YOM KIPPUR: Your Seat

Make sure you purchase a seat in shule. You do not want to be the outcast, sitting in the free 'I didn't prepare for the holidays' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

People show up on these days. Something about life and death makes people feel religious. Non-religious heretics don't even think about how much more comfortable it is to show up on Shabbat. An average Shabbat, you can get a good three seats, to yourself. Good buffer space. It is the same people that all decide that leaving work at 5pm is a good idea.

It might be Yom Kippur, but you do not give up your seat for anybody.You give that up, it shows total weakness, a lack of frum pride. On Yom Kippur, you are even allowed to publicly reprimand an individual who sits in your seat in shule. This is known as your makom kavuah (your fixed seat, you heretic who always lost at musical chairs). First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your 'prayer shawl' with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works at your makom kavuah.

Discomfort and pain is the goal of Teshuva (repentance, you heretic who is still letting your siddur hang over the seat in front of you). H' is looking down, saying, 'They were just in shule for 12 hours. 80 hours over the last week and half, reading words they don't understand. The Chazan was naynaynaying every tune. The cantor even sung songs that he didn't even know. Bought the machzor that translates Hebrew into Hebrew. Been religious all year. No fun at all. They sat through the two hour Kol Nidrei paragraph, they are forgiven.'

That is why the chazan goes on for 5 hours, for Shaharit (morning service, you heretic who showed up at noon,thinking you were going to catch kiddush), which takes 20 minutes to read, at home. All part of Teshuva

Shules make it their goal to help with this pain. Hence, you will notice the chazan going off on notes for extended periods of time, to frustrate you. Now, the seats are tiny. 

Seats in shule- Aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket. If you are a half a person, you can fit in with your foot over the armrest. They tried very hard to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half.

If you are sitting at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45 degree angle for the fifteen hour service, and be comfortable.

The optimal discomfort would be on a plane. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, 

Made to be as uncomfortable as possible. In Israel they give you the siddur shtender area (book holder- you apikores who reads paperback books that you can read with one hand). They even recently started making the shtender just small enough, so the guys machzor is smacking my head all of davening (Machzor is the prayerbook, siddur, for the High Holidays, you heathen who thinks davening is not prayer with more movement). Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. Then I kicked him. He wasn't in my makom kavuah, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the day of atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I feel like I did real Teshuva. 

I took the guy's siddur/machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all sifrei kodesh (holy books, you sifarim reading picture pop up book apikores) were hardcover. It is due to this experience that I now feel closer to the holy word of H.'

According to the Rambam, repentance is about saying 'I will never do it again.' At the base of repentance is pain and lying. You must fully accept that anything you enjoyed is something you will never do again. The only things that were not painful this past year, you promise to stay away from. This coming year, you vow to only do things that doing make you happy. This is usually why people repent on their death bed, as it is the only time they can honestly say, 'I will never do it again.'

Even though it may show a bit too much care, being that it is the High Holidays, you can show a little care for your fellow Jews, suffering for the day. 

Armrest? Share it. Midos (positive attributes, unlike your pronouncing it Midot, you apikoret)? That is not going to happen. You cannot depend on your fellow Jew to be of a giving soul on Yom Kippur. S/he is still trying to figure out how to screw over your business. They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. This is a time for real atonement. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Work with your fellow human being. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do Teshuva, like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Go for some resolution that makes a difference. 

Plastic seat area is can also be painful, even if you do have some movement ability. Everybody is vying for a spot. People are not very giving on Yom Kippur. Inching the seat back everytime the guy stands, makes the silent prayer extremely uncomfortable. Last year, as I moved towards the afternoon time, to the heretic section, I found myself in the middle of the 18 minute standing prayer, on my tiptoes. 

In order to make for a full atonement, I took the guys plastic chair and whacked him. I left a mark on his face, hopefully leading to some discomfort. I feel like we were all able to do Teshuva together. 

This year, make your makom kavuah in the plastic chair section. Make your seat mobile. If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. Say, 'I will never get hit by a siddur again. I will have room in Shule. I will suffer enough listening to the chazan. I will feel the pain and listen to the rabbi's speech, which goes on for 45 minutes, in the middle of a 12 hour service, which is not long enough, so that I can hear some words in a language I understand. That is enough suffering for my sins.'

And if the services take more than 12 hours. Take your seat back to your home and relax. Even the frum people will respect that. Because no Chazan should be allowed to sing in the frum world. Even on Yom Kippur.

Rosh Hashana- How to Prepare and do Simanim

ר"ה- acronymyze it. If you spell it out, Rosh Hashana, we all know you are not frum. For the sake of these writings and your lack of knowledge, I will spell it out.

One big thing to do before Rosh Hashana is Hatarat Nedarim (getting rid of vows, you commital apikores). We do this by having a good 30 people, each individually, with total kavanah, stand in front of three guys (the judges who have sinned themselves, just yesterday) who cannot hear them. It is important that the different kinds of vows that you are asking for forgiveness for, are not understood.

Very important. As you are reading with a whole congregation, silently, so the judges can hear you, be sure to do it fast. You do not want to be the slow guy, slowing down the judges response. Which is always, 'you are forgiven.' No need to get in H's way and start asking for details. If you are the slow guy, they will pick up that you are not really frum. Get down your mumble and skip a good paragraph in there. You only have about 15 seconds to read the 5 paragraphs audible and understandably. The mumble with the hi and low pitches at key moments is understood by H,' and any real frum Jew.

I made the mistake this year, and pronounced a word. It slowed up the whole group. I even had one frum Jew look at me, and rightfully say while fuming, 'Are you finished?' That statement was the major part of his judgement. I was wrongfully judged for being not frum. Yes, my vows were annulled, as I like to make resolutions. Such as last year, when after 50 hours in shule for the Hight Holidays, I made a resolution that I will not go back to shule this year. Of course, I called it a Neder (a vow, you apikores who makes resolutions on the New Year, OY!).

Make it a point to not be one of the three judges. They will figure you out right away. As your mumble might be off that day.

Preparation for Rosh Hashana is key. As it is the Day of Judgement, you want to be on good behavior the day before. If you have been enjoying yourself this past year, throw on a kippah and some sleeves. Make it look like that is how you acted the whole year. Maybe pay for a drink at a place you have been stealing from. H' seems to go for that stuff. We assume there is some over-site in the repentance process.

As with Yom Kippur, the most important aspect of the preparation for the High Holidays is going to the Mikveh (the spiritual bath, you soup using heretic). In any major city, you will be able to find your close friends there. As it is a communal holiday, it is important to get to know who you are praying next to.

This is just another aspect of making the holidays more uncomfortable. AS we have seen from the seating arrangements and planned 50 hours in shule over the next week, pain is part of the repentance process.

You are also not supposed to sleep during the day of Rosh Hashana, as that would lead to comfort and health. As we know, the most important aspect of Teshuva is pain and discomfort (Teshuva is repentance, you heretic who does not pray in a quorum and doesn't understand Jewish words in English which are harder to understand than Hebrew).

Simanim- (the signs used on the table of Rosh Hashana to show how our enemies should die, you peace praying apikores, for a year of goodness in the world). We use food to mean something, that they are not connected to at all. I am personally against this tradition, as it encourages the Ashekenazic Jewish inclination to pun. And it is very annoying, and must be stopped. But I will not judge.

For those who do it, this is your chance to be creative with food. The only reason why this expression of creativity and fun is permitted, is because you get to curse people. That makes it fine. But I cannot deal with the acceptance it allows for puns. This year, my friend is doing Chumus, for Hamas. Eating Hamas or something. Hamas ground like chickpeas. 

We are not a violent religion, but you get us going on simanim and violence is on. 'May it be your will, like the selek, that you kill our enemies.' We use random fruits for violence. Something that even vegetarians are offended by. We might not be violent, but we get Gd working for us on that. 'May it be His will...You should choke on pits like a pomegranate.' Our tradition for centuries. Why we are a weak people and use lawyers to fight our battles. 'He shall send you to jail, like a carrot in a cage.'

Cursing our enemies or people that make it hard for us to pay our bills is permissible.

The least violent Siman is that we should be as a head and not a tail. For that one non-violent one, we cut off a fish head and place it on the table.

As can be seen, this tradition falls under the frum lexicon, as all parts of it are offensive to vegetarians.

Tashlich (where you throw away your sins, like Yitzchak who went to the alter, you apikores who still has no idea what it means based on my explanation)

You might see children throwing in bread. Don't be there heretic that throws it in too.

That was permissible 30 years ago. Now it is not. They put their kids there to throw in the bread, to weed out the apikroes who is entrapping animals. Entrapment is only allowed on Rosh Hashana if there is a fruit. 'You should be entrapped like an eggplant who was never really an egg.'

Tisha BAv, the Three Weeks & Fast Days

This is the day to be sad, along with every other day on the Jewish calendar. The Beit Hamikdash (Great Temple- you heathen who still uses the word temple) was destroyed, and as such, smiling is not something you should ever do. You should be the one giving a nasty look to the Am HaAtertz who smiles.
Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron= Asur. Those are the only two days you do not mourn as a frum Jew, because the not frum Jews mourn on that day. All sad stuff happened on Tisha BAv, so we put them all into one day- and then mourn the rest of the year, except for Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron (days of remembrance you heretic who does whatever the Israeli government says- Oy!).
There are the 3 weeks leading up to Tisha BAv and the Omer count (days of heightened sense of mourning), where you are not supposed to shave or date due to lack of self hygiene. This should not be a big deal, as you already have a beard. We do enough mourning.
Modern frum do Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron. It isn’t wrong to remember people who passed away or were killed for living a virtuous life. However, do not let other people know you care; do not practice the days of remembrance BFarhesia (in public- you Chanuka lighting lover of Zion who says Hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut).
Service of H' (Gd- you apikores who doesn't know how to spell) should not involve emotion. The only time tears are allowed is when you are saying Slichot, the hymns said around the time of Rosh Hashana, as you sit there for an hour saying words you do not understand. And that is pain.
The goal is to stay away from any happiness. There are different ways to show this. The most important aspect of not happiness is to show anger. You can do the table smack to show that it is Rosh Chodesh (The beginning of the month), so that people know you are not happy to add an extra paragraph to the Amidah (silent prayer we say standing up- you apikores who doesn't even know when to bow). You can eat herring all the time; that will make you angry, if you do not have crackers (herring is fish you apikores who doesn't know Yiddish). You can even spend the day watching your children.
If you can sport a blank depressed look, that is the best. If you are very spaced out, that also looks like you are connecting with H.'
Sefardim have a tradition to only mourn the week of Tisha BAv. Even so, as Ashkenazim, it is our tradition to mourn as much as we can. If you can mourn from Pesach till this time, that is even better. The more you mourn, the better off you are. Even if you are a Sefardi, you want to mourn more than the three days. You eat meat on any other day than Shabbis, during this time, you can fall into heretic status.

The heightened mourning at this time of year begins with three weeks before Tisha BAv. Thus it is known as the Three Weeks. Because it is three weeks. The main idea of the Three Weeks. is to bring a heightened sense of uncomfortable. Let your beard grow. That is quite uncomfortable in August, in 100 degree Fahrenheit weather.
There are many ways to add discomfort. You can stick the fringes of your four cornered garment in your ear (Four cornered garment is Tzitzis- you poncho wearing apikores who doesn't even know that the four cornered garment needs tzitzis, and it is six times faster to say 'Tzitzis'). You can also have a conversation with anybody who passionately cares about something. You can listen to a Chozer BTshuva talk about how much they like Torah, and their passionate story about how they became religious. This kind of pain can lead to the rebuilding of the Temple.

The 9 Days are the 9 days before Tisha BAv from the beginning of the month (Rosh Chodesh- you apikores who only cares about Rosh Hashana), which we then take mourning to the next level. During this time, many people don't swim. But as a frum Jew, you should not be swimming anyways. The bungalow you are joining has a pool so that people can sit on chaise lounge chairs. Chaise lounge chairs must be made of plastic.
Remember: No eating meat for the 9 Days. You can eat fish, as fish never brought anybody happiness.
You could be Sefardi and only mourn for the week of Tisha BAv (that is if you do not care for being shunned as a Jew). And that is why no Sefardi who keeps Sefardic tradition is considered frum. The tradition of the Three Weeks has no basis in the Rambam and it seems to be a solely Ashkenazik tradition. That being the case, it is important to be as stringent as possible. If you want to fit in as a Sefardic Jew and want to be frum, you should become Ashkenazi. Thinking happiness and knowledge of your own tradition will earn you respect is a pipe-dream. So make a better life for yourself and keep the Three Weeks and 9 Days.
There are ways around eating meat, according to the Sefer HaToda'ah (Book of Our Heritage- you apikoreset who got an English book for your Bat Mitzvah)- A bris is one. Any Seudat Mitzvah (meal for a mitzvah- you heathen who thinks that it is a mitzvah to eat a meal, and doesn't understand that only a seuda is a mitzvah- Oy!). This includes a Pidyon HaBen, Bar Mitzvah and a Siyum (finishing a Tractate of Gemara or the Mishnah- where you can say you accomplished something of Torah- you Am HaAretz who has never redeemed a child, because you don't understand the English word Tractate and think that volumes is a better way to explain an easy Hebrew word).
Now how do you plan your Siyum? Show up to a Yeshiva for a few minutes where people learn and piggyback on that man's success. You can also find any kosher restaurant in the New York area. Making money off of food is frum. Thus, you can show up to any restaurant and they will have a guy saying how meaningful it was to finish the Tractate, so that his family would not have to go a week without meat. If need be, you can always learn Mesechet Makot (the Tractate of Lashes, you conformist chain carrying heathen who recently got a bolt put in your nose).
You are asking- How is it mourning if you are eating meat? Go and listen to the person celebrating the Siyum talk for a few minutes and you will feel the suffering of our people. The greatest suffering since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash; the right given to the people who are not part of the Anshei Knesset HaGdola to give Torah speeches, as if they know what they are talking about.
Another way to eat meat is if there is an important rabbi coming through your town who wants to eat meat. In the presence of an important rabbi, you can do whatever you would like. You can break any mitzvot during the Three Weeks, or Shabbat for that matter. As long as the rabbi is within view and staying at your house, you can break whatever laws you want and just point to the rabbi. The presence of a rabbi in your house gives you the necessary status to change your religion for a few days. It is almost as good as being a descendant of the Gaon of Vilna (Gr"a, you apikores who speaks in non-acronym form). You can use that presence in your home for a good 20 years. Anytime somebody gives you a weird look, just say, 'Rav Shlit"a was in my house.' As you say shlit"a and don't understand what it means, you will have already suppressed any question of why you cannot pronounce a 'chet.'

On Tisha BAv, you have to take the discomfort to the next level. Now you have to sit on the ground. The discomfort of the shule's fold-up chairs has to be taken to the next level. Some people like to show off with their knowledge of 3 Tefachim (three hand-breadths, you heathen who measures in feet and inches- who doesn't even know what centimeters are). If you want to really show off, make sure you know your hand-breadths and flip over a bench. This show of knowledge will make you look frum and yet comfortable, in an extremely uncomfortable way. This is more uncomfortable than sitting on the floor. So you are good.
If you want to cheat the comfort system, make sure you find the man with the biggest hands in shule and sit on his bench. The largest hand-breadth (which is 4 fingers), is still less than 4 inches. So stay away from any freaks who have been working in construction for too long. By definition of the way they make a living, they are not religious anyways.

No showering or bathing of any sorts is allowed on Tisha BAv. You want to smell bad. Smelling decent can render you an Apikores. If need be, rub some cumin on yourself.
There is no taking this too far. Smelling bad is a religious ritual, and it also helps everybody else around you connect with the destruction.
You can clean your fingers, up to the knuckles, as that is the part of your body you use for wiping yourself. But that is private and halachik, and as such has nothing to do with being frum, unless you are in a public bathroom. For that matter, you will smell worse if you do not wash your fingers in a public bathroom, thus making you more frum. We would also discuss how it is forbidden to have 'marital relations' here, but anything done in private has nothing to do with frum. That is unless you have your kids' friends staying over; in which case, make a big deal about how your children make brachot- forcing them to say it out loud.

No learning Torah on Tisha BAv, because that brings happiness to people who love H.' You can probably get away with learning Torah, as you are probably learning it in English, and since you became religious it has only caused for a rift with your parents.

No greeting people on Tisha BAv. As the second Beit Hamikdash was destroyed, due to baseless hatred, we try to make close friends feel as uncomfortable as possible. This way they will ask themselves why you did not greet them and the hatred will not be baseless.
If somebody greets you however, you may return the greeting, as they are sinners and they have no idea what it means to connect with the destruction of the Temple.

You also cannot wear leather shoes on Tisha BAv. This is the perfect time to sport your new frum clothes you purchased. The plastic black shoes which make it look like you are always wearing a tux, is perfect.
Picking out the stylish clothes for the day? Think Yom Kippur. B"H (Thank Gd- you heretic who answers people when they ask you how you are doing) for the Converse All-Stars. Those shoes definitely made a whole generation of Jews fit in at camp.
Shopping is forbidden the whole Three Weeks. So, if you did purchase any clothes during this time, make sure you did that shopping with a baseball hat. The baseball hat is a way for you to have anonymity in the frum community and beyond. People cannot tell you are Jewish with a baseball hat says 'SWAG,' with a straight visor. With that kind of hat and a beard, they will mistake you for a biker. To note: food shopping is acceptable. You can see this based on the amount of time any frum family spends in Shop Rite. This kind of shopping should be considered asur, as it is entertainment for a good frum family. You can see this in Israel when you see the smiles of simcha (happinnes- you smiling heretic) when a frum family finds a new kishka on the market.

Every bad event happened on Tisha BAv: The Batei Mikdash were destroyed, it was decreed the generation in the dessert would not enter Israel, my basketball went into to the camp lake and many other tragic events on the Jewish calendar.

Fasting- This is the hardest part of the only other day, which rivals Yom Kippur in its length of fast. I suggest walking around with an IV. The IV will give you status, as the community will think you are very sick, but so connected that you are still keeping the fast. IV's come in many different forms. With an IV, you are even allowed to have meat running through the blood.
The only positive is that on this day, you can get out of being in shule (which adds an extra eight hours to the fast). You do have the option of sitting in shule, to add to the felt pain.
There are other fast days, like the 17th of Tamuz (at the beginning of the Three Weeks), but that is only from dawn to night. You can sleep through that fast. The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. It is better to sleep through that. The community has bothered you enough.

If you pull off the mourning and blank look of depression right, you are in. Frum as a choolante cooking till Saturday night.

***These are excerpts from the Frum Guide. For more education with Rabbi David come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem- every Thursday night.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Tzom Kal vMatzleeach LKoolam

Brachot: How to Look Good with Kavanah

It is all about Kavanah

Say Brachot out loud. This will have them thinking you want to share your Mitzvot. Only do this if you already know how to pronounce the 'chet' and 'chaf,' and know how to properly use the 'es' sound wherever you can. A 'chet' and 'chaf' pronounced without the 'ch' sound. And need I say, without the 'et' sound, you apikores who thinks that a 'chet' is pronounced without a 'es' at the end.
Even if you are chilling with old friends, who only knew you when you did not have a Hebrew name, do whatever you can out loud. Start forcing them to say 'Amen' to your new religious fascination. It is good practice.
It doesn't make a difference that your friends already hate you for turning religious and knowing that you are better than them. Something you have made clear to them by the natural looks of disgust and judgement you have developed over your time committed to frum. Techniques which you have learned to strategically place in the middle of  conversation, while your friend is sharing an intimate experience with you, in confidence and trust. This hate is fine. Remember, they are apikorsim for only keeping kosher. Oy. Now, it is time to share the fact that you also bless Gd for your food, making you even better.
Keep in mind that the look of disgust should be placed right when they are sharing the most intimate and innocent part of their story. When you have them in that place where they feel secure and comforted by you, that is when you say, 'Oy. I can't believe you would do such a thing.' That is when they start feeling guilty about talking with a non-Jew and doing business. Make them feel real bad about making a living and not trusting in H' enough to provide for their family by learning Torah. They will then do a lot of thinking and wake up the next day, thinking you are a nasty idiot, and this way they will never be there to blow your cover in the frum community.
Remember, your friends and who you talk to, are people you are in touch with.

Another good technique to use, other than volume, is the closing of the eyes technique. Closing your eyes makes it look like you have kavanah (proper intention- you non-believing apikores who crosses the street with looking both ways). This also the reason why I go outside when it is very sunny and look in the direction of the sun. Closing your eyes also helps you not have to see the bothered look on other people's faces for your thankfulness to H.'
You are supposed to make at least one hundred Brachot a day (If you don't already know what Brachot means, it is blessings you apikoreset who thinks that you deserve the new dress). Say a bracha on everything. And, yes, even the new dress you don't deserve. Bless H' for making it a day. Bless H' for the new dress. Bless H' that you have parents that support your new crusade in Torah learning. Somebody has to support your new commitment to frumkite, for you to be frum. And no parent likes to see their child starving. That is also a reason to not eat off your parents' dishes.
If you have frum parents, you are frum by association and your ability to naturally throw in the word 'aynikul' into any conversation. And thus, you do not have to worry about kavanah when saying a brachot. You already caught the mistake and know that only an apikores would not call them brachas.

Asides from closing your eyes, other ways to outdo your competition is with a strong sway. There are different kinds of sways. There is a step forward, backward style. There is the side to side. There is the pacing. I say mix them all and go crazy with it. The more possessed you look, the more connected you  are. If you hit somebody all the better. That is the one reason to really grow out your payis (side curls- you Chasidic heretic who thinks you should be drinking right now without a black hat). This is a good follow up on whacking somebody with Tallis strings. This makes others aware that you are frum. There is no point in swaying, closing your eyes, pacing, and yelling out a bracha on a sunny day in the park, if you are not drawing any attention. For this reason, it is also good to smack a table and yell out 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It always sounds good to let everybody know there is a new month at some point.
And do not forget: off-harmony singing is very important. Singing to a tune and a beat is asur. So do the permitted thing and grown and yawn wherever you can in any song. And do not, never, sing in shule. Do not be an embarrassment. Any tune can be created to your bracha, as you are doing it. Grown and as you are yawning, go as hi as you can with your voice. It won't just be a bracha, you will also have created a new Jewish song.

Which Brachot for what? Good question. I have no idea.
What do they mean? I have a question for you. Do you not have enough emunah (faith- you meaning searching apostate) to not do it Lishma? And now you want to know what Lishma means? You should be ashamed.

Yom Yerushalayim

You do not celebrate this day. You should be embarrassed if you know about the Six Day War, or even words like the year 1967.
You can do one or two things to celebrate the day of Jerusalem's unification in private. Work it the same way you would if people asked about your acquisition of a computer. Say nothing and hide it. Do not tell your children, because they talk.
Do not even mention Hallel. Praise and thanking Gd for Jewish unity are forbidden.
Point is that you shouldn't even know the name of this day.
Any holiday that is not in the Tanach (Bible- you hedenist who probably calls it a Tanakh) is not something you celebrate, or should even know of. The only occasions we celebrate that are post Tanach are days of mourning. Mourning is mutar; Tisha BAv (Ninth of Av- you non-Hebrew speaking Apikores, who probably can't even say it in Yiddish), The Omer, but not happy days during the Omer. You can mourn on Yom Yerushalayim, to celebrate the unification of the Jewish capital. Celebrating with a ripped shirt, while mourning the destruction of Beit Hamikdash (House of Holy- you heretic who would even think to use the word 'Temple' and 'Great' in the same phrase) is acceptable.
Even saying Tanach is shameful. I should have said, 'Holidays mentioned in the Gemara' (because to say Talmud shows you are an heretic- you heretic who is probably praying and thanking H'- probably pronouncing the full name Gd- for bringing us back to our Home Land).
Many non-frum Shomer Shabbat (keeping the mitzvot of Shabbat- you money laundering heathen who works on Shabbis and calls it Shabbat) Jews who believe that Israel is a blessing from H,' make their way to the Kotel on this day. The children march to the Old City and parades happen. Parades are Asur (forbidden- you Hebrew speaking heathen who would even call it a 'mitzad').
As a frum Jew, the only aspect of a parade that you are allowed to join is the protest. You should be out at the protest, as this will allow you to skip school and work, and that is a mitzvah.
And to even think that you could call a day 'a holiday' that you can shower on?!!! Oy.

Lag BOmer in Israel

A major holiday in Israel, Lag BOmer is celebrated in Israel by burning whatever you can find.
The kids take everything that burns, so be prepared to guard your belongings in Israel. Hide your Schach (stuff you put on your Sukkah- you heretic who doesn't even lift your summer roof before Sukkot- the holiday of booths, you ignoramus). Hide all inanimate objects. This includes grandparents. The children will burn everything. Stand by your door. Let them know it belongs to the house.
If you are not around for Lag BOmer, hire a neighbor to make sure they do not burn down your home. We are talking frum vigilante work.

In Israel, last Lag BOmer, I learned that Supermarket carts only cost 5 shekel. If you put the 5nis in the cart, it is yours. You can then put as much wood as you would like in the cart, and burn the cart too.

There is also a tradition of taking a bow and arrow, to confirm the reputation that frum Jews are violent. But I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. With the security situation the way it is, and the "accidents" up in number. If they are good with a bow and arrow, there are neighborhoods I could suggest sending them to.  

Tzfat, at the grave-site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai is where the party is at. It is tradition that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai died on this day. So we party. General frum tradition is to drink a lot of alcohol when a rabbi is dead. We also light the fires, which represent stuff that I could have used getting burned.
Known as the day of Rabbi Bar Yochai's Hillulah, it is your frum duty to get smashed. This will also allow you to feel more mystical.
This day in Meron is the Homecoming party of Breslov and Chabad. They do not have kissing booths, but they do have matchmaker booths. That is mutar. You can kiss the matchmaker, if they are the same sex as you. If you give it a few dates and a year or so, and a lot of invites to your parents' friends, you might be kissing somebody else. If you play the game right, you'll be back at the graves the next year saying that the segulah worked (Segulah is a positive omen you created after something worked out, you heretic who thinks you make decisions).

You can go up to Mount Meron for many days, where Rabbi Bar Yochai (the Rashbi) was buried. Many chasidim go up for the whole weekend. This is the only time it is permitted for frum Jews to go camping in the woods. What makes this acceptable is that there is a huge tent with prepared food, made in a kitchen. Just be sure to bring a mattress, so you can enjoy the full frum camping experience.
He is known as the Rashbi, as he is a very important rabbi. If you do not have an acronym, to be honest, you are not very important. I have never come across an important rabbi who did not have a quotation mark in his name.
It is not very hard to acronymize your name. All you have to do is take the first letters of all your names. Include your dad's name, maybe the town you are from. Do not use your mom's name, as anything from your mother's side is heretical. This is why you practice traditions of your parents. But your parents are heretics, which makes this hard.
Acronymizing can be very hard if your name is Isaiah Aaron Ethen. If that is the case, make sure the town you are from does not have a vowel. Also watch out for acronymizing if your name is Adir Shimon Shmuel. If that is the case, be sure to add in Rabbi and ben whomever your dad is (ben is son in Hebrew- you heretical son Avraham whose dad I am quite skeptical of).

Seder Guide: 4 Cups 4 Questions and Too Many Divrei Torah

'4 Cups 4 Questions and Too Many Divrei Torah'

There are 4 cups of wine. Drink them all. Drink them all at once if you can. It is going to be a long night. There is a lot of Hebrew and it is in song form. Then all the people give their commentary, as there are four sons. Then people bring in other thoughts in what they call divrei torah (what are divrei torah, you apikores…if you do not know this…where they bring in more Hebrew). I call it filibuster. And they are stopping food from being served.
Pretend like you didn’t know that they were supposed to be drunk at different times. This is the only time in your frum life you should pretend not to know. Unless you use the kiruv card and pretend to be not religious for free stuff, always let people know that you know. And remember, if it makes no sense, it is your minhag (tradition you apikores, who has no minhag of knowing what to do).
When drinking, lean, so that you can spill on yourself. That is what kings used to do, and you are a king. Leaning is supposed to be comfortable. Even so, last year there was an excited Yeshiva Bachur sitting to my right, leaning on me. He was leaning over his chair, beyond excited, trying to stuff a whole matzah in his mouth without chewing, to fulfill all the time and size requirements of every rabbi. Hanging upside down, ‘Do I look like a king? I feel like a king. Are kings supposed to choke on their food? Upchuck?’ I am sure that kings did not lean on their guests and make them feel very uncomfortable.
The eating requirements in a short period of time are what makes a religious Jew. You have to stuff in the size of however many eggs before you can say, ‘Shalom Aleichem rabbi mori.’ It is something like this. I remember my parents force feeding me as a child. Dishing more food on my plate before I finished: ‘This is a mitzvah- shalom Aleichem rabbi mori…you are getting fat.
Conclusion: to look frum, force feed your children and guests.

Talk about how long your seder is. No matter what you did, or how non-Halachik it is, make sure that your seder went later.

Once the seder begins everybody becomes a rabbi. This is the part of the frum guide that is for decent enjoyable living as a frum Jew.
Advice on divrei Torah: Don’t give them at the seder. Just give a quick comment and let it move. You are excited to hear yourself. I understand. Nonetheless, we want to eat and no matter how much we have to pretend like we care, we could care less about how creative you can be with the 4 Sons. Is your son wicked, because he cannot stand hearing more Divrei Torah? No. He is normal and hungry and also doesn’t care much for salt water.

Hide the afikoman- this is the piece of matzah that is broken off. This makes for a lot of fun. It is ancient Jewish tradition that they couldn’t find the Matzah and as such children used to get electronics.
There is negotiating for a prize for whoever finds it. You can negotiate, but keep it low. No Xbox. You have an Xbox in your house, that is almost as bad as having internet. If you can get a censored Xbox, then that might be a decent gift.
The search for the afikoman comes late at night. The Afikoman is supposed to be the last thing you eat. So don’t show up to shule the next morning, jabbering about how you the seder went on for a good 5 hours, after you ate the Afikoman. I can care less how good of times harmonizing ChadGadYah can be to animal noises, you eat the afikoman and finish it.
The key is to not give into the kids. If you want to go to sleep, hold that in, and that will help the negotiations. Negotiating takes place by the business-minded child who does not like to have fun. This child insists on not looking for the Afikoman unless money is involved. Money, meaning something you can spend to have fun, meaning Asur (forbidden, you negligent Chametz purchasing Apikores). This is the wicked son, as he is trying to take your money. This same son is the one who wants to drive your car and get a license.
It is Asur to negotiate on Chag. This is a good lesson to teach your children, a lesson that can save you a lot of money.
Good places to hide the afikoman are the laundry –nobody would think to look there. Other places to hide it are in the car, as the car is muktzeh (stuff that is forbidden to touch- you michalel Shabbis Apikores).

You cannot be single and frum. I had the singles seder, where I had to hide the afikoman from myself. I felt like an idiot. I didn’t find it. I couldn’t buy myself the bike I wanted.
Last year, I went to my sister’s house, and that was not much better. I was the 5th question at the seder. ‘Why is Uncle D’ still single?’

The Mah Nishtana is always the most memorable part of the sedet. It is where the youngest one shows their parents that they do not remember the words, after going to Hebrew school for 8 years. The seder is about getting the children to ask questions and be interested. So, we have the young American children read it in Hebrew. Otherwise, with all the questions and Divrei Torah, it would take 8 hours till the meal. Interest only goes so far without internet access.
I have nephews and nieces that live in Israel, so they understand the questions now. That makes the seder much longer. Now that they understand it, the Mah Nishtana is a statement of discontent. ‘Yeah mom, why am I dunking in salt water? You know I hate it. Why do we lean like idiots? Did kings also choke on their food. Does David’s Chozer BTshuva friend have to lean on me too...Why the matzah? That is the bread of poverty- why is it $15 a slice? And why the wafers last Friday night? We are not Catholic. Why do we have to clean for all 30 nights? How many weeks of slavery do we have to celebrate to understand freedom? Why the 6 sprays? Why is my hand gone? Why did you not give me gloves to clean? Why is uncle D still single?’
Why is uncle D smacking you, you little yutz?

There are only supposed to be 4 questions, but being that questions are supposed to be the theme, more questions arise during the seder. For example, ‘We’ve been here for an hour and a half why are we not eating yet?’ ‘You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?’ ‘Why so many divrei Torah?’ ‘Where is the food? Yes I ask again.’
It is always important to put the youngest one on the spot. Make them feel very uncomfortable. Then coach them on how to do it. Then get angry at them for not getting the Mah Nishtana correctly. After a whole year in Gan/nursery school, they can’t even do this one thing they are expected to learn. The only time they have to perform. After the holiday, switch nursery schools. Remember that it is important to reprimand in public, and tell them to project, if you want them to be prepared for their Bar Mitzvah.

Questions you can ask during the Seder (those of your own):
Why are we not eating?
Why is the Dvar Torah going on?
Why are we not eating?
Why is my shirt stained?
Why am I sitting at the kids’ table?
Why is he still talking and why has he not finished the Dvar Torah?
Why is my stomach hurting and why is everybody Pesaching in my face?