Chanukah is not a religious holiday. Nothing about the Holiday is frum. If you want to be frum, you should skip Chanukah.
Reasons Chanukah is not frum:
-Any holiday that you can shower on is not religious. If you are permitted to smell good, it is not religious day. There is a reason we celebrate two straight days of every holiday outside of Israel, where general hygiene is overly stressed.
-Chilonim- secular Jews like it. Anything secular Jews like cannot be frum. Why do you think frum Jews stopped eating shrimp?
-Sing Christmas carols to Hebrew words. That is XMas you non-frum wreath hanging sinner. Chas vShalom, calling it Christmas and singing those songs like 'We light...one for each night,' are not even Jewish. You light six on the sixth night. Seven including the shamis (the light that shouldn't even be there, you non-oil lighting heretic). You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody's death, you gehenim living preetzut and gashmeut to death).
-Not one famous American Jewish singer ever wrote a Chanukah song, which is why most Jews feel it is easier to connect with Xmas. And do not say Matisyahu. I think he recently made a decision that his spiritual quest has pulled him to the Bhaji faith.
-Chabad is out in the public celebrating it with huge Chanukias (those are the chanukah Menoras, you nonHebrew speaking nonTemple praying Hellenist). Frum Jews do not associate with Chabad, unless they are on vacation. You have to keep kosher when traveling, and there are only so many Snickers bars you can force your children to eat before they don't like candy anymore. Chabad brings the hot Kosher food, and that hashgacha works in Thailand.
-Spinning tops are not frum. Call it dreidel, but gambling is forbidden unless you are in Vegas for the Diamonds convention. Putting money down on dreidel is 'Misachek BKoobiah' (gambling you apikores who cannot bare witness).
-We get gifts and not one of the people that gives us the gift has a long white beard.
-Chocolate coins as Chanukah Gelt is a rip off. The chocolates are also too small for any real Jew to enjoy. The fact that gelt is Yiddish does give the tradition of giving money some religious significance.
-You are allowed to work, and work is asur (forbidden, you family supporting gift purchasing heretic).
-No Galus or as you know it, Diaspora, is involved in the holiday. Any holiday that even hints to redemption is not religious. Even worse, is if the holiday speaks of Israel being united. For this same reason, no true frum Jew would even think to say Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day- Oy, If I forget thee oh galus).
-The Holiday is fun.
The only part to Chanukah that is frum is eating. But even sufganiot, which are jellyless jelly doughnuts, are not frum at all. Frum people do not eat doughnuts, unless the doughnut is spongecake.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
BRACHOT: Which Ones
Lets try to be picky and go into some details. If you can say a Bracha out loud, correctly, you are in.
Fruits are 'Ha'Etz' (that is the blessing for something from the tree, you non-Yirat Shamaim, fruit picker who doesn't even tithe. And never use the word 'Tithe.' The fact that you know the commandment of tithing fruits from Israel could turn you into a heretic right away. We are already losing enough money with Tzedakah. That is charity, you none-Mayser giving rich Israel visiting chazer. 'Mayser' is OK to use, as its connotation of tithing is for charity). 'Ha'etz' would be the blessing 'Boreh Pri HaEtz,' creator of the fruits of the tree.
Most vegetables are 'Boreh Pri HaAdama,' because they are from the ground. But then some fruits are from the ground, and that is confusing. And there are bananas. You will look real bad trying to figure it out. And what is worse is pulling out a book which shows you which Brachot to say on what. You start looking at the pictures. Can you tell the difference between a peach and a nectarine? I can't. There is only one answer. say Shehakol for everything.
Say Shehakol for everything. The blessing meaning, that all is created by Gd's word. You naturally say this for all meats, fish, and anything you have no idea about. That means, you should be saying Shehakol for everything.
You shouldn't be eating fruits or vegetables anyways, unless they are cooked. Only non-religious people eat vegetables that are not mixed into a dish. They know this as salad. They have no place in heaven. Even vegetable soup is religiously questionable. You would say mzonot or shehakol on this cooked stuff, as it becomes tafel (the unimportant, being vegetables here, to the main stuff. The secondary part of the dish, you chicken soup eating apikores who makes a bracha on pizza sauce) to the stuff you are allowed to eat, like the noodles.
'Al HaGefen'- The blessing said on wine, exempts you from saying the belssing on of Shehakol, which you would say on drinks. Again, confusing. You sit there making the blessing and you are now screwed even saying 'Shehakol.' Which is why you must be an advanced student before you are the one making kiddush fo the Kehilah (the congregation, you hermetic heretic). Best to be the silent one who looks like a tzaddik. If you are silent, you are either not knowledgeable or righteous.
Shehchiyanu- There is no real time for this. Originally it was said for the first fruits of a season, or something of the sorts, to thank Gd for keeping us alive. Now it is said when something makes you happy. Anything that makes you happy, as you are always depressed. That is when we make this blessing of thanks to H' for keeping us alive, as there is nothing else to be happy about. Once you get down this blessing, you can use it any time. People will think you have a minhag (tradition, you 'Fiddler on The Roof' watching heretic who doesn't understand that it is our tradition to say minhag). Just make sure you can justify it being a first time. A fruit not in season, 'It is my first time eating the starfruit this week.' Be creative like that. It works, and you can always say Shehechiyanu on starfruit.
This is the greatest source based part of the book. I am sorry for that.
Most importantly. If you do not know the brachot, and you don’t want to look like an idiot, mumble. Mumbling always looks religious. Mumble whatever you can. Mumble whatever you can't. It is the same thing. It works for all blessings and prayers (tefillah- you transliterate idiot). Mumble and you will sound like you are praying or speaking Yiddish.
When mumbling, remember to go hi at points. Kvetch that hi note out, you frum machine.
And again, never look at the Barchu Card. If you have to mumble it and stop at some point. They will answer that Barchu blessing for you. If you hi pitch it enough, they will connect with some Eastern European tradition.
Mumbling is a tool which also works when singing, you un-chaching embarrassment. Mumble for all songs. You will fit in. Nay Nay Nay that baby, and they will see how you are singing with your soul. The soul cannot express itself with words, and neither can you.
The soul groups Nay Nay Nays in threes. The soul does not elevate itself with one Nay.
Karaoke? No. You Chasiodiki that. Make sure the screen has those words on it, so you can sing along. And don't look stupid Nay Naying the Nay Nay Nay of tha chorus too soon.
For grains, you say 'Mzonot,' the blessing of 'Who creates varieties of food.' As we do not we really know what grains mean, because we are not all farmers, this specific blessing is vague.
This is why everything is a Pesach legume. These legumes are different than the non-Pesach legumes.
Again, just say Shehakol.
Then there are the blessings you say after you eat. Memorize these. It is pathetic to have to pull out a Birkon (the book with the post bread and meal blessing in it, you heretic who is using the Birkon to sing Israeli songs, you 'Al Kol Oleh' chiloni).
Only time you are allowed to look in a bencher is for Sheva Brachot. Or when singing a Shabbat Zemer (a song that has too many versus, which we sing on Shabbis all the way through, to show our fervor and ensure that people will be extremely frustrated with their religious connection to words they don't know, you heretic who jumps to the nay nays, without even a third nay).
I had years where I had to look at the Birkon. It was an embarrassment. The Birkat HaMazon (post bread meal blessing, you ungrateful gluten hater), was too long. I had nightmares of having to sit there reading it for three minutes. Since then, I now say it by heart and I now can enjoy tons of bread. Saying it by heart allows me to skip words and paragraphs of the prayer without even realizing it.
You are supposed to say at least 100 Brachot a day. It says it somewhere. Point is that you do not have to do it in public, which means that your doing it has nothing to do with this manifesto of educational brilliance. Even so, as a religious Jew, you will find yourself wimping out and wanting to do it.
If you are having a hard time figuring out which Brachot to say when and how you can do one hundred brachot in a day, go hang around some Sefardim (Mizrachim in Israel- you racist heretic). They love saying them out loud. Just get ready to say 'Amen.' These 'Amens' help you feel like you are getting in the 100 daily blessings. The Mizrachim always assume that people do not know what is going on, so they say the stuff out loud, making it much easier to be frum in a Mizrachi community. You just have to get in the Amen. They also bring out tons of food which every makes blessings on out loud. Just follow exactly what the guy did before you. Go to a Mizrachi minyan and you will find yourself saying twelve Brachot on food, and you will still be starving. You can score a lot of blessings, but make sure you get down the accent. They can peg a non-frum sefardi right away. If you have problems fitting in, go full on Yiddish. That pronunciation of the Yeshiva world gives you status in the Mizrachi communities. And remember, never mention the Ben Ish Chai. If you do that, then they will know you are not a frum Ashkenazi.
Fruits are 'Ha'Etz' (that is the blessing for something from the tree, you non-Yirat Shamaim, fruit picker who doesn't even tithe. And never use the word 'Tithe.' The fact that you know the commandment of tithing fruits from Israel could turn you into a heretic right away. We are already losing enough money with Tzedakah. That is charity, you none-Mayser giving rich Israel visiting chazer. 'Mayser' is OK to use, as its connotation of tithing is for charity). 'Ha'etz' would be the blessing 'Boreh Pri HaEtz,' creator of the fruits of the tree.
Most vegetables are 'Boreh Pri HaAdama,' because they are from the ground. But then some fruits are from the ground, and that is confusing. And there are bananas. You will look real bad trying to figure it out. And what is worse is pulling out a book which shows you which Brachot to say on what. You start looking at the pictures. Can you tell the difference between a peach and a nectarine? I can't. There is only one answer. say Shehakol for everything.
Say Shehakol for everything. The blessing meaning, that all is created by Gd's word. You naturally say this for all meats, fish, and anything you have no idea about. That means, you should be saying Shehakol for everything.
You shouldn't be eating fruits or vegetables anyways, unless they are cooked. Only non-religious people eat vegetables that are not mixed into a dish. They know this as salad. They have no place in heaven. Even vegetable soup is religiously questionable. You would say mzonot or shehakol on this cooked stuff, as it becomes tafel (the unimportant, being vegetables here, to the main stuff. The secondary part of the dish, you chicken soup eating apikores who makes a bracha on pizza sauce) to the stuff you are allowed to eat, like the noodles.
'Al HaGefen'- The blessing said on wine, exempts you from saying the belssing on of Shehakol, which you would say on drinks. Again, confusing. You sit there making the blessing and you are now screwed even saying 'Shehakol.' Which is why you must be an advanced student before you are the one making kiddush fo the Kehilah (the congregation, you hermetic heretic). Best to be the silent one who looks like a tzaddik. If you are silent, you are either not knowledgeable or righteous.
Shehchiyanu- There is no real time for this. Originally it was said for the first fruits of a season, or something of the sorts, to thank Gd for keeping us alive. Now it is said when something makes you happy. Anything that makes you happy, as you are always depressed. That is when we make this blessing of thanks to H' for keeping us alive, as there is nothing else to be happy about. Once you get down this blessing, you can use it any time. People will think you have a minhag (tradition, you 'Fiddler on The Roof' watching heretic who doesn't understand that it is our tradition to say minhag). Just make sure you can justify it being a first time. A fruit not in season, 'It is my first time eating the starfruit this week.' Be creative like that. It works, and you can always say Shehechiyanu on starfruit.
This is the greatest source based part of the book. I am sorry for that.
Most importantly. If you do not know the brachot, and you don’t want to look like an idiot, mumble. Mumbling always looks religious. Mumble whatever you can. Mumble whatever you can't. It is the same thing. It works for all blessings and prayers (tefillah- you transliterate idiot). Mumble and you will sound like you are praying or speaking Yiddish.
When mumbling, remember to go hi at points. Kvetch that hi note out, you frum machine.
And again, never look at the Barchu Card. If you have to mumble it and stop at some point. They will answer that Barchu blessing for you. If you hi pitch it enough, they will connect with some Eastern European tradition.
Mumbling is a tool which also works when singing, you un-chaching embarrassment. Mumble for all songs. You will fit in. Nay Nay Nay that baby, and they will see how you are singing with your soul. The soul cannot express itself with words, and neither can you.
The soul groups Nay Nay Nays in threes. The soul does not elevate itself with one Nay.
Karaoke? No. You Chasiodiki that. Make sure the screen has those words on it, so you can sing along. And don't look stupid Nay Naying the Nay Nay Nay of tha chorus too soon.
For grains, you say 'Mzonot,' the blessing of 'Who creates varieties of food.' As we do not we really know what grains mean, because we are not all farmers, this specific blessing is vague.
This is why everything is a Pesach legume. These legumes are different than the non-Pesach legumes.
Again, just say Shehakol.
Then there are the blessings you say after you eat. Memorize these. It is pathetic to have to pull out a Birkon (the book with the post bread and meal blessing in it, you heretic who is using the Birkon to sing Israeli songs, you 'Al Kol Oleh' chiloni).
Only time you are allowed to look in a bencher is for Sheva Brachot. Or when singing a Shabbat Zemer (a song that has too many versus, which we sing on Shabbis all the way through, to show our fervor and ensure that people will be extremely frustrated with their religious connection to words they don't know, you heretic who jumps to the nay nays, without even a third nay).
I had years where I had to look at the Birkon. It was an embarrassment. The Birkat HaMazon (post bread meal blessing, you ungrateful gluten hater), was too long. I had nightmares of having to sit there reading it for three minutes. Since then, I now say it by heart and I now can enjoy tons of bread. Saying it by heart allows me to skip words and paragraphs of the prayer without even realizing it.
You are supposed to say at least 100 Brachot a day. It says it somewhere. Point is that you do not have to do it in public, which means that your doing it has nothing to do with this manifesto of educational brilliance. Even so, as a religious Jew, you will find yourself wimping out and wanting to do it.
If you are having a hard time figuring out which Brachot to say when and how you can do one hundred brachot in a day, go hang around some Sefardim (Mizrachim in Israel- you racist heretic). They love saying them out loud. Just get ready to say 'Amen.' These 'Amens' help you feel like you are getting in the 100 daily blessings. The Mizrachim always assume that people do not know what is going on, so they say the stuff out loud, making it much easier to be frum in a Mizrachi community. You just have to get in the Amen. They also bring out tons of food which every makes blessings on out loud. Just follow exactly what the guy did before you. Go to a Mizrachi minyan and you will find yourself saying twelve Brachot on food, and you will still be starving. You can score a lot of blessings, but make sure you get down the accent. They can peg a non-frum sefardi right away. If you have problems fitting in, go full on Yiddish. That pronunciation of the Yeshiva world gives you status in the Mizrachi communities. And remember, never mention the Ben Ish Chai. If you do that, then they will know you are not a frum Ashkenazi.
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