any Seudat Mitzvah (meal for a mitzvah- you heathen who thinks that it is a mitzvah to eat a meal, and doesn't understand that only a seuda is a mitzvah- Oy!) can also work. This includes a Pidyon HaBen, Bar Mitzvah and a Siyum (finishing a Tractate of Gemara or the Mishnah- where you can say you accomplished something of Torah- you Am HaAretz who has never redeemed a child, because you don't understand the English word Tractate and think that volumes is a better way to explain an easy Hebrew word). 

Now how do you plan your Siyum? Show up to a Yeshiva for a few minutes where people learn and piggyback on that man's success. You can also find any kosher restaurant in the New York area. Making money off of food is frum. Thus, you can show up to any restaurant and they will have a guy saying how meaningful it was to finish the Tractate, so that his family would not have to go a week without meat. If need be, you can always learn Mesechet Makot (the Tractate of Lashes, you chain learning conformist, chain carrying heathen who recently got a bolt put in your nose).

You are asking- How is it mourning if you are eating meat? Go and listen to the person celebrating the Siyum talk for a few minutes and you will feel the suffering of our people. The greatest suffering since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash; the right given to the people who are not part of the Anshei Knesset HaGdola to give Torah speeches, as if they know what they are talking about. 

Another way to eat meat is if there is an important rabbi coming through your town who wants to eat meat. In the presence of an important rabbi, you can do whatever you would like. You can break any of the mitzvot during the Three Weeks, or Shabbat for that matter. As long as the rabbi is within view and staying at your house, you can break whatever laws you want and just point to the rabbi. The presence of a rabbi in your house gives you the necessary status to change your religion for a few days. It is almost as good as being a descendant of the Gaon of Vilna (Gr"a, you apikores who speaks in non-acronym form). You can use that presence in your home for a good 20 years. Anytime somebody gives you a weird look, just say, 'Rav Shlit"a was in my house.' As you say shlit"a and don't understand what it means, you will have already suppressed any question of why you cannot pronounce a 'chet.' They will know you are a good frum Jew.

And do not forget, no listening to music during this time period, as we do not want any sense of joy. Even if it is Carlebach or Avraham Fried, there are people who feel that enjoy Tehillim (psalms, you apikores who parties kumzits style, in the middle of davening). So don’t start a rave with your guitar strumming the Am chord.