Food Jews Love To Eat: Ashkenazi Edition (Article)

Food Jews Love To Eat: Ashkenazi Edition: There is one thing that connects all Jews. Food.



The Way Ashkenazim Love Food (my article for the lovers of Jewish European cuisine- click link above)



Anything called pastrami, Schmaltz, brisket, anything from a deli, Shabbat food eaten all week. Potato in any form. Potato knish, potato perogies, potato kugel, mashed potatoes, French fries...We took potatoes and tried every form of cooking and baking with them, and it all worked. Only potatoes. That is the full menu of Jewish vegetarian cuisine. Anything with potatoes is Jewish vegetarian food. That is all the uniqueness we have to offer non-meat eaters; potato side dishes and matzah ball soup. Everything else is meat, lox or celery in effervescent form.

Rosh Hashanah Resolutions

Rosh Hashanah Resolutions: God, please help me to stop eating chocolate.



Shan Tova Lachem

You should all be blessed with a year of laughter...



To help along, as the machzor doesn't include this...here are ROSH HASHANA RESOLUTIONS YOU WILL MAKE IN SHUL:

I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long.

I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter.

I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays.

I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now.

If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.

I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one.

I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur.



New Year' means it's time for resolutions (not vows, as those aren't allowed)...Not eating chocolate is a necessary resolution all must make. What else can you resolute? My article attached is here to help you with more resolutions that you can make while sitting in shul (click the link above)



***To share more laughter and perspective this year, show your love and join David Kilimnick on Facebook

Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah (my article)

Click Here for Link to article- Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Based on my extensive research attending Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, I bring you the essentials of what you have to do to run a successful Bar Mitzvah party. It is not a weekend. It is the Bar Mitzvah party month. So be prepared…

Regarding the speech – Mom get ready to write it.

Trip to Israel

Today, you must take the kid to Israel to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah. In addition to the party, this ensures that the parents must go broke. This is mandatory.

If you live in Israel, you have to take your boy to the Kotel, to pay for another breakfast for 80 people. This includes the random guy at the Kotel who you got in a fight with over who the Torah holding table belongs to.

Picture Montage

You obviously need a slideshow of your child but more importantly, to show everybody in your community all the vacations you went on, so that your friends understand why you can’t afford to pay full tuition for Jewish Day School.

The slideshow must include all pictures from the child’s life in no specific order. Let Windows do the organizational work. The montage must then be played to some kind of soft rock song from the 1980s. “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics must be in the mix. And then you are must play “Happy” to truly work the emotions of the people who are not watching and don’t care about that vacation with Bubbie.

After a half hour of family, throw in pictures of each of the 300 guests, including your child’s friends so that they can get excited for a minute. If you must, go into the shul archives for community pictures.

Friends Must Do a Presentation

It is important that these kids are extremely disorganized. That is an integral part of the presentation. Make sure that kids from their class sing a song that rhymes “cool” with “school.” Optimal lyrics are, “He is so cool, he does well in school.” This is a big crowd pleaser.

Bat Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it.

Bar Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it. The tradition is to allow the young man to work on it. You are supposed to remind him every day and he is supposed to say that he is working on it, while he is on the PlayStation. A week before the Bar Mitzvah, act surprised and get extremely angry and force him to write the speech that you end up writing.

Tell the Child to Read Louder

Do this in front of everybody. Do not work on this at home. Wait till he is at the party and standing in front of 300 people, including every teacher he has ever had. This way he can also feel like he is being judged for his reading skills.

Speeches

Not everyone is sleeping yet so at this point, speeches must be given by everybody. The parents, grandparents, cousins, and anybody else who is not entertaining.

Topic of the speech that you give as the parent should have something to do with child growing up, who they are named after and how hard the birth was.

Invite your friends

The Bar Mitzvah is really for the parents. A successful Bar Mitzvah is when the boy asks why he is there and why there are only four of his friends present. The questions from the Bar Mitzvah boy should be: “Why am I wearing a suit if this is a party for me?” “Who is this guy? My friends are not balding.”

Give Everybody an Honor

Nobody should feel left out. Each of the 300 guests is important. If that takes calling an extra 40 people to the Torah over Shabbat, then so be it. And each guest called to the Torah reserves the right to say an extra private blessing in front of the whole congregation, mentioning each member of his family for five minutes. If they forget a family member’s name, give them another minute.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

Some people do not deserve to get called to the Torah. Have a candle lighting ceremony so that people you do not believe are important also have a chance to have an honor of lighting a candle.

Be creative and dedicate the candles with meaningful words like, “This candle. The candle of summer is going to be lit by...” That will be meaningful to Cousin Jeremy. The more vague the candle, the more poetic the ceremony.

DJ

Need a DJ. No bands. Kids don’t want bands nowadays. Just a guy with a computer. No records. No instruments. A guy who brought a playlist that he found on YouTube. That is the talent. Be ready to spend $2,000 on this guy’s ability to download.

Jewish Dancing Time

Must be done in a circle. A requisite fifteen minutes of Jewish dancing, with at least one hora. This is done before the DJ presses the hip hop button on his computer and all the kids start making everybody uncomfortable with their new dances.

Make a Party Bag

The hundred and twenty dollars you are putting down on the meal for each person is not enough. The kids need the bags. In the bag should be a piece of chocolate and jellybeans, just in case the eight-thousand-dollar dessert table does not satisfy the needs of the young ones.

Have A Camera Man

This way people will smile for a minute. Without the camera man, nobody will be smiling. Remember, you sat them at the table with the people they don’t like.

People at the party should not want to be there. This is why you have the speeches and the slideshow. To make it less enjoyable, you can also turn off the air-conditioning.

Huge Party

Party must be expensive and huge. Those are the only true rules.

Pick a Theme

You have a choice to run the same party that everybody else in his class ran, with the kippahs, DJ, speeches, slideshow, candle lighting ceremony, or you can be unique and have a basketball theme. Remember nothing says welcome to the observance of mitzvot like a cardboard cutout of Lebron James.

Mazal tov!

Passover Food You Need to Buy (as seen in Jewlarious)

Passover Food You Need to Buy (click for link): Buy lots of eggs. Because other than brisket, everything should taste like scrambled eggs.

Passover Food You Need to Buy

by David Kilimnick

Making Pesach, like everything Jewish, is about the food. You will have to get new dishes, pots and don’t forget – bedding - for the people who are coming to stay with you for Pesach because they love you and don’t want to make Pesach for you in their home. Don’t let them down. Break out the Pesach delicacies the traditional way, with good food. Here’s what you will need for your Pesach kitchen:

Raw Ingredients

Anything you have in your cabinet. Buy it again. It is Passover.

Different Kosher for Pesach Mixes

You need matzah balls and other items that are not matzah, such as cake. Your goal is to try to make everything that you make during the year, without the necessary ingredients. That is where Manischewitz and Rokeach come in.

There is nothing like a cake without flour. Literally, nothing like a cake without flour. There is also nothing like pizza without dough. That is what makes Pesach so special. You get to enjoy the awesome food that nobody would ever make during the rest of the year.

Pesach Noodles

Make Pesach feel like any other day during the year, yet special. Cook up the non-Chametz noodles and you’ll have a great dish of noodles that join together into one. It will taste just like farina.

Eggs

Everything on Pesach, other than brisket, should taste like scrambled eggs. Throw in enough eggs and you will love it. Matzah Brei with enough eggs doesn’t even taste like matzah. And yet, it is Pesach in your mouth.

30 Boxes of Matzah

You always want to make sure that you have a good ten to twenty boxes left over, after Pesach.

Pesach is the perfect chance for the Matzah Cleanse Diet, where you put on twelve pounds. Thank you, matzah.

Brisket

It’s a Jewish holiday.

Try Going Gluten Free

This is your chance, and nobody will hate you for it. Please be advised: you will lose no weight (see: Matzah Cleanse Diet above).

Butter & Salt

You need salt on the butter for the matzah to taste decent. That is the recipe.

Temp Tee Cream Cheese

That is tradition right here. It still amazes me that we don’t use this during the year. It took Philadelphia years to figure out that in order to spread cream cheese it is necessary to whip it. Even if it were kosher for Passover I would advise you not to buy the old-style Philadelphia block. You would be left with matzah crumbs. And a gerbil looking thing of matzah on the knife, with the cream cheese you can’t get off. That old-style Philadelphia stuff even rips bread. I am still trying to figure out what it can be used for, other than breaking plastic knives.

Grape Juice

There is only so much sugary wine one person can handle, am I right? One cup, maybe two cups, you can be strong. But by the fourth cup – let’s just say you better have some grape juice on standby.

Coke

Now is the time to get it. Non-Jewish people also like coke with sugar.

Jello, Coffee Cake…

Check what they are eating in the senior citizens home. That is what you get on Passover. Borscht, schav and herring all work. When it comes to Pesach, they knew what they were doing in Eastern Europe.

Older people are always ready for Pesach. They are devout. That is why gefilte fish becomes a staple when you age. It is kosher for Pesach.

The older you get, the more you try to avoid hard stuff. Cleaning for Pesach can be a very tedious task. Therefore, they make sure that their cuisine is always kosher for Pesach.

Dr. Brown’s

This is the drink company you must buy from.

Do not purchase regular drinks. Make sure your Pesach drink is something that no child has heard of, or is willing to taste. Cel-Ray is perfect. If it sounds like a vegetable, the kids will stay away from it, along with the matzah and all the other Pesach food.

Kosher Symbol for Passover

Buy it. If you are living outside of Israel and New York City, buy anything with a kosher for Passover symbol as soon as you can because it will be gone. Three months in advance, that is the time to pick it up. The Jews get to that stuff real quick. Especially because all Pesach food has a fifteen-year expiration on it. Right now might be too late for this year, but you can definitely find stuff for Pesach 2020.

Anything with a Kosher symbol for Pesach is what you buy. It makes no difference. Don’t take chances. When you are starving and can’t find a kosher for Pesach bag of chips, at least you have the sardines.

Happy Kosher for Passover to all of you – especially the ones who have family coming who aren’t chipping in for the food!

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand- My Message to Rabbis to use easier English or Hebrew (as seen on Aish's Jewlarious)

click here for Jewlarious link- Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

by David Kilimnick

Another Sermon I did Not Understand: The conspiracy of words used by Rabbis

I’ve always had trouble understanding the Rabbi’s sermon in shul. Not because of the Hebrew. Because of the English words translated from Hebrew. My whole life, I learned about Noah and the flood – a “mabool” in Hebrew. But recently I heard a Rabbi talking about a “deluge.” What is that? My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language but I was stuck.

‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

Why do Rabbis translate Hebrew words into English that are harder to understand than the Hebrew itself? This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton…

Here are some of my memoires of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis.

A Childhood of Confusion

It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve being sent to the quorum? I wasn’t sure what it was, but I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then the Rabbi threatened to pull out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ The class was shocked by my protest, wondering why a student who loved his Jewishness didn’t want to join in the prayers.

Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I knew what Tefillin were. They are the straps and box that go on the arm and above the forehead. In front of the whole class, the rabbi started going off on a rant about wrapping expensive boxes called ‘phylacteries.’ I had to ask why anybody would spend over $500 on a Bar Mitzvah gift that was so small. Finally one of the brighter kids in the class figured out the Rabbi was talking about Tefillin. It was at that point that I requested from my Rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good.

Sermons I Didn’t Understand

The title of the Rabbi’s sermon was, ‘Exegesis from the book of Leviticus in the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I fell asleep right away. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying.

It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to God, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. Why couldn’t he focus on the topic at hand? Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have mentioned Ecclesiastes. So off topic.

I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English.

I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that the only way that I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes was if I was a botanist.

Lost in the Service

Until the Musaf service on Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when the rabbi started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into a silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players.

Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. I had no idea why a random guy was coming over to me, so somebody explained to me that he is the sexton. I was bewildered. The congregation began to get frustrated, as they were all waiting to return the Torah the ark. I wasn’t about to pull open the curtain, just because a random guy told me to do something. What kind of a congregation has random people making decisions for them?! If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark!

The rabbi then went on with his imprecations, which he called his exegesis. This lead to added confusion for me, as he hurled out more English about the countenance and the firmament.

All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. Even though I was confused the whole time.

My Message to American Rabbis

If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use modern English words. Let’s move away from the Shakespearian English. English the congregants can identify. Not Macbeth English that only my English Lit professor can’t recognize.

Rabbis, you have rabbinical conventions. Address the issues of our people. Don’t sit around creating words and then calling them English. And you’ve created some interesting words: quorum, ecclesiastics, sexton, beadle, legumes, firmament. I understand it is fun for you to create a language, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew.

I am sorry. Maybe If I had read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I was born in Britain, or maybe if I grew up in the 1500s.

I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been an inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge.

Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton.

'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live ('The Honest Rabbi' Ep1)

Click here for Link to 'Candies are Jewish Education' Radio Show

'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live
'The Honest Rabbi' Ep1
Radio show discussing Jewish traditions and issues in the greater world
Today's episode we deal with the importance of candy in Jewish tradition and the raising of decent out of shape good Jewish souls, and Paskesz...Parents are killing Chinuch (Jewish Education), not letting their children eat candy, even when these millenials allow their children to make their own decisions about everything else.

***To share more laughter and perspective from Jerusalem, like my page David Kilimnick comedian דוד קילימניק הסטנדאפיסט
David would love to share more laughs with you at Jerusalem's Off The Wall Comedy Basement - מרתף הצחוק every Thursday in English, and Wednesday in Hebrew. David may also be hired for private events, tour groups, simchas and poetry readings.
www.davidkilimnick.com

#lovejewish #jewishtradition #jewishhumor

Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night (as seen on Jewlarious)

Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night: Eating cheese blintzes, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

by David Kilimnick

by David Kilimnick

The two main traditions of the holiday of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Leil Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.

The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

It’s no easy feat so allow me share some of the methods that I have used over the years to stay awake on Shavuot:

-EAT A LONG MEAL

Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours before morning services. You could spend all of that time learning Torah, but I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class.

Eating and enjoyment on the holiday is also a Mitzvah so I suggest a marathon meal that continues until as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For leftover food that may be a bit stale, I was chewing up to 80 times.

-STUFF BLINTZES

Don’t just eat. Eat food that is stuffed into other food, otherwise known as blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken and brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus.

-SHOW UP 20 MINUTES LATE TO CLASS

A Torah class is going to happen with or without you. So do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late.

If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes.

That trick got me fired. So do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 GPA my sophomore year in college.

-WALK

Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that will ensure you will not sweat. Therefore, it is not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday.

-DRINK COFFEE

I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It is more fun.

Ritalin seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that some local children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community.

Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form.

-BRING YOUR CHILDREN

They keep you up when you are trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon…If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you are about to fall asleep, they will make sure you don’t. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.

Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.

-BOARD GAMES

Play Jewish oriented games and it is like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: ‘Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer?’ ‘Run for Shabbos.’ ‘Settlers of Judea & Samaria.’

-HAVE A FRIEND SMACK YOU

If you go to the Torah class, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. It’s just the truth. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit him back but he’s actually doing you a huge favor because he is saving you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.

-TALK TO PEOPLE

Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring, I would have fallen asleep.

We have to receive the Torah together. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the class, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday.

-MEET A POTENTIAL SPOUSE

If you are single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to go to Shul and not learn.

If you see the women going to a class, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Do not ask any questions. Even sleep deprived people realize levels of dumb.


-DO NOT LEARN TORAH

If you learn, you will definitely fall asleep.