Pesach: Some Questions I Had at My Family's Seder

Why do none of the kids understand the questions they just asked?

Why do I lean, when I am drinking wine, which stains?

Why does my sister-n-law spend $18,000 a year to send these kids to Jewish day school, when we have to help them sing this simple song, known as the 'Mah Nitshtana'?
Charoset stains too?
Why is my 3 year old nephew still awake?
Why do we not answer any of the questions?

What does a chicken neck have to do with a sacrifice?
Why did they not sacrifice chickens when they are so easy to catch and throw on a truck, in boxes?
You burnt the neck?!

Why do we only dunk twice on this night, when we have all the Israeli salatim on every other night?
Why do we not dunk in Chumus on this night? Does Chumus rise?
What is Kitniyot again?
Why was everybody screaming at all the children to shower, a good eight hours before the holiday started?
Why am I drunk already? It was only one cup of wine?
Why are we drinking on an empty stomach?
Why did I spend twenty minutes cutting up toilet paper before the holiday?
Why is somebody giving another Dvar Torah?
That just has to stop?!
Why don't we talk about the Jews who didn't leave Egypt, or intermarriage?
Why did my aunt tell my niece that if she would have screamed like this in Egypt, she wouldn't have been freed?
Why are all of these random people at our meal?
They never invited us?
Why is my niece still yelling?
Why do we need all of these toys to let us know what the plagues were?
Why do little Styrofoam balls not remind me of hail?
Why does the frog toy not move, when I push on the back?
Since when is food coloring considered blood?
How did I put on eight pounds already? I haven't eaten anything yet?!
Why do I have to move the food to the other side of the table? Can't these people control their eating habits?
Is there any other cut of meat, other than brisket?
Why do all the Jews go to the zoo on Chol Hamoed?
Are there other activities for children to do on Chol Hamoed?
Why do non-Jews not smuggle food into zoos, movie theaters and hockey games?
Why do non-Jewish people wear baseball hats when they travel, when they are already not Jewish?
Why are my nephews still yelling?
Why did the kids just get screamed at for asking questions at the Seder?

Other Blessings- That are Not Connected to Food

There are many other blessings, even though you should not have time to do anything other than eating. You might have to say a blessing for traveling, but you should still be eating a lot on the trip.

You have to Bench Gomel, which is a blessing you make when you encounter any near death experience, or some kind of danger. In most Jewish homes this includes a ball being thrown in the living room. I have also heard parents yelling at kids for climbing, so climbing can also be included as danger, along with eating without chewing. We also know how much paper-cuts hurt.
Whenever there is a scary experience HaGomel should be said. If you are a hypochondriac or a European Jew, you should be saying this blessing daily.

There are blessings for good looking people, but the last time I said that one, she smacked me.
When you see ugly people, you say, 'Who makes different beings.' Very important that they hear it when you say this blessing, as to give them the opportunity to say 'Amen.'

And there are more, even for rainbows and lighting. Even thunder has a blessing. When my nephew farts, we do not say a blessing, but we do make him say 'Excuse me.'
There are a lot and it gets confusing. This is why it is best to stay away from blessings. You should just say 'Shehakol' for everything.

Blesss people, That is a good blessing route to take when you have no clue what the bracha is. An easy starter to use as you grow as a blesser. It looks good when you tell somebody, ‘You should have clarity.’ It is a hip blessing to give, and it leaves them confused. Confusion is an amazing way to bless. 'Your space should be holy,' 'May your loins be abundantly fertile.'
This blessing thing is big in the hippieish frum community. However, it works amazing in the Charedi communities as well. If you mumble something, that also works as a Yiddish blessing. Just remember to go hi on the last word.
Simchas, 'You should have simchas.'What kind of simchas? What are simchas? Point is, it sounds good.

Many people have asked: 'They should live and be well' is not a blessing, but a curse. It is only used when you hate somebody.

Blessing people is also a very useful way to not have to have a conversation with other annoying members of the community. Example: 'You and your kids should have simchas.' Saying that they should have parties is a blessing which trumps any decent conversation. Any talking after that is going to be a downer. If you really want to get rid of people, bless H.' How are you? 'Thank Gd.' It is a good way to get people away from you, as nobody wants to hear too much about Gd. They really are just trying to make their way to the herring. This also shows them that you would rather talk with H,' then them.
You have to know how to interact in shule. The Kiddush interaction is the key and conversations about people's children gets boring when you don't care, so get down the blessings. And do not try to sound all smooth by throwing in their child's name that you forgot. Get them to mention the name and then throw the name into a blessing. I have done this many times. I am not sure if they realize that I am saying the name right after they did it.

Duchening- This is where the Cohanim Bless you (priests, you un-blessed friend of Mark Cohen, who has no idea that he goes by his mother's maiden name, which is also Mark).
If you can Spock it, then separate the fingers and show them you are part of the fraternity. Even if you are not a Cohen, little kids are impressed by this. They are wowed by the separating of the fingers, until they realize they can do it themselves.
The real answer for which Blessing: Say Shehakol for everything.
If you can throw in some Yiddish, you are good to go. It is better than Hebrew. Even better than a shehakol, when blessing people.

Better than a blessing is knowing how to turn enjoyment into something religious.
If you can turn a Shabbat Meal into something not fun, you have top frum status. One way to do this is to interrupt the conversation people are enjoying, with a Dvar Torah.
Here is a technique I witnessed while I was eating some amazing food. Everything you eat- say, 'Lkavod Shabbis Kodesh' (to honor the Holy Shabbat you heretic who eats fresh food on Saturdays). As it is a mitzvah to delight in the Shabbat, this will definitely take away from the enjoyment of your potato kugel. Pronounce it potatah kigel, you apikores.

Timing the Amen is the key to sounding good.
Nothing worse than a misplaced 'Amen.' The whole shule will notice the ignorance. It is almost as bad as a Kiddush with no choolent. If your 'Amen' was misplaced, pretend like you were sleeping. That is how you get the 'Amen' to work for you. You will turn into a rabbi story, where you were so holy that you dreamed about praying.
The Mizrachim know a misplaced 'Amen,' but they are more forgiving. The Sefardic community loves a good 'Amen.' As long as you say it with passion, in a Sefardic community, a good 'Amen' is a blessing itself.

And again- When you are called to the Torah, Never use the Barchu card.

Chanuka is Not Frum

Chanukah is not a religious holiday. Nothing about the Holiday is frum. If you want to be frum, you should skip Chanukah.

Reasons Chanukah is not frum:
-Any holiday that you can shower on is not religious. If you are permitted to smell good, it is not religious day. There is a reason we celebrate two straight days of every holiday outside of Israel, where general hygiene is overly stressed.
-Chilonim- secular Jews like it. Anything secular Jews like cannot be frum. Why do you think frum Jews stopped eating shrimp?
-Sing Christmas carols to Hebrew words. That is XMas you non-frum wreath hanging sinner. Chas vShalom, calling it Christmas and singing those songs like 'We light...one for each night,' are not even Jewish. You light six on the sixth night. Seven including the shamis (the light that shouldn't even be there, you non-oil lighting heretic). You light one for each night if it is a Yahrzheit (the commemoration of somebody's death, you gehenim living preetzut and gashmeut to death).
-Not one famous American Jewish singer ever wrote a Chanukah song, which is why most Jews feel it is easier to connect with Xmas. And do not say Matisyahu. I think he recently made a decision that his spiritual quest has pulled him to the Bhaji faith.
-Chabad is out in the public celebrating it with huge Chanukias (those are the chanukah Menoras, you nonHebrew speaking nonTemple praying Hellenist). Frum Jews do not associate with Chabad, unless they are on vacation. You have to keep kosher when traveling, and there are only so many Snickers bars you can force your children to eat before they don't like candy anymore. Chabad brings the hot Kosher food, and that hashgacha works in Thailand.
-Spinning tops are not frum. Call it dreidel, but gambling is forbidden unless you are in Vegas for the Diamonds convention. Putting money down on dreidel is 'Misachek BKoobiah' (gambling you apikores who cannot bare witness).
-We get gifts and not one of the people that gives us the gift has a long white beard.
-Chocolate coins as Chanukah Gelt is a rip off. The chocolates are also too small for any real Jew to enjoy. The fact that gelt is Yiddish does give the tradition of giving money some religious significance.
-You are allowed to work, and work is asur (forbidden, you family supporting gift purchasing heretic).
-No Galus or as you know it, Diaspora, is involved in the holiday. Any holiday that even hints to redemption is not religious. Even worse, is if the holiday speaks of Israel being united. For this same reason, no true frum Jew would even think to say Yom HaAtzmaut (Israeli Independence Day- Oy, If I forget thee oh galus).
-The Holiday is fun.

The only part to Chanukah that is frum is eating. But even sufganiot, which are jellyless jelly doughnuts, are not frum at all. Frum people do not eat doughnuts, unless the doughnut is spongecake.

BRACHOT: Which Ones

Lets try to be picky and go into some details. If you can say a Bracha out loud, correctly, you are in.
Fruits are 'Ha'Etz' (that is the blessing for something from the tree, you non-Yirat Shamaim, fruit picker who doesn't even tithe. And never use the word 'Tithe.' The fact that you know the commandment of tithing fruits from Israel could turn you into a heretic right away. We are already losing enough money with Tzedakah. That is charity, you none-Mayser giving rich Israel visiting chazer. 'Mayser' is OK to use, as its connotation of tithing is for charity). 'Ha'etz' would be the blessing 'Boreh Pri HaEtz,' creator of the fruits of the tree.
Most vegetables are 'Boreh Pri HaAdama,' because they are from the ground. But then some fruits are from the ground, and that is confusing. And there are bananas. You will look real bad trying to figure it out. And what is worse is pulling out a book which shows you which Brachot to say on what. You start looking at the pictures. Can you tell the difference between a peach and a nectarine? I can't. There is only one answer. say Shehakol for everything.
Say Shehakol for everything. The blessing meaning, that all is created by Gd's word. You naturally say this for all meats, fish, and anything you have no idea about. That means, you should be saying Shehakol for everything.
You shouldn't be eating fruits or vegetables anyways, unless they are cooked. Only non-religious people eat vegetables that are not mixed into a dish. They know this as salad. They have no place in heaven. Even vegetable soup is religiously questionable. You would say mzonot or shehakol on this cooked stuff, as it becomes tafel (the unimportant, being vegetables here, to the main stuff. The secondary part of the dish, you chicken soup eating apikores who makes a bracha on pizza sauce) to the stuff you are allowed to eat, like the noodles.

'Al HaGefen'- The blessing said on wine, exempts you from saying the belssing on of Shehakol, which you would say on drinks. Again, confusing. You sit there making the blessing and you are now screwed even saying 'Shehakol.' Which is why you must be an advanced student before you are the one making kiddush fo the Kehilah (the congregation, you hermetic heretic). Best to be the silent one who looks like a tzaddik. If you are silent, you are either not knowledgeable or righteous.
Shehchiyanu- There is no real time for this. Originally it was said for the first fruits of a season, or something of the sorts, to thank Gd for keeping us alive. Now it is said when something makes you happy. Anything that makes you happy, as you are always depressed. That is when we make this blessing of thanks to H' for keeping us alive, as there is nothing else to be happy about. Once you get down this blessing, you can use it any time. People will think you have a minhag (tradition, you 'Fiddler on The Roof' watching heretic who doesn't understand that it is our tradition to say minhag). Just make sure you can justify it being a first time. A fruit not in season, 'It is my first time eating the starfruit this week.' Be creative like that. It works, and you can always say Shehechiyanu on starfruit.

This is the greatest source based part of the book. I am sorry for that.

Most importantly. If you do not know the brachot, and you don’t want to look like an idiot, mumble. Mumbling always looks religious. Mumble whatever you can. Mumble whatever you can't. It is the same thing. It works for all blessings and prayers (tefillah- you transliterate idiot). Mumble and you will sound like you are praying or speaking Yiddish.
When mumbling, remember to go hi at points. Kvetch that hi note out, you frum machine.
And again, never look at the Barchu Card. If you have to mumble it and stop at some point. They will answer that Barchu blessing for you. If you hi pitch it enough, they will connect with some Eastern European tradition.
Mumbling is a tool which also works when singing, you un-chaching embarrassment. Mumble for all songs. You will fit in. Nay Nay Nay that baby, and they will see how you are singing with your soul. The soul cannot express itself with words, and neither can you.
The soul groups Nay Nay Nays in threes. The soul does not elevate itself with one Nay.  
Karaoke? No. You Chasiodiki that. Make sure the screen has those words on it, so you can sing along. And don't look stupid Nay Naying the Nay Nay Nay of tha chorus too soon.

For grains, you say 'Mzonot,' the blessing of 'Who creates varieties of food.' As we do not we really know what grains mean, because we are not all farmers, this specific blessing is vague.
This is why everything is a Pesach legume. These legumes are different than the non-Pesach legumes.
Again, just say Shehakol.

Then there are the blessings you say after you eat. Memorize these. It is pathetic to have to pull out a Birkon (the book with the post bread and meal blessing in it, you heretic who is using the Birkon to sing Israeli songs, you 'Al Kol Oleh' chiloni).
Only time you are allowed to look in a bencher is for Sheva Brachot. Or when singing a Shabbat Zemer (a song that has too many versus, which we sing on Shabbis all the way through, to show our fervor and ensure that people will be extremely frustrated with their religious connection to words they don't know, you heretic who jumps to the nay nays, without even a third nay).
I had years where I had to look at the Birkon. It was an embarrassment. The Birkat HaMazon (post bread meal blessing, you ungrateful gluten hater), was too long. I had nightmares of having to sit there reading it for three minutes. Since then, I now say it by heart and I now can enjoy tons of bread. Saying it by heart allows me to skip words and paragraphs of the prayer without even realizing it.

You are supposed to say at least 100 Brachot a day. It says it somewhere. Point is that you do not have to do it in public, which means that your doing it has nothing to do with this manifesto of educational brilliance. Even so, as a religious Jew, you will find yourself wimping out and wanting to do it.
If you are having a hard time figuring out which Brachot to say when and how you can do one hundred brachot in a day, go hang around some Sefardim (Mizrachim in Israel- you racist heretic). They love saying them out loud. Just get ready to say 'Amen.' These 'Amens' help you feel like you are getting in the 100 daily blessings. The Mizrachim always assume that people do not know what is going on, so they say the stuff out loud, making it much easier to be frum in a Mizrachi community. You just have to get in the Amen. They also bring out tons of food which every makes blessings on out loud. Just follow exactly what the guy did before you. Go to a Mizrachi minyan and you will find yourself saying twelve Brachot on food, and you will still be starving. You can score a lot of blessings, but make sure you get down the accent. They can peg a non-frum sefardi right away. If you have problems fitting in, go full on Yiddish. That pronunciation of the Yeshiva world gives you status in the Mizrachi communities. And remember, never mention the Ben Ish Chai. If you do that, then they will know you are not a frum Ashkenazi.    

YOM KIPPUR: Your Seat

Make sure you purchase a seat in shule. You do not want to be the outcast, sitting in the free 'I didn't prepare for the holidays' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something.

People show up on these days. Something about life and death makes people feel religious. Non-religious heretics don't even think about how much more comfortable it is to show up on Shabbat. An average Shabbat, you can get a good three seats, to yourself. Good buffer space. It is the same people that all decide that leaving work at 5pm is a good idea.

It might be Yom Kippur, but you do not give up your seat for anybody.You give that up, it shows total weakness, a lack of frum pride. On Yom Kippur, you are even allowed to publicly reprimand an individual who sits in your seat in shule. This is known as your makom kavuah (your fixed seat, you heretic who always lost at musical chairs). First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your 'prayer shawl' with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works at your makom kavuah.

Discomfort and pain is the goal of Teshuva (repentance, you heretic who is still letting your siddur hang over the seat in front of you). H' is looking down, saying, 'They were just in shule for 12 hours. 80 hours over the last week and half, reading words they don't understand. The Chazan was naynaynaying every tune. The cantor even sung songs that he didn't even know. Bought the machzor that translates Hebrew into Hebrew. Been religious all year. No fun at all. They sat through the two hour Kol Nidrei paragraph, they are forgiven.'

That is why the chazan goes on for 5 hours, for Shaharit (morning service, you heretic who showed up at noon,thinking you were going to catch kiddush), which takes 20 minutes to read, at home. All part of Teshuva

Shules make it their goal to help with this pain. Hence, you will notice the chazan going off on notes for extended periods of time, to frustrate you. Now, the seats are tiny. 

Seats in shule- Aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket. If you are a half a person, you can fit in with your foot over the armrest. They tried very hard to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half.

If you are sitting at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45 degree angle for the fifteen hour service, and be comfortable.

The optimal discomfort would be on a plane. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, 

Made to be as uncomfortable as possible. In Israel they give you the siddur shtender area (book holder- you apikores who reads paperback books that you can read with one hand). They even recently started making the shtender just small enough, so the guys machzor is smacking my head all of davening (Machzor is the prayerbook, siddur, for the High Holidays, you heathen who thinks davening is not prayer with more movement). Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. Then I kicked him. He wasn't in my makom kavuah, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the day of atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I feel like I did real Teshuva. 

I took the guy's siddur/machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all sifrei kodesh (holy books, you sifarim reading picture pop up book apikores) were hardcover. It is due to this experience that I now feel closer to the holy word of H.'

According to the Rambam, repentance is about saying 'I will never do it again.' At the base of repentance is pain and lying. You must fully accept that anything you enjoyed is something you will never do again. The only things that were not painful this past year, you promise to stay away from. This coming year, you vow to only do things that doing make you happy. This is usually why people repent on their death bed, as it is the only time they can honestly say, 'I will never do it again.'

Even though it may show a bit too much care, being that it is the High Holidays, you can show a little care for your fellow Jews, suffering for the day. 

Armrest? Share it. Midos (positive attributes, unlike your pronouncing it Midot, you apikoret)? That is not going to happen. You cannot depend on your fellow Jew to be of a giving soul on Yom Kippur. S/he is still trying to figure out how to screw over your business. They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. This is a time for real atonement. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Work with your fellow human being. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do Teshuva, like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Go for some resolution that makes a difference. 

Plastic seat area is can also be painful, even if you do have some movement ability. Everybody is vying for a spot. People are not very giving on Yom Kippur. Inching the seat back everytime the guy stands, makes the silent prayer extremely uncomfortable. Last year, as I moved towards the afternoon time, to the heretic section, I found myself in the middle of the 18 minute standing prayer, on my tiptoes. 

In order to make for a full atonement, I took the guys plastic chair and whacked him. I left a mark on his face, hopefully leading to some discomfort. I feel like we were all able to do Teshuva together. 

This year, make your makom kavuah in the plastic chair section. Make your seat mobile. If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. Say, 'I will never get hit by a siddur again. I will have room in Shule. I will suffer enough listening to the chazan. I will feel the pain and listen to the rabbi's speech, which goes on for 45 minutes, in the middle of a 12 hour service, which is not long enough, so that I can hear some words in a language I understand. That is enough suffering for my sins.'

And if the services take more than 12 hours. Take your seat back to your home and relax. Even the frum people will respect that. Because no Chazan should be allowed to sing in the frum world. Even on Yom Kippur.

Rosh Hashana- How to Prepare and do Simanim

ר"ה- acronymyze it. If you spell it out, Rosh Hashana, we all know you are not frum. For the sake of these writings and your lack of knowledge, I will spell it out.

One big thing to do before Rosh Hashana is Hatarat Nedarim (getting rid of vows, you commital apikores). We do this by having a good 30 people, each individually, with total kavanah, stand in front of three guys (the judges who have sinned themselves, just yesterday) who cannot hear them. It is important that the different kinds of vows that you are asking for forgiveness for, are not understood.

Very important. As you are reading with a whole congregation, silently, so the judges can hear you, be sure to do it fast. You do not want to be the slow guy, slowing down the judges response. Which is always, 'you are forgiven.' No need to get in H's way and start asking for details. If you are the slow guy, they will pick up that you are not really frum. Get down your mumble and skip a good paragraph in there. You only have about 15 seconds to read the 5 paragraphs audible and understandably. The mumble with the hi and low pitches at key moments is understood by H,' and any real frum Jew.

I made the mistake this year, and pronounced a word. It slowed up the whole group. I even had one frum Jew look at me, and rightfully say while fuming, 'Are you finished?' That statement was the major part of his judgement. I was wrongfully judged for being not frum. Yes, my vows were annulled, as I like to make resolutions. Such as last year, when after 50 hours in shule for the Hight Holidays, I made a resolution that I will not go back to shule this year. Of course, I called it a Neder (a vow, you apikores who makes resolutions on the New Year, OY!).

Make it a point to not be one of the three judges. They will figure you out right away. As your mumble might be off that day.

Preparation for Rosh Hashana is key. As it is the Day of Judgement, you want to be on good behavior the day before. If you have been enjoying yourself this past year, throw on a kippah and some sleeves. Make it look like that is how you acted the whole year. Maybe pay for a drink at a place you have been stealing from. H' seems to go for that stuff. We assume there is some over-site in the repentance process.

As with Yom Kippur, the most important aspect of the preparation for the High Holidays is going to the Mikveh (the spiritual bath, you soup using heretic). In any major city, you will be able to find your close friends there. As it is a communal holiday, it is important to get to know who you are praying next to.

This is just another aspect of making the holidays more uncomfortable. AS we have seen from the seating arrangements and planned 50 hours in shule over the next week, pain is part of the repentance process.

You are also not supposed to sleep during the day of Rosh Hashana, as that would lead to comfort and health. As we know, the most important aspect of Teshuva is pain and discomfort (Teshuva is repentance, you heretic who does not pray in a quorum and doesn't understand Jewish words in English which are harder to understand than Hebrew).

Simanim- (the signs used on the table of Rosh Hashana to show how our enemies should die, you peace praying apikores, for a year of goodness in the world). We use food to mean something, that they are not connected to at all. I am personally against this tradition, as it encourages the Ashekenazic Jewish inclination to pun. And it is very annoying, and must be stopped. But I will not judge.

For those who do it, this is your chance to be creative with food. The only reason why this expression of creativity and fun is permitted, is because you get to curse people. That makes it fine. But I cannot deal with the acceptance it allows for puns. This year, my friend is doing Chumus, for Hamas. Eating Hamas or something. Hamas ground like chickpeas. 

We are not a violent religion, but you get us going on simanim and violence is on. 'May it be your will, like the selek, that you kill our enemies.' We use random fruits for violence. Something that even vegetarians are offended by. We might not be violent, but we get Gd working for us on that. 'May it be His will...You should choke on pits like a pomegranate.' Our tradition for centuries. Why we are a weak people and use lawyers to fight our battles. 'He shall send you to jail, like a carrot in a cage.'

Cursing our enemies or people that make it hard for us to pay our bills is permissible.

The least violent Siman is that we should be as a head and not a tail. For that one non-violent one, we cut off a fish head and place it on the table.

As can be seen, this tradition falls under the frum lexicon, as all parts of it are offensive to vegetarians.

Tashlich (where you throw away your sins, like Yitzchak who went to the alter, you apikores who still has no idea what it means based on my explanation)

You might see children throwing in bread. Don't be there heretic that throws it in too.

That was permissible 30 years ago. Now it is not. They put their kids there to throw in the bread, to weed out the apikroes who is entrapping animals. Entrapment is only allowed on Rosh Hashana if there is a fruit. 'You should be entrapped like an eggplant who was never really an egg.'

Tisha BAv, the Three Weeks & Fast Days

This is the day to be sad, along with every other day on the Jewish calendar. The Beit Hamikdash (Great Temple- you heathen who still uses the word temple) was destroyed, and as such, smiling is not something you should ever do. You should be the one giving a nasty look to the Am HaAtertz who smiles.
Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron= Asur. Those are the only two days you do not mourn as a frum Jew, because the not frum Jews mourn on that day. All sad stuff happened on Tisha BAv, so we put them all into one day- and then mourn the rest of the year, except for Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron (days of remembrance you heretic who does whatever the Israeli government says- Oy!).
There are the 3 weeks leading up to Tisha BAv and the Omer count (days of heightened sense of mourning), where you are not supposed to shave or date due to lack of self hygiene. This should not be a big deal, as you already have a beard. We do enough mourning.
Modern frum do Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron. It isn’t wrong to remember people who passed away or were killed for living a virtuous life. However, do not let other people know you care; do not practice the days of remembrance BFarhesia (in public- you Chanuka lighting lover of Zion who says Hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut).
Service of H' (Gd- you apikores who doesn't know how to spell) should not involve emotion. The only time tears are allowed is when you are saying Slichot, the hymns said around the time of Rosh Hashana, as you sit there for an hour saying words you do not understand. And that is pain.
The goal is to stay away from any happiness. There are different ways to show this. The most important aspect of not happiness is to show anger. You can do the table smack to show that it is Rosh Chodesh (The beginning of the month), so that people know you are not happy to add an extra paragraph to the Amidah (silent prayer we say standing up- you apikores who doesn't even know when to bow). You can eat herring all the time; that will make you angry, if you do not have crackers (herring is fish you apikores who doesn't know Yiddish). You can even spend the day watching your children.
If you can sport a blank depressed look, that is the best. If you are very spaced out, that also looks like you are connecting with H.'
Sefardim have a tradition to only mourn the week of Tisha BAv. Even so, as Ashkenazim, it is our tradition to mourn as much as we can. If you can mourn from Pesach till this time, that is even better. The more you mourn, the better off you are. Even if you are a Sefardi, you want to mourn more than the three days. You eat meat on any other day than Shabbis, during this time, you can fall into heretic status.

The heightened mourning at this time of year begins with three weeks before Tisha BAv. Thus it is known as the Three Weeks. Because it is three weeks. The main idea of the Three Weeks. is to bring a heightened sense of uncomfortable. Let your beard grow. That is quite uncomfortable in August, in 100 degree Fahrenheit weather.
There are many ways to add discomfort. You can stick the fringes of your four cornered garment in your ear (Four cornered garment is Tzitzis- you poncho wearing apikores who doesn't even know that the four cornered garment needs tzitzis, and it is six times faster to say 'Tzitzis'). You can also have a conversation with anybody who passionately cares about something. You can listen to a Chozer BTshuva talk about how much they like Torah, and their passionate story about how they became religious. This kind of pain can lead to the rebuilding of the Temple.

The 9 Days are the 9 days before Tisha BAv from the beginning of the month (Rosh Chodesh- you apikores who only cares about Rosh Hashana), which we then take mourning to the next level. During this time, many people don't swim. But as a frum Jew, you should not be swimming anyways. The bungalow you are joining has a pool so that people can sit on chaise lounge chairs. Chaise lounge chairs must be made of plastic.
Remember: No eating meat for the 9 Days. You can eat fish, as fish never brought anybody happiness.
You could be Sefardi and only mourn for the week of Tisha BAv (that is if you do not care for being shunned as a Jew). And that is why no Sefardi who keeps Sefardic tradition is considered frum. The tradition of the Three Weeks has no basis in the Rambam and it seems to be a solely Ashkenazik tradition. That being the case, it is important to be as stringent as possible. If you want to fit in as a Sefardic Jew and want to be frum, you should become Ashkenazi. Thinking happiness and knowledge of your own tradition will earn you respect is a pipe-dream. So make a better life for yourself and keep the Three Weeks and 9 Days.
There are ways around eating meat, according to the Sefer HaToda'ah (Book of Our Heritage- you apikoreset who got an English book for your Bat Mitzvah)- A bris is one. Any Seudat Mitzvah (meal for a mitzvah- you heathen who thinks that it is a mitzvah to eat a meal, and doesn't understand that only a seuda is a mitzvah- Oy!). This includes a Pidyon HaBen, Bar Mitzvah and a Siyum (finishing a Tractate of Gemara or the Mishnah- where you can say you accomplished something of Torah- you Am HaAretz who has never redeemed a child, because you don't understand the English word Tractate and think that volumes is a better way to explain an easy Hebrew word).
Now how do you plan your Siyum? Show up to a Yeshiva for a few minutes where people learn and piggyback on that man's success. You can also find any kosher restaurant in the New York area. Making money off of food is frum. Thus, you can show up to any restaurant and they will have a guy saying how meaningful it was to finish the Tractate, so that his family would not have to go a week without meat. If need be, you can always learn Mesechet Makot (the Tractate of Lashes, you conformist chain carrying heathen who recently got a bolt put in your nose).
You are asking- How is it mourning if you are eating meat? Go and listen to the person celebrating the Siyum talk for a few minutes and you will feel the suffering of our people. The greatest suffering since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash; the right given to the people who are not part of the Anshei Knesset HaGdola to give Torah speeches, as if they know what they are talking about.
Another way to eat meat is if there is an important rabbi coming through your town who wants to eat meat. In the presence of an important rabbi, you can do whatever you would like. You can break any mitzvot during the Three Weeks, or Shabbat for that matter. As long as the rabbi is within view and staying at your house, you can break whatever laws you want and just point to the rabbi. The presence of a rabbi in your house gives you the necessary status to change your religion for a few days. It is almost as good as being a descendant of the Gaon of Vilna (Gr"a, you apikores who speaks in non-acronym form). You can use that presence in your home for a good 20 years. Anytime somebody gives you a weird look, just say, 'Rav Shlit"a was in my house.' As you say shlit"a and don't understand what it means, you will have already suppressed any question of why you cannot pronounce a 'chet.'

On Tisha BAv, you have to take the discomfort to the next level. Now you have to sit on the ground. The discomfort of the shule's fold-up chairs has to be taken to the next level. Some people like to show off with their knowledge of 3 Tefachim (three hand-breadths, you heathen who measures in feet and inches- who doesn't even know what centimeters are). If you want to really show off, make sure you know your hand-breadths and flip over a bench. This show of knowledge will make you look frum and yet comfortable, in an extremely uncomfortable way. This is more uncomfortable than sitting on the floor. So you are good.
If you want to cheat the comfort system, make sure you find the man with the biggest hands in shule and sit on his bench. The largest hand-breadth (which is 4 fingers), is still less than 4 inches. So stay away from any freaks who have been working in construction for too long. By definition of the way they make a living, they are not religious anyways.

No showering or bathing of any sorts is allowed on Tisha BAv. You want to smell bad. Smelling decent can render you an Apikores. If need be, rub some cumin on yourself.
There is no taking this too far. Smelling bad is a religious ritual, and it also helps everybody else around you connect with the destruction.
You can clean your fingers, up to the knuckles, as that is the part of your body you use for wiping yourself. But that is private and halachik, and as such has nothing to do with being frum, unless you are in a public bathroom. For that matter, you will smell worse if you do not wash your fingers in a public bathroom, thus making you more frum. We would also discuss how it is forbidden to have 'marital relations' here, but anything done in private has nothing to do with frum. That is unless you have your kids' friends staying over; in which case, make a big deal about how your children make brachot- forcing them to say it out loud.

No learning Torah on Tisha BAv, because that brings happiness to people who love H.' You can probably get away with learning Torah, as you are probably learning it in English, and since you became religious it has only caused for a rift with your parents.

No greeting people on Tisha BAv. As the second Beit Hamikdash was destroyed, due to baseless hatred, we try to make close friends feel as uncomfortable as possible. This way they will ask themselves why you did not greet them and the hatred will not be baseless.
If somebody greets you however, you may return the greeting, as they are sinners and they have no idea what it means to connect with the destruction of the Temple.

You also cannot wear leather shoes on Tisha BAv. This is the perfect time to sport your new frum clothes you purchased. The plastic black shoes which make it look like you are always wearing a tux, is perfect.
Picking out the stylish clothes for the day? Think Yom Kippur. B"H (Thank Gd- you heretic who answers people when they ask you how you are doing) for the Converse All-Stars. Those shoes definitely made a whole generation of Jews fit in at camp.
Shopping is forbidden the whole Three Weeks. So, if you did purchase any clothes during this time, make sure you did that shopping with a baseball hat. The baseball hat is a way for you to have anonymity in the frum community and beyond. People cannot tell you are Jewish with a baseball hat says 'SWAG,' with a straight visor. With that kind of hat and a beard, they will mistake you for a biker. To note: food shopping is acceptable. You can see this based on the amount of time any frum family spends in Shop Rite. This kind of shopping should be considered asur, as it is entertainment for a good frum family. You can see this in Israel when you see the smiles of simcha (happinnes- you smiling heretic) when a frum family finds a new kishka on the market.

Every bad event happened on Tisha BAv: The Batei Mikdash were destroyed, it was decreed the generation in the dessert would not enter Israel, my basketball went into to the camp lake and many other tragic events on the Jewish calendar.

Fasting- This is the hardest part of the only other day, which rivals Yom Kippur in its length of fast. I suggest walking around with an IV. The IV will give you status, as the community will think you are very sick, but so connected that you are still keeping the fast. IV's come in many different forms. With an IV, you are even allowed to have meat running through the blood.
The only positive is that on this day, you can get out of being in shule (which adds an extra eight hours to the fast). You do have the option of sitting in shule, to add to the felt pain.
There are other fast days, like the 17th of Tamuz (at the beginning of the Three Weeks), but that is only from dawn to night. You can sleep through that fast. The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community's sins and your own. It is better to sleep through that. The community has bothered you enough.

If you pull off the mourning and blank look of depression right, you are in. Frum as a choolante cooking till Saturday night.

***These are excerpts from the Frum Guide. For more education with Rabbi David come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem- every Thursday night.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Tzom Kal vMatzleeach LKoolam