Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah (my article)

Click Here for Link to article- Tips on Planning a Successful Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Based on my extensive research attending Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, I bring you the essentials of what you have to do to run a successful Bar Mitzvah party. It is not a weekend. It is the Bar Mitzvah party month. So be prepared…

Regarding the speech – Mom get ready to write it.

Trip to Israel

Today, you must take the kid to Israel to celebrate his Bar Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah. In addition to the party, this ensures that the parents must go broke. This is mandatory.

If you live in Israel, you have to take your boy to the Kotel, to pay for another breakfast for 80 people. This includes the random guy at the Kotel who you got in a fight with over who the Torah holding table belongs to.

Picture Montage

You obviously need a slideshow of your child but more importantly, to show everybody in your community all the vacations you went on, so that your friends understand why you can’t afford to pay full tuition for Jewish Day School.

The slideshow must include all pictures from the child’s life in no specific order. Let Windows do the organizational work. The montage must then be played to some kind of soft rock song from the 1980s. “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics must be in the mix. And then you are must play “Happy” to truly work the emotions of the people who are not watching and don’t care about that vacation with Bubbie.

After a half hour of family, throw in pictures of each of the 300 guests, including your child’s friends so that they can get excited for a minute. If you must, go into the shul archives for community pictures.

Friends Must Do a Presentation

It is important that these kids are extremely disorganized. That is an integral part of the presentation. Make sure that kids from their class sing a song that rhymes “cool” with “school.” Optimal lyrics are, “He is so cool, he does well in school.” This is a big crowd pleaser.

Bat Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it.

Bar Mitzvah’s Speech

Mom must write it. The tradition is to allow the young man to work on it. You are supposed to remind him every day and he is supposed to say that he is working on it, while he is on the PlayStation. A week before the Bar Mitzvah, act surprised and get extremely angry and force him to write the speech that you end up writing.

Tell the Child to Read Louder

Do this in front of everybody. Do not work on this at home. Wait till he is at the party and standing in front of 300 people, including every teacher he has ever had. This way he can also feel like he is being judged for his reading skills.

Speeches

Not everyone is sleeping yet so at this point, speeches must be given by everybody. The parents, grandparents, cousins, and anybody else who is not entertaining.

Topic of the speech that you give as the parent should have something to do with child growing up, who they are named after and how hard the birth was.

Invite your friends

The Bar Mitzvah is really for the parents. A successful Bar Mitzvah is when the boy asks why he is there and why there are only four of his friends present. The questions from the Bar Mitzvah boy should be: “Why am I wearing a suit if this is a party for me?” “Who is this guy? My friends are not balding.”

Give Everybody an Honor

Nobody should feel left out. Each of the 300 guests is important. If that takes calling an extra 40 people to the Torah over Shabbat, then so be it. And each guest called to the Torah reserves the right to say an extra private blessing in front of the whole congregation, mentioning each member of his family for five minutes. If they forget a family member’s name, give them another minute.

Candle Lighting Ceremony

Some people do not deserve to get called to the Torah. Have a candle lighting ceremony so that people you do not believe are important also have a chance to have an honor of lighting a candle.

Be creative and dedicate the candles with meaningful words like, “This candle. The candle of summer is going to be lit by...” That will be meaningful to Cousin Jeremy. The more vague the candle, the more poetic the ceremony.

DJ

Need a DJ. No bands. Kids don’t want bands nowadays. Just a guy with a computer. No records. No instruments. A guy who brought a playlist that he found on YouTube. That is the talent. Be ready to spend $2,000 on this guy’s ability to download.

Jewish Dancing Time

Must be done in a circle. A requisite fifteen minutes of Jewish dancing, with at least one hora. This is done before the DJ presses the hip hop button on his computer and all the kids start making everybody uncomfortable with their new dances.

Make a Party Bag

The hundred and twenty dollars you are putting down on the meal for each person is not enough. The kids need the bags. In the bag should be a piece of chocolate and jellybeans, just in case the eight-thousand-dollar dessert table does not satisfy the needs of the young ones.

Have A Camera Man

This way people will smile for a minute. Without the camera man, nobody will be smiling. Remember, you sat them at the table with the people they don’t like.

People at the party should not want to be there. This is why you have the speeches and the slideshow. To make it less enjoyable, you can also turn off the air-conditioning.

Huge Party

Party must be expensive and huge. Those are the only true rules.

Pick a Theme

You have a choice to run the same party that everybody else in his class ran, with the kippahs, DJ, speeches, slideshow, candle lighting ceremony, or you can be unique and have a basketball theme. Remember nothing says welcome to the observance of mitzvot like a cardboard cutout of Lebron James.

Mazal tov!

Passover Food You Need to Buy (as seen in Jewlarious)

Passover Food You Need to Buy (click for link): Buy lots of eggs. Because other than brisket, everything should taste like scrambled eggs.

Passover Food You Need to Buy

by David Kilimnick

Making Pesach, like everything Jewish, is about the food. You will have to get new dishes, pots and don’t forget – bedding - for the people who are coming to stay with you for Pesach because they love you and don’t want to make Pesach for you in their home. Don’t let them down. Break out the Pesach delicacies the traditional way, with good food. Here’s what you will need for your Pesach kitchen:

Raw Ingredients

Anything you have in your cabinet. Buy it again. It is Passover.

Different Kosher for Pesach Mixes

You need matzah balls and other items that are not matzah, such as cake. Your goal is to try to make everything that you make during the year, without the necessary ingredients. That is where Manischewitz and Rokeach come in.

There is nothing like a cake without flour. Literally, nothing like a cake without flour. There is also nothing like pizza without dough. That is what makes Pesach so special. You get to enjoy the awesome food that nobody would ever make during the rest of the year.

Pesach Noodles

Make Pesach feel like any other day during the year, yet special. Cook up the non-Chametz noodles and you’ll have a great dish of noodles that join together into one. It will taste just like farina.

Eggs

Everything on Pesach, other than brisket, should taste like scrambled eggs. Throw in enough eggs and you will love it. Matzah Brei with enough eggs doesn’t even taste like matzah. And yet, it is Pesach in your mouth.

30 Boxes of Matzah

You always want to make sure that you have a good ten to twenty boxes left over, after Pesach.

Pesach is the perfect chance for the Matzah Cleanse Diet, where you put on twelve pounds. Thank you, matzah.

Brisket

It’s a Jewish holiday.

Try Going Gluten Free

This is your chance, and nobody will hate you for it. Please be advised: you will lose no weight (see: Matzah Cleanse Diet above).

Butter & Salt

You need salt on the butter for the matzah to taste decent. That is the recipe.

Temp Tee Cream Cheese

That is tradition right here. It still amazes me that we don’t use this during the year. It took Philadelphia years to figure out that in order to spread cream cheese it is necessary to whip it. Even if it were kosher for Passover I would advise you not to buy the old-style Philadelphia block. You would be left with matzah crumbs. And a gerbil looking thing of matzah on the knife, with the cream cheese you can’t get off. That old-style Philadelphia stuff even rips bread. I am still trying to figure out what it can be used for, other than breaking plastic knives.

Grape Juice

There is only so much sugary wine one person can handle, am I right? One cup, maybe two cups, you can be strong. But by the fourth cup – let’s just say you better have some grape juice on standby.

Coke

Now is the time to get it. Non-Jewish people also like coke with sugar.

Jello, Coffee Cake…

Check what they are eating in the senior citizens home. That is what you get on Passover. Borscht, schav and herring all work. When it comes to Pesach, they knew what they were doing in Eastern Europe.

Older people are always ready for Pesach. They are devout. That is why gefilte fish becomes a staple when you age. It is kosher for Pesach.

The older you get, the more you try to avoid hard stuff. Cleaning for Pesach can be a very tedious task. Therefore, they make sure that their cuisine is always kosher for Pesach.

Dr. Brown’s

This is the drink company you must buy from.

Do not purchase regular drinks. Make sure your Pesach drink is something that no child has heard of, or is willing to taste. Cel-Ray is perfect. If it sounds like a vegetable, the kids will stay away from it, along with the matzah and all the other Pesach food.

Kosher Symbol for Passover

Buy it. If you are living outside of Israel and New York City, buy anything with a kosher for Passover symbol as soon as you can because it will be gone. Three months in advance, that is the time to pick it up. The Jews get to that stuff real quick. Especially because all Pesach food has a fifteen-year expiration on it. Right now might be too late for this year, but you can definitely find stuff for Pesach 2020.

Anything with a Kosher symbol for Pesach is what you buy. It makes no difference. Don’t take chances. When you are starving and can’t find a kosher for Pesach bag of chips, at least you have the sardines.

Happy Kosher for Passover to all of you – especially the ones who have family coming who aren’t chipping in for the food!

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand- My Message to Rabbis to use easier English or Hebrew (as seen on Aish's Jewlarious)

click here for Jewlarious link- Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

Rabbi Words I Don’t Understand

by David Kilimnick

Another Sermon I did Not Understand: The conspiracy of words used by Rabbis

I’ve always had trouble understanding the Rabbi’s sermon in shul. Not because of the Hebrew. Because of the English words translated from Hebrew. My whole life, I learned about Noah and the flood – a “mabool” in Hebrew. But recently I heard a Rabbi talking about a “deluge.” What is that? My British friend was applauding the brilliant use of the language but I was stuck.

‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

Why do Rabbis translate Hebrew words into English that are harder to understand than the Hebrew itself? This language of Pentateuch, imprecations, deluge, legumes, firmament, countenance, invoke, Ecclesiastes, sexton…

Here are some of my memoires of times I didn’t understand and hardships with the English of American rabbis.

A Childhood of Confusion

It was around the time of my Bar Mitzvah when the rabbi sprung a word on me I had never heard before. He said, ‘The synagogue is going to need you for a quorum.’ I thought I was being punished. What did I do to deserve being sent to the quorum? I wasn’t sure what it was, but I didn’t want anything to do with it. I protested, and then the Rabbi threatened to pull out what he called ‘phylacteries.’ The class was shocked by my protest, wondering why a student who loved his Jewishness didn’t want to join in the prayers.

Growing up, I never knew what phylacteries were. I knew what Tefillin were. They are the straps and box that go on the arm and above the forehead. In front of the whole class, the rabbi started going off on a rant about wrapping expensive boxes called ‘phylacteries.’ I had to ask why anybody would spend over $500 on a Bar Mitzvah gift that was so small. Finally one of the brighter kids in the class figured out the Rabbi was talking about Tefillin. It was at that point that I requested from my Rabbi, ‘Please translate the English back into Hebrew, so that I can understand.’

My rabbi got mad at me, and said, ‘Throw a Yarmulke on your head.’ All I had was a Kippah. So I put that on my head, and all was good.

Sermons I Didn’t Understand

The title of the Rabbi’s sermon was, ‘Exegesis from the book of Leviticus in the Pentateuch.’ I didn’t even understand the title of that speech. I fell asleep right away. I was waiting for a sermon from the book of Vayikra from the Torah. After his speech, I said ‘Yasher Koyach,’ to congratulate him on his understanding of the English language. I didn’t wish him ‘felicitations,’ as I wanted him to understand what I was saying.

It was on Sukkot that we started reading King Solomon’s Kohelet, and I was beginning to feel a strong connection to God, when the rabbi started talking about Ecclesiastes. Why couldn’t he focus on the topic at hand? Kohelet is a beautiful book. He should have mentioned Ecclesiastes. So off topic.

I am not Greek and I have always made it a point to stay away from what he called the Septuagint. To make matters worse, the rabbi decided to throw in this new idea of calling Sukkot, the Holiday of Tabernacles. Again, I didn’t understand a word of his sermon, as I am American and his speech was in English.

I am not the wisest of all men. I am not King Solomon. All I know is that the only way that I would have understood his Passover sermon about legumes was if I was a botanist.

Lost in the Service

Until the Musaf service on Shabbat, all was fine at shul. The issue began when the rabbi started with this prayer in English, for the United States. ‘He Who grants salvation and dominion to rulers…’ Salvation means redemption or liberation. If somebody would have told me that, I would have said ‘Amen.’ Instead, it turned into a silent protest against the country. Some people accused me of siding with the football players.

Then, somebody they called the ‘beadle’ came over to me to ask me to open the ark. I had no idea why a random guy was coming over to me, so somebody explained to me that he is the sexton. I was bewildered. The congregation began to get frustrated, as they were all waiting to return the Torah the ark. I wasn’t about to pull open the curtain, just because a random guy told me to do something. What kind of a congregation has random people making decisions for them?! If the Gabai had come over to me, I would’ve definitely ran to open the ark!

The rabbi then went on with his imprecations, which he called his exegesis. This lead to added confusion for me, as he hurled out more English about the countenance and the firmament.

All I know is that penitent means to look serious. I was able to do that throughout the service. Even though I was confused the whole time.

My Message to American Rabbis

If you insist on giving Sermons in English, then use modern English words. Let’s move away from the Shakespearian English. English the congregants can identify. Not Macbeth English that only my English Lit professor can’t recognize.

Rabbis, you have rabbinical conventions. Address the issues of our people. Don’t sit around creating words and then calling them English. And you’ve created some interesting words: quorum, ecclesiastics, sexton, beadle, legumes, firmament. I understand it is fun for you to create a language, but maybe keep the Hebrew in Hebrew.

I am sorry. Maybe If I had read more as a kid, I would’ve understood more of what the rabbis are saying in their exegeses. Maybe if I was born in Britain, or maybe if I grew up in the 1500s.

I want to thank all of the rabbis who’ve taught me how to wrap my phylacteries, put on my tassels, place my yarmulke. You have been an inspiration. Because of your exegeses and pedagogy, I have the ability to pass on imprecations. I now see the firmament, and invoke every day for rain in Israel, but no deluge.

Sorry for this rant. I didn’t mean to take it out on the sexton.

'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live ('The Honest Rabbi' Ep1)

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'Candies Are Jewish Education'- David Kilimnick Live
'The Honest Rabbi' Ep1
Radio show discussing Jewish traditions and issues in the greater world
Today's episode we deal with the importance of candy in Jewish tradition and the raising of decent out of shape good Jewish souls, and Paskesz...Parents are killing Chinuch (Jewish Education), not letting their children eat candy, even when these millenials allow their children to make their own decisions about everything else.

***To share more laughter and perspective from Jerusalem, like my page David Kilimnick comedian דוד קילימניק הסטנדאפיסט
David would love to share more laughs with you at Jerusalem's Off The Wall Comedy Basement - מרתף הצחוק every Thursday in English, and Wednesday in Hebrew. David may also be hired for private events, tour groups, simchas and poetry readings.
www.davidkilimnick.com

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Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night (as seen on Jewlarious)

Shavuot Tips for Staying Up All Night: Eating cheese blintzes, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

by David Kilimnick

by David Kilimnick

The two main traditions of the holiday of Shavuot are learning Torah and eating blintzes. Preparation for the receiving of the Torah and eating dairy in rolled up crepe form, are holiday requirements. Known as Tikun Leil Shavuot, it is an atonement for us falling asleep before receiving the Torah in the desert.

The eating, I can do. But staying up all night, past sunrise?

It’s no easy feat so allow me share some of the methods that I have used over the years to stay awake on Shavuot:

-EAT A LONG MEAL

Most people end their meals at around 10pm. They are stuck with a good six to seven hours before morning services. You could spend all of that time learning Torah, but I haven’t studied anything for six hours since my last college exam; and that was because I never showed up to class.

Eating and enjoyment on the holiday is also a Mitzvah so I suggest a marathon meal that continues until as close to sunrise as possible. You can accomplish this by chewing. Many suggest 18 chews before swallowing, corresponding with the Hebrew word ‘Chai,’ meaning life. I just came up with that, but it sounds really good. To extend my meal, I was chewing well over 40 times. For leftover food that may be a bit stale, I was chewing up to 80 times.

-STUFF BLINTZES

Don’t just eat. Eat food that is stuffed into other food, otherwise known as blintzes. Fill them with cheese. Fill them with cottage cheese. Fill them with feta cheese. There are hundreds of kinds of cheeses. Blintzes can also be stuffed with fruit, chocolate, potatoes, chicken and brisket. Make an activity of it, and you will pass the night learning how to fill your blintzes. Filling blintzes with different berries is a good hour and a half right there. If you want, cheese can be the night’s filling focus.

-SHOW UP 20 MINUTES LATE TO CLASS

A Torah class is going to happen with or without you. So do not feel bad if you disrupt the class by showing up late.

If you show up 20 minutes late, looking exhausted, everybody will think you just came from doing something important, like filling blintzes.

That trick got me fired. So do not do that at your job. This trick also got me a 1.7 GPA my sophomore year in college.

-WALK

Go for a shpatzeer. A shpatzeer is a slow and steady walk, at a pace that will ensure you will not sweat. Therefore, it is not exercise and a religious thing to do on a holiday.

-DRINK COFFEE

I would suggest a slushee mochaccino. It is more fun.

Ritalin seems to be an excellent stimulant. Chances are that some local children have it. Take the Ritalin and follow my methods of staying up all night, and you will fit right in with the academic community.

Warning: Ritalin may be addictive. Try to load up on coffee and cola instead. Caffeine is more socially acceptable. So, stick to mochaccino until you can find Ritalin in drink form.

-BRING YOUR CHILDREN

They keep you up when you are trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon…If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you are about to fall asleep, they will make sure you don’t. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you.

Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat.

-BOARD GAMES

Play Jewish oriented games and it is like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: ‘Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer?’ ‘Run for Shabbos.’ ‘Settlers of Judea & Samaria.’

-HAVE A FRIEND SMACK YOU

If you go to the Torah class, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. It’s just the truth. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit him back but he’s actually doing you a huge favor because he is saving you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public.

-TALK TO PEOPLE

Best to do this in the Shiur. If I wasn’t talking and snoring, I would have fallen asleep.

We have to receive the Torah together. For that reason, talking to people is like learning. Anybody who shushes you, because they want to listen to the class, doesn’t understand the spirit of the holiday.

-MEET A POTENTIAL SPOUSE

If you are single, this is your chance to get somebody to like you. When people are tired, judgment may be impaired. This is why Shavuot in big cities is used by single people to go to Shul and not learn.

If you see the women going to a class, then you go to the class. Act interested and they may think you know something, and you might have a Shidduch. Do not ask any questions. Even sleep deprived people realize levels of dumb.


-DO NOT LEARN TORAH

If you learn, you will definitely fall asleep.

Purim Carnival Booth Ideas- Memories as seen on Jewlarious

Purim Carnival Booth Ideas: Here are the best Purim carnival booth ideas I remember from my childhood.

by David Kilimnick

The Purim carnival, mastered by JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is central to a family’s Purim celebration. My fondest memories of Purim as a child are from these carnivals – those magical places that were like amusement parks except with no electricity and staffed by members of my shul.

If you want to run a Purim carnival this year, you will need booths. Here are some of the best booth ideas that I remember from my childhood:

THROWING STUFF BOOTHS

-The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth

This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8^th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Make Haman’s Face Wet Booth.’ Nobody wants a wet face. That, along with the grogger, shows anger at Haman.

I am happy that they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. Some of the tiny children even brought chairs, so they could reach the bullseye with their hands.

-Sock Throw

Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child.

This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water. Not very creative, but kids do like seeing others get hurt. People can get carried away with the idea of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks or canes near your Haman. My JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a man took his cane and started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week.

-Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe

Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is a great way to make Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle.

HEAD SPORTS

Anything where the hands are not used is fun and challenging, except for soccer.

-The Apple Bob Booth

You take a huge big bucket of water and place apples in it. This ancient tradition, also known as the first ever recreational activity, keeps children occupied for days. Nobody has ever been able to bite into an apple placed in water, without something pushing on the other side. Adults can maneuver the apple against the side of the bucket while standing. The only way for a kid to get the apple in the mouth is to fall in. The cold water is shocking to the nervous system, and thus fun for parents to watch.

Being that Purim is for the kids, if you want to make it easier for them, you can make a Plum Bob Booth. Do not use dried plums; as much as you are looking to get rid of your Tu BShvat leftovers. Instead, you should place the plums in the Mishloach Manot (the gifts we give to each other on Purim), along with all of the other stuff you don’t like; such as poppy seed Hamentash that you bought by accident.

-The Egg on a Spoon Race

This is not about speed. This is about balancing an egg on a spoon, in your mouth, and that takes skill. The sack race is also much fun and almost impossible, but you can use your hands and there is no throwing, and it is thus not a carnival game.

For more challenging no hand events, you can have an egg on a spoon long jump. You can also try the egg on the spoon dive. Even though hands are involved, the egg on a spoon poll vault is a crowd-pleaser. The egg on a spoon sack race is a great way to make it impossible for anybody to finish.

-Find the Beans

The idea of this booth is to find jelly beans that are mixed in with flour. You can call this the ‘Cleaning for Pesach’ game, as this is the closest your children will come to helping you clean anything that might become leaven.

Like in the Apple Bob, there is no using of the hands. The key to all of these games is to build the child’s immune system. By running his face in flour, and picking out jelly beans that have been licked by the previous children, your kid will be ready to go back to the Apple Bob and overcome the lice from the other child’s hair, who fell into the bucket.

RANDOM OTHER BOOTH IDEAS

There are many more ideas you can use to bring home the fun, before the children enter the prize booth.

-Miniature Golf with a Cup

One of the biggest challenges with miniature golf for Purim carnivals are the obstacles. So get rid of the windmills, get rid of the angled corners, get rid of the holes, and you have a fun game.

-Haunted House

Take a regular home and add people yelling at the participants. My cousin’s house works for this. Everybody gets kind of frightened when they shout at their kids. You can call this ‘Haman’s House.’ Haman is what my cousin’s kids call their dad.

-Face Painting with Face Paint

Make sure to purchase the paint that says ‘face paint.’ At the local carnival, they used oil paint. That was not good. Oil paint does no come off in the Apple Bob bucket.

-Haman Sock Puppet Booth

Growing up we had a Haman’s Sock Puppet booth. The director of the JCC pulled out a bag of his old socks. He said the holes were Haman’s mouth. Haman did not smell good, nor did he use fabric softener.

These are just a few of the amazing booths we had, growing up. Be creative. Happy Purim!

Shul Culture for Beginners (my article as seen on Jewlarious)

Click here to see my article on Jewlarious Shul Culture for Beginners: Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur. Here are my tips on the other stuff.

Shul Culture for Beginners

Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur. Here are my tips on the other stuff.

by David Kilimnick

Not everything that happens in shul is in the siddur (prayer book). Like the Kiddush for example! What’s a newcomer to this strange social gathering to do? Last time, I gave you my tips on how to fit in during services, but this time we’ll focus on the other stuff like what to wear and how to get good positioning at the Kiddush.

-Leave a Nice Pair of Shoes in Shul

How do women walk to shul in high-heels? I used to wonder that. Until I found out that they don’t. They leave them in shul or carry the high-heels with them in a bag. High-heels are much more comfortable when you carry them. If you leave them at shul, do not worry about somebody stealing your high-heels. They will not be able to run away in them.

-Have a Pair of Walking Shoes HandyThis is what the rest of the world knows as sneakers. Religious people call them walking shoes. They could be running shoes, hi tops, cleats or sneakers. We know them as walking shoes.

-Wear a Coat that is UniqueThe coatroom is packed. Everybody wears a coat to shul when it is cold outside. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked home in a coat similar to mine which is not mine. People become coat stupid when they enter the shul coatroom and their brain tells them, ‘That coat has lapels. My coat had lapels. That coat is mine…no idea how it turned from khaki to green during the prayer services.’ I am left walking home with a khaki jacket and no lapels.
I suggest the “Members Only” jackets. People stopped wearing those in the 1980s. Even though they had lapels, people that wore them will not admit it.

-Make Sure You Bring Tissues for YourselfThis will help when the guy next to you sneezes on you.

-Take a Strong Stance and Do not move from your Spot at the Post Service Snacks, known as KiddushDo not worry about other people getting food. God takes care of those who take care of themselves. God provides for all, but there is only so much herring. Claim your spot at the table and use whatever strength you can muster to push Fran and Bernie out of the way. They will not be scooping any cholent for you. I repeat, do not be afraid to hurt them. As it can get physical, you might want to put on your walking shoes for Kiddush.

-Bring Wicker Basket CoversThey are not just good for keeping bread clean, they also cover a woman’s head during services. Seeing the breadbasket covers makes everybody hungry for Kiddush.

-Bring Your Own Kippah & TalisYou do not want to find yourself pulling out a head covering from the Yarmulke bucket. That is an immediate giveaway that you are the non-religious relative of the Bar Mitzvah boy who parked a block away. You also don’t want to wrap yourself in a public Talis. The public Talises only come in scarf form. If you are French and you wrap your scarf for style, then I understand.
The Yarmulke bucket is a lost-n-found of Kippas that were found 45 years ago. Based on my studies of Yarmulke buckets and some of the psychedelic looking Kippas, it is apparent that people used their Yarmulkes as safety reflectors when walking home at night. There were less street lights back in the 70s. I am not sure if they were Conversos, hiding their religious artifacts, but they used all of their Judaica for multiple purposes. They also used their Talises when it was cold, in the winter.

-When the Rabbi is Talking, Go to SleepThis is a very important Jewish tradition practiced by all members of the shul board. This is why it is customary for many congregants to wear suit jackets. They double as a blanket while the rabbi is speaking. It is also more comfortable to wear your walking shoes during this part of the service. A Talis bag, if thick enough, can also be used as a pillow.
If you can’t fall asleep, reading while the rabbi is talking is another acceptable way to show the rabbi that you do not respect him.

-Say You Will Give MoneyIf they offer you an envelope with the shul’s address on it, take it. They are useful. If you cross off the shul’s address, you can use the envelope to send a letter to somebody you care about.
I cannot tell you how many people in my father’s synagogue still owe dues from the 1980s. Even when these people get honored, they don’t pay their pledges. I can’t figure out why they are flipping the numbers with the donation dollar signs on the appeal cards during Yom Kippur. It is as if they are saying, ‘If I were to ever pay my dues and give money to the memorial chapel, this is how much I would give.’

-Do Not Be Taken Aback by the Thermometer on the Outside of the ShulThe synagogue is not sick. The community is trying to raise money.

-Do Not Feel Bad About What the Rabbi SaysIf you are awake for the sermon, the rabbi is going to try to make you feel guilty about something. Forget about it and do not help out with the weekday services. If the rabbi tells you that it is forbidden to speak gossip, keep on telling everybody about your annoying friend. This way, you will have something to say at Kiddush. Do not let the rabbi intrude on your quality of living. The guy sleeping in shul has been showing up for a good 40 years, and he hasn’t allowed for the rabbi to get to him either. He is relaxed, sitting in shul in his walking shoes. He also hasn’t paid his dues.